I’m so glad to be homeward bound again. I can’t wait to see Diane, Max and Gabe. I had a really good trip. It was wonderful seeing my sister and her beautiful family.. and I really enjoyed the brainstorming at the meeting I attended. I must confess that being surrounded by a bunch of geeks like me is one of my favorite sports. Even so, it just still doesn’t feel right being away from home yet. I can’t sleep, It’s lonely and I miss my family so much… I always missed them when I traveled but now it feels like I’m missing some part of me.. and I guess I am. Though in some way Sam’s presence feels like company in the way I talk to him, think of him and sense him. I’m stating to get lots of invites to travel again..(One of the benefits of looking like a mad scientist is that I get lots of people willing to fly me around and look absentminded. I know that I need to be very careful about the amount of travel I agree to or it will get me all discombobulated again.

    On the way home I had a chance to catch back up on a few day job discussions with folks I’ve been working with closely. I find that however muddled my mind is about the technical issues.. and my mid is still really muddled… I always have time and energy for people discussions. Since Sam died I’m finding that everyone is more open about talking about their lives with me and I love it. I was talking with my friend Pete on a work subject and he asked me about how we are all doing.  Earlier I had trouble with that question… now,  I like it. Folks sincerely want us to be ‘Ok’.. It’s sort of cute.. I get comment whenever I smile.. as in ‘you’re looking good’ .. or ‘so you’re feeling better ?’. I think it’s really hard for people to internalize that this is going to take us forever.

    Pete also asked me whether I was worried about next week being hard for us without Sam. I had to think about that for awhile. My answer was that it probably would be hard.. after all, every day is hard now. Even so, I find that I’m not worrying about the future really at all. That’s a huge change for me.. I used to spend a ton of energy worrying. At this point, I can’t project how any of us are going to feel or react at some point in the future.  If Sam’s passing has taught me anything it’s not to worry too much about any particular version of the future.. it will be here soon enough.. and it likely won’t look like you expect.  

      One thing I do hope to do next week is take it easy. I may take a few days off and hang with Gabe and Diane. I think Max is going to Pratt to do some coursework and see some friends. I hope to still get some time with him. There’s a Keller Williams show at higher ground next week which we can catch together.

     I just ran into one of Max and Sam’s old teachers on the plane he commented on how much support he saw in the community for us and for Sam. It really is amazing to us.. Sam passed over three moths ago and he’s still getting tons of  MySpace email, folks are still wearing his picture and coming by the house. ..doing stuff in his memory. Every time I see or hear of something like that it makes me smile.. I didn’t think I’d be smiling at this point..  Thank you everyone for keeping Sam’s spirit close….. and thank you Sam for keeping close to us.

 -jc

ps. Diane picked me up from the airport and we went to watch Gabe and his friends practice their flips at Green Mountian Gymnatsics. Here’s a picture of Gabe midway thorough an underflip. He’s really good !!!!!

.. and here I am doing my first front flip.

Ps. I think I’m going to be on TV this Sunday talking about why lids might be interested in video game processor technology . I did the inteview about a week before Sam’s accident . I think it’s going to run at 7:30 am on Channels 5 and 31 in Burlington.Or look at  www.teenkidsnews.tv  for your local times.

 

   

I’m still in Minneapolis at my sister Mary’s  house.  Tonight I was able to get some time to hang out with Mary, Her husband John and my beautiful Niece Ellery.    Ellery is 21 months old and is really starting to talk. She calls me uncle ‘HoHo’.. which I couldn’t figure out.. until Mary told me that’s what she call Santa .. OK.. I guess I  see the resemblance.  Mary is 8 months pregnant and looks radiant.  Here’s a picture of Ellery, the family and Mary’s very pregnant belly,

It’s good to be in this house again.  I remembered this evening that I was planning on being here right before Thanksgiving. I had been planning on surprising my parents who were here visiting my sister. They were here when we learned of Sam’s accident. Looking back, I’m glad they were all together when they heard. I called my folks tonight from here. My Mm had just sent me this picture of Sam from last summer..

I’m out here working with a client that’s in the healthcare business. I’m finding that this stuff is much more interesting to me since Sam’s accident.  It’s so cool to think that something I could be working on could be helping save lives in the not so distant future.   It’s really nice to be able to think about a completely new problem once in a while.    

     Speaking of which, I had a really good talk this evening with my friend G from IBM Canada. G’s wife passed away last May . G and I have somewhat similar personalities and similar situations at work, so I called him to compare notes on his path through healing. G told me that immediately after his wife passed away that he threw himself into his work in an effort to stay busy..  He told me that he worked himself too hard and wore himself out. In the end, he found that he couldn’t really get his head back into his job.  I’ve heard this same pattern from other folks who have gone through a traumatic loss.  I learned last week that G.  had been given the opportunity to take a sabbatical in another part of our company. It’s early, but so far he says he’s really enjoying the change of focus. It’s comforting for me to know that that kind of opportunity exists in our company if I were to need it.
     Well… tomorrow I head back to Vermont. I miss my family, I miss my house.   Diane told me that she walked into the house yesterday after coming n from a walk and the house was full of little moving rainbows..   This little solar powered electric sun catcher we have which has never ever worked spontaneously started spinning for her. Thanks for taking care of her Sam.   I love you

