My jetlag physically and mentally caught up with me last night and I found my self completely awake and staring at the ceiling at 3 AM.. I lay there for a bit.. then resigned that I was not going  back to sleep.. I got up and did a sort of walking meditation that I do for about the next 3 hours.. This is a big, dark, quite house at those hours so it was an lonely/solemn/peaceful kind of thing to do.   It reminded me very much about the times I walked all three baby’s in the middle of the night to put them to sleep. One of the things that came to me in my long meditation last night was the understanding that I need to start changing  the way I interact with Max and Gabe a little bit..   In many ways I find that the time I spend with them lately always has an element of Sam in it.. .. (everything  I do has an element of Sam in it).  The thing is, that reference sometimes gets in the way  of our own natural relationship.  I’m trying to center my relationship with Sam on Sam… and sort of reconnect with Max and Gabe.  I still have room in my heart for all three boys. Each in his turn.   It seems like one of those things you wouldn’t have to think out… but I’m finding the need to relearn many things that came natural to me ones. Anyway, It felt good to be thinking about the boys  like that on this dark early morning..   at about 6 I managed to fall asleep for a few hours until my first meeting.. I woke up without a fever for the first time in 5 and a half days. Whoo-hoo !   I’m definitely on the mend.

.   Even though I was away for 2 weeks.. the time difference allowed me to keep up with most of my day job meetings, email and phone calls at night… so I’m not even that behind. I think I would be if I were being more productive. I did a full day of work and actually made more progress than I expected.  Even so.. I still feel like I’m stuck in low gear..
    One thing I was thinking about today was how other stuff  like the weather, health, amount of sleep etc.. effect our outlook so much more now..  A sunny day and I can imagine traveling the planet with my family spreading SamStones everywhere.. A  drizzly day like today and I can barely imagine next week.   I consider myself as moody