Ahhhh back after my trip to. It’s so good to be home. The house is warm and inviting even though its getting pretty cold outside. So cold that  when Max went out to kiss Sam’s big rock,  his lips froze to it.. It was -14 when I got in bed a few minutes ago.
I had a good drive back from Connecticut with my friends Mark. Dave and Geordie.  We talked about all sorts of stuff on the drive.. Luckily we exhausted most of our work talk on the drive down, so the ride back was mostly about kids, family and music. We ended up listening to Jimi Hendrix Band of Gypsises for the last part of the trip… not sure why, but ‘Hear my Train A coming’ brought tears to my eyes.  Sam really liked Hendrix…
As soon as I got home, Diane, Gabe and I went up to Deb and Barry’s for dinner. As always their house was full of kids.. full of life. We  grown-ups had a great time talking over one of Deb’s wonderful meals. We  started talking about that first night we came back to Vermont after Sam died. As soon as we got off the plane that night, we dropped our bags at our house and went up to Deb and Barry’s. I’ll never forget walking into that house and seeing 30 or so of Sam’s friends gathered there… I was sitting in the same seat tonigh at their table  where I first watched the musical slide show that Brittany and Sumner had made of Sam’s pictures.. (the one that’s linked at the top of this blog). I can still remember the overwleming love and saddnesss I felt sitting there surrounded by a crowd of Sam’s crying friends. Looking at those pictures and hearing that music. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life and cemented me forever to everyone in that room….  I can’t believe that was already two months ago..  
    As we talked, our friend Wendy brought up a quote she’d sent me last night from an Eve Ensler book she’s reading. The quote is  from Cindy Sheehan. The women who protested outside President Bush’s Texas ranch after her son Casey was killed in the Iraq war.   Cindy was quoted as saying :

 “Everything for me now is out of love, not duty. Since Casey’s death moved me to action, I know I am on the right path. I hardly ever get sick. I have energy. Just need a few hours of sleep. I have never been more alive. My son brought me here. We all know Casey was going to be a great man; we just thought he would be alive when it happened. I had no idea what a great man he would be. All this is happening now because of Casey. Casey and I gave birth to each other. His death forced me, freed me, to be the best human I can be, to be a true mother. If hundreds of women got free like this, there would be no war.”

I understand this sentiment so deeply.  .  Sam’s death has pushed me over an edge into  a different world. Even though I’m incredibly sad.. I feel galvanized and energized. The line  “Everything for me now is out of love, not duty  rings so true to me. I feel a great need to find the best way to pass on my love for Sam.. and his great spirit.. For Cindy Sheehan, the path is resisting this unjust war… what is my path  to be ? I realize that it may take awhile  for the answer to come. Diane has told me to put my intention out there and the idea will come to me.. this is helping me build patience.  . I’m beginning to think my work with kids and science might be the right way to channel my energy…   but I’m not sure this is ‘it’ yet. I’ll start doing science shows again beginning next month… and I’ll see how that feels.   I know it may sound funny.. but as sad as this journey is and as much as I wish I never had to take it… . I’m finding the journey  exciting..

   While I may not yet have found my true purpose, I do I know that at least part of my path is going to be working with kids. I’ll be doing a little of that tomorrow when Sam’s friends Hannah and Avery come over to learn to weld. I’ve already warned them that I’m not a very good welder,  I’ll let you know how that goes  tomorrow.. Sam… bring your goggles

-jc

Ps. my freind Kevin M. sent me this very interesting article from the LA times about how others are using MySpace for grieving.. Check it out here.