Ahhhh back after my trip to. It’s so good to be home. The house is warm and inviting even though its getting pretty cold outside. So cold that  when Max went out to kiss Sam’s big rock,  his lips froze to it.. It was -14 when I got in bed a few minutes ago.
I had a good drive back from Connecticut with my friends Mark. Dave and Geordie.  We talked about all sorts of stuff on the drive.. Luckily we exhausted most of our work talk on the drive down, so the ride back was mostly about kids, family and music. We ended up listening to Jimi Hendrix Band of Gypsises for the last part of the trip… not sure why, but ‘Hear my Train A coming’ brought tears to my eyes.  Sam really liked Hendrix…
As soon as I got home, Diane, Gabe and I went up to Deb and Barry’s for dinner. As always their house was full of kids.. full of life. We  grown-ups had a great time talking over one of Deb’s wonderful meals. We  started talking about that first night we came back to Vermont after Sam died. As soon as we got off the plane that night, we dropped our bags at our house and went up to Deb and Barry’s. I’ll never forget walking into that house and seeing 30 or so of Sam’s friends gathered there… I was sitting in the same seat tonigh at their table  where I first watched the musical slide show that Brittany and Sumner had made of Sam’s pictures.. (the one that’s linked at the top of this blog). I can still remember the overwleming love and saddnesss I felt sitting there surrounded by a crowd of Sam’s crying friends. Looking at those pictures and hearing that music. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life and cemented me forever to everyone in that room….  I can’t believe that was already two months ago..  
    As we talked, our friend Wendy brought up a quote she’d sent me last night from an Eve Ensler book she’s reading. The quote is  from Cindy Sheehan. The women who protested outside President Bush’s Texas ranch after her son Casey was killed in the Iraq war.   Cindy was quoted as saying :

 “Everything for me now is out of love, not duty. Since Casey’s death moved me to action, I know I am on the right path. I hardly ever get sick. I have energy. Just need a few hours of sleep. I have never been more alive. My son brought me here. We all know Casey was going to be a great man; we just thought he would be alive when it happened. I had no idea what a great man he would be. All this is happening now because of Casey. Casey and I gave birth to each other. His death forced me, freed me, to be the best human I can be, to be a true mother. If hundreds of women got free like this, there would be no war.”

I understand this sentiment so deeply.  .  Sam’s death has pushed me over an edge into  a different world. Even though I’m incredibly sad.. I feel galvanized and energized. The line  “Everything for me now is out of love, not duty  rings so true to me. I feel a great need to find the best way to pass on my love for Sam.. and his great spirit.. For Cindy Sheehan, the path is resisting this unjust war… what is my path  to be ? I realize that it may take awhile  for the answer to come. Diane has told me to put my intention out there and the idea will come to me.. this is helping me build patience.  . I’m beginning to think my work with kids and science might be the right way to channel my energy…   but I’m not sure this is ‘it’ yet. I’ll start doing science shows again beginning next month… and I’ll see how that feels.   I know it may sound funny.. but as sad as this journey is and as much as I wish I never had to take it… . I’m finding the journey  exciting..

   While I may not yet have found my true purpose, I do I know that at least part of my path is going to be working with kids. I’ll be doing a little of that tomorrow when Sam’s friends Hannah and Avery come over to learn to weld. I’ve already warned them that I’m not a very good welder,  I’ll let you know how that goes  tomorrow.. Sam… bring your goggles

-jc

Ps. my freind Kevin M. sent me this very interesting article from the LA times about how others are using MySpace for grieving.. Check it out here.

 

 

 

Sigh… I just wrote a longish post, then lost it all when my browser failed. I’ll try to re-type it from memory. This is a pretty Zen exercise…

I Just got back from to the hotel from my all day meeting. On the bus back, I was telling my friend Wolfgang that I felt funny several times today because I found myself feeling ‘normal’. sometimes .  It wasn’t that Sam was not on my mind. I was thinking about him all day. It was just that I found myself getting really into some good technical discussions, and it felt pretty good to be enjoying my work again.
   On the people front, the day was amazing. I must have been hugged by about 50 friends. Our sadness of losing of Sam hits such a universal chord in people that it cuts right through the normal business protocol of quick handshakes. On top of that, I didn’t feel like running around trying to say ‘hi’ to everyone as I would normally do. The combination allowed me to have good, long conversations with several friends about Sam, their families, life priorities, etc. Even though I normally find these meetings exhausting,  I found today strangely relaxing…
   I had an interesting intersection between work and life this afternoon. There was a talk and panel this afternoon which touched on on-line collaborative communities such as MySpace and SecondLife. After the session., I talked to two of the panelists, my friends and mentors Katherine and Irving., about our experience with MySpace. I told them how Sam’s MySpace had turned out to be such a wonderful way for Sam’s friends to come together to mourn, and heal… I also told them about how much my MySpace blogging had meant to me during this hard time. I think it would be fun to help companies like mine create something like MySpace to use too help build their own internal communities.  I was just starting to play around with SecondLife just before Sam died. In Second life I look like this:

