We had a pretty peaceful day today. We woke to beautiful snow coming down. I remember how Sam would jump out of bed whenever he saw snow.. The memory made me smile. . I know it sounds strange but I’m starting to feel like Sam is sending me creative energy.    I goofed around the house most of the morning trying to hack a cheap linksys network attached storage device to run linux (no luck yet), figured out how to get an internet attached web browser to come up on my car’s navigation computer screen  and  went for a run with Chai. Later in the day Max and I went to see our friends Homer and his daughter Raye. The four of us talked about collaborating on an interactive sculpture piece just for fun. It feels good to be working with my hands and brain again..  Sam would like that …it seemed like he was always making things.
    I am always thinking of Sam as I work. I spend a good deal of time running over conversations he and I had in last several months of his life. Sam was a very wise and self contained being. The more I think about the more I’m coming to understand just how unique and strong his spirit was/is.   I spend a lot of time wondering what became of Sam’s strong spirit when he died. I so much want to believe that our spirits survive in some way. It’s hard to describe. but the more things I experience around Sam’s death,  the more convinced I’m becoming that they do. 
   Our friend Coco just passed on a message to us from her friend ‘G’ . G feels she is  able to read people’s spirits ever since being hit  by lightening a few years  back.  Though she never met Sam and has no other connection to us G said that she senses Sam’s spirit very strongly and  felt compelled to write us.. She sent us the following note via Coco:

He is a person of beautiful light.  His soul went right away with amazing brilliance to the place it was to be. His easy and smooth acceptance of this is a rarity and is much valued at this time for all of us. You can feel him in many things and see him all around. He is a light giver and helps clear paths for others who need him. What a beautiful loving person he is He is wonderful. Send him your love and all your feelings He is there for all of you too and sends blessings and protection and light to all of you always.

I like this message..  I know that it may sound pretty ‘out there’ to some of you, but it resonates with what I feel happened to Sam’s spirit.  I know I’ll never know for sure… but every day  I’m getting  more comfortable with my new  metaphysics, after all.. what  choice do I have ?
     Well not much else to report tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will really bring the snow storm we’ve been waiting for Sam.. please see what you can do there…
-jc
 
ps. We’ve heard that a few of Sam’s friends are still having real trouble coping with his death.  If you know someone who may need some extra help moving forward, please give them some extra  love and support . If you know someone who may need more help than that… please contact us, a parent, a school councilor or other adult. We all need to take care of each other. I know it’s hard moving forward.. but we all are going to get through this. Sam would want us to.. We love you all.

I just looked up and realized that I was only a few minutes away from missing a day of blogging…. something I have not done since the day after Sam died. This is a habit I do not want to break.. I realize that I’ve picked up several new habits since Sam died. Like everyone in my family, I where a button with Sam’s picture on it all the time…. except when I’m in the shower or in bed.   Every time I think of Sam I make it a habit to touch the button .. I find myself doing it all the time and it gives me great comfort. I also talk to Sam every time I look in the mirror and see his face on the button… or anytime I see a picture of him.  Anther nice habit. I also find myself talking to him whenever I’m in the shower or driving a car as well as at my  first moment of consciousness when I wake up. I talk to him when I run every day.. and make a point of standing for  few minutes at the midpoint of my run to look up and talk to him.  As I write this, I realize that I’m building a set of habits to replace the many repetitive (compulsive)  habits (e.g. filling a glass 3 times before drinking, knocking on my headboard before falling asleep, etc) I always had before to bring me good luck… .I think this is a good trade because I can’t really say the ‘good luck’ stuff worked. …
   On that topic.. I was just talking to a friend who told me about a guy he knows who completely ‘unraveled’ after the loss of his child  . I’ve been thinking of that all day.. am I unraveling ? Am I going to ? Parts of me have certainly unwound some since Sam died. but I don’t think I’m getting worse. Will I in the months to come.?  Right now I feel like  I’m getting a little more balanced  most every day .. though I also have days when I feel I’m going backwards. When Diane, Gabe and I were out in the world today (University Mall, Talent).. I was noticing how much  more ‘clear’ I felt thank the last time I was at all these places right before Christmas. For example.. we went to Talent today to buy Gabe some clothes and see Hannah, Dave and Adah.. this time it felt like going home. Those guys are so wonderful Last time I was there was for Sam’s Skate benefit in mid December. That was really a wonderful event .. yet it all seems like a dream in my memory.  The days before that.. like the week of the memorial service..  are even more surreal and blurred in my mind.   The strange thing is that I remember at the time feeling pretty ‘together’. What will it be like looking back at ‘now’ months or years in the future ?  Will I remember this a the time we started to move forward and heal… or will I still remember this time as being confused and unreal ? Will I remember this as a point when the worst was behind us or still ahead of us ?.. More importantly.. do we have any control of that ? I want to believe that the answer is yes. and I’m going to count on that for now.. I’ll need all of your help if I’m going to make that so for me and my family.. Sam.. we need your help too. We love you !
-jc..   
ps. I’m finding that music is a great healing path for me. In the car today we were listening to ‘if I ever leave this world alive’ by Flogging Molly. Max sung it at Sam’s memorial.. great words.. Check it out

 Flogging Molly – If I Ever Leave This World Alive Lyrics
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you’ll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don’t shed a tear
I’ll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be all right

pss. I just reposted this after running a spell checker…  is that cheating ?

Friends…
   Ivy just sent me this great picture of Sam holding Ivy’s dog Stella… They’re both so cute… Thanks Ivy !
-jc

The trip to Tucson turned out to be a very good way to ease back into work. Both days I was surrounded by caring and supportive people.  During the days I was looked after by my 20 or so colleagues from the IBM  Academy Technology Council. I’ve traveled all over the globe with these folks for the past 2 years.. I consider many of them close friends.  By night , my dear friends Chris and Wendy took great  care of me. 

Yesterday’s meeting was pretty uneventful. At one point in the day my fiend Steve and I skipped out of the meeting for an hour Steve’s wife, Helen, died in October after a short battle with cancer. The two of us went outside for a long walk while talking about Sam and Helen, life after loss, how friends and relatives have reacted, strange things people do and say, etc.. We walked out into the desert again and I showed him where I’d written Sam’s name with rocks.. It was good talking to him…  When we got back, I found that my friend Ken had left me an envelope with pictures of his sister Sandy who died when she was in her 20’s  along with a poem that their father  had written about losing a child. It was very sweet and sad..  The meeting broke up around 6:30 and I headed back to Chris and Wendy’s . I felt buoyed up by the day. I’d been busy, modestly effective at work and surrounded by caring friends. On the way there I called home because I was missing my family. I could tell that the mood in the house was pretty low…Nothing special was up.. Things sometimes get quiet and a little sad in the evening. It was hard being so far away and knowing that there wasn’t anything I could do to help anyone feel any better. It’s not always easy buoying each other up when we’re all in the same place.. but it’s impossible over the phone.  It made me sad again and  made me realize that I’m just not ready to start traveling frequently. By the time  I got to Chris and Wendy’s I was feeling pretty blue. Chris’s daughter Toni was there.. and the four of us when to a great Gutemalan/Mayan restaurant for an early dinner then came back to the house to talk. We started listening to the music and slideshows from Sam’s Memorial service. The  two days of bottling up my emotions had taken its toll Before I knew it, my knees buckled and I was sobbing with my head on the table. I must have been like that for 20 minutes…. I know it’s hard ot believe.. but it felt great to get it out. When I was done I felt close to Sam and at peace and ready to travel. Around 10:30 PM I said goodbye to Chris and Wendy and headed to the airport. 

  The hardest part of this trip was traveling alone there and back. They may ask to weigh and x-ray your luggage.. but they never ask to weigh your heart or look inside it.    I’ve been trying to think of a way to describe how it feel carrying Sam and Sam’s loss around with me. It’s. It’s a very physical sensation. All of my feeling around Sam is centered just about 6 inches in front of my heart. Not in my chest, but in fron t of it. The closest thing I remember to the same sensation is when I would carry each of my sons in one of those baby packs you where on your chest. It’s biiter sweet reminder of carrying Sam as a little baby.  Like carrying a real baby, it’s exhausting work after awhile. I can’t put him down… I don’t want to.

   Remarkably, I slept well on the overnight flight. Max and his visiting friends picked me up at the airport around 11AM and brought me home. It was so good stepping back into the house and seeing Diane and the kids. This still feels like our home.. and this still is very much like our family. I love them all so much..  I better go find them before they all go to bed. Good night Sam !

-js

ps. While I was listening to the songs form the memorial I looked up the lyrics to Keepsake from State Radio . It sthe song that Jane and Avery sang so beautifully at Sam’s memorial.. The words reminded me of coming home. (did I already post this ? )

Keepsake by State Radio – sung by Jane Kier and Avery Lavoie

 One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain

One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again

 I‘m gonna put my family back together again

 One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job

One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop

 One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep

 (Humming)

 One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones

 One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold

 One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove

 One gonna help me keep em‘ another gonna help me tame

 One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)

 You‘re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

 (humming)

 I‘m gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe

 I‘m gonna buckle my knees and I‘m gonna lock em‘ up tight

 I‘m gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page

 One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door

 One gonna leave me restless another wanting more

 You‘re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

 (Humming)