-jc

 ps .I got the following in the mail today from a work colleague. http://www.scottmcleod.org/didyouknow.wmv   It is pretty thought provoking. . One cool statistic in there  is that if it were a country, MySpace’s 106 million registered users would make it the world’s 11^th largest country  (between Japan and Mexico)  and.. as they say in German.. Wenn meine Großmutter Rader hatte, ware sie ein Autobus. (if my grandmother had had wheels she would have been a bus)

 

 

 Sam, three months ago today you left this earth my son.. and I still can’t believe it. You are in my thoughts every waking minute… Though I miss your physical presence beyond words, your spirit inside me comforts me.. and so it will have to be for now on.    
    I’m lying here alone in my sisters house trying to make sense of this.. trying to figure out what to say… These last three months have been  the most difficult and emotionally charged  period of our lives.  We felt pain so deep that I marvel that we have survived.. at the same time, we’ve felt more love than I would have ever believed possible. I want to take a moment to thank all of you: our friends, our relatives and our neighbors  for the wonderful love and support you’ve shown Diane, Me, Max, Gabe . and Sam over the last three months. The pain and the love are still with us .. yet with all of your help, we’re  able to integrate them and step back into our lives a little more each day.. 
    I woke this morning  in my sister’s house in Minneapolis to darkness. I was thinking of you , Sam. I couldn’t figure out why it was so dark.. it was because the power had failed in the whole neighborhood. Of course it has.. You have to pick the ways you can to send your love.. Well I feel it buddy… I had to shower and dress to candlelight this morning. It was great being there in the dark with your spirit. Here I am at 6:30 this morning thinking of you.

   You were on my mind the entire day, Sam.. I was in an all day set of work meetings.. Through the whole day I held on to your pin.. and saying your name silently. Tonight I went out to a dinner with work friends.. I felt like my mind was in two places at once.. half of me was in these meetings and half of me was in this quite place with you. After dinner.. I fried a pickle in your honor using two forks and an extension coil.. it was the only electrical tribute I could come up with. 

 

I love you Sam.. you will always be with me..

  -jc

Ps. Diane reminded me tonight.. If you  are heading anywhere on school vacation, please come by and pick up some SamStones to spread around.   We’d love for you to spread some love around for us.

Pss.  On the way home I passed this sign… not sure it’s a message for me.. or for everyone.. but I’ll pass it on here.

 

Tuesday night – somewhere over Chicago

I’m writing from somewhere over the Midwest. I’m on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis for a 3 day work conference. I’m not too happy about being away from home for that long. I am happy, though, that I’ll get to see my sister Mary and her family while I’m there.

   It’s still hard for me to be out in the world far from my family. There is no place more alone than a busy airport or a crowded plane. I’ve had a few good conversations so far this evening with folks. I’m finding that I need to practice talking with strangers again. I have always loved talking to people when I travel. It’s such a cool way to learn new things. Now I find I need to be a little careful when talking.. Already tonight I’ve had to find the right way for answering ‘how many children do you have?’   Of course, I always answer three.. then tell them about all three of my great  kids, including what happened to Sam. There I find that I need to introduce the topic carefully as not to make someone feel bad for having asked. I want to be honest and open.. but not shocking.. It’s an interesting balance. I almost always find that if I introduce the topic in a loving way that people respond with compassion and interest. I want to talk about Sam… and most people are eager to listen.

    I got an email from Diane as I was sitting in the airport waiting for this flight.. In her mail Diane told me some good stuff:

• Gabe had a great drum solo at the band concert tonight !
• Matt T got his leg cast today (bright pink) .. It looks like he won’t need surgery  (Gabe and I want to put lights on it)

.. and some bad stuff.

• A good friend of Diane’s brother Joe was killed in the line of duty this week. He has a wife and four kids.
• Several of our friends have had serious health issues of their own.. or in their families in the last week
  

Right after reading Diane’s note, I read a great letter we got today from Patti.. A friend of a friend in Austin who’s son Daniel was killed in an accident in December. In the note, Patti talks about how her family is doing and what life is like for them now.  I loved that she wrote us.. At the same time. it was hard to read the  while sitting by myself on the plane.  

   Diane and I have talked about how we can feel other people’s sadness or pain so acutely now.  To me it feels like there is some sort of string connecting my heart to theirs.  It’s like we are tuned in to the ‘pain of the world’ (in German they call it Weltschmerz).   When folks know our situation they always approach us like ‘who am I to complain?’ ‘how can I be saing this to YOU ?!”…  but they tell us anyway.. For me, I am finding I can take it. One thing Sam has done  for me is to make me so much stronger.  While I feel other people’s stories, their pain doesn’t make mine any worse.. Sometimes I even feel better for having listened if it lightens someone else’s load.

    OK.. We’re about to land.. So I need to wrap up.  One quick Sam story for today: This morning Diane went to get a massage from our friend Marcia B. (we have lots of good Marcia’s in our lives !)  As soon as Diane walked in, the heater in Marcia’s studio went out.. though it had been working all day. Marcia brought in some nice warmed stones to keep Diane toasty during her session.  As soon as Diane got up and left, the heater came back on immediately. I know it was Sam’s crazy energy. !. Diane felt like Sam wanted her to have the nice warm stones anyway..  Sam.. keep those power surges coming..

-j

 

 

Ps. I am now at my sisters house.. I had a great talk with her AND a great cheese quesadilla. The world doesn’t need more than that. We talked for an hour when I should have been sleeping. I finally did get to bed.. here I am all cozy in their third floor apartment ready to fall asleeeeeezzzzzzzzzz……………