     Wow… I just spoke with Diane and she told me that our very close friend Mason was in a car accident today on the Richmond-Huntngton road. Thanks g-d Mason was not hurt, but his car was totatled when it slipped on a patch of ice, spun out and hit a tree. Mason told Diane that he had a vision of Sam as the car hit the tree and the airbags came out. I was so freaked out when I heard about  the  accident that I was shaking. Mason and his family are so close to us.. I am so glad that you’re OK Mason.. we love you !  Thanks for protecting him Sam !

-jc

ps. Diane also told me that while she was up at Jen’s painting SamStones today a part of my blog from yesterday came up. I had said: 

I’ve had several people ask my why we’re choosing to be so public about our grieving.. I really don’t have an answer.. we’re just doing what feels right to us. Our friend Jean suggested that people grieve the way they live.. .. and I guess we’re public people…

I guess the part about us being ‘public people’ didn’t come out right. I didn’t mean that the  outpouring of love from our community was because we were public people.. That was because Sam was who he was…   All the folks who are wearing  Sam’s picture or  helping us make SamStones.. or writing his name in the snow are publicly showing the world how much they care about Sam and miss him.. . And I’m missing him very much right now.. Here’s a picture of him as ‘Wonderboy’ at Camp Abnaki last Summer. I love you so much my son..

I’m really being bad here. I’m typing on my handheld while sitting in the back of a very big room at a meeting with about 500 other IBM folks. I need to write now because I may not have connectivity later. Sitting here really drives home what a big, big company IBM really is. It also reminds me how many smart (and nice) folks we have here. As I said last night this is the first really public thing I’ve tried to do on my own since Sam died. So far its goin ‘ok’. What rally strikes me is that everyone is shaking hands with each other… But everyone is hugging me. I am amazed at the number of folks who know about Sam and have made a point so far on this first morning to seek me out to tell me how sorry they are. This is corporate love.. I feel well cared for.
Last night was a little rough. It was the second time I’ve been alone in a hotel room since Sam’s death. The first time was when took max down to meet with his Profs at Pratt. I woke up every two hours with wild dreams. One of my dreams was about losing Sams data..like pictures and movies. I was frantic to get and back everything up while something was loosing the days. A predictable theme..but pretty upsetting. I talked with Diane this morning. She suggested I get a one of my IBM friends to camp out with me tonight. Any takers ? 🙂
Gotta run. Now. More later sam

This is pretty funny. I just started writing tonight’s posting on my Blackberry. Wouldn’t you know the server is down tonight due to a problem. I’m now at home retyping what I wrote verbatim by looking at the devices tiny screen,.. The irony is pretty good:

Written on my blackberry:

I’m at Gabe’s      
basketball practice,
so I’m going to try
to do this blog     
entry from the tiny
screen of my       
Blackberry.. or     
Crackberry as my 
friends sometimes
call it. This device 
is the symbol of   
the frenetic life I  
was living before  
Nov 21^st. When I 
think back I was  
such a slave to    
this tiny tyrant.  I
was reachable     
24/7 by phone,    
email or instant   
message. My      
calendar would    
beep me for       
meetings that     
could  start as    
early a 7AM or as
late as 10PM. I   
would even find   
myself on          
work calls on      
weekends.When I
wasn’t working, the
demon’s task list  
reminded me of all
the things hanging
over my head:”the
“should have’s”, the
“got to’s”and the “oh
s**t’s”.              
Staring at this      
thing now I can’t   
imagine how I let  
something this tiny
and fragile bully    
me into exhaustion
for so long. Even   
though I’m back at 
work full time, I’m 
finding that I can   
ignore the demon’s 
buzzes and beeps.  
My phone goes       
unanswered more   
often. My calendar  
isn’t overbooked.    
Most of the credit   
for that goes to      
my dear friend and  
protector Jleigh       
who is acting as     
gatekeeper and       
therapist … “         

At that point my battery failed

 I got to watch Gabe’s  basketball practice.. (He was pretty hot tonight.)  I then came home to find out that the server was down for the night, so the stuff I typed wouldn’t be getting to my computer..  In my past life, a Blackberry faiure like this would have me breaking out in  cold sweat of information withdrawal.. Tonight it was exactly what I needed… I think I’m getting the message from Sam to kick back and smell the roses.. or the gym socks as  was the case tonight.   Thanks Sam

-jc

ps. I just got pinged with a work question (from a good friend and blog reader J )  as I’m writing this at 10:30 and I asked if we could talk  about it tomorrow.. Aren’t I a slacker now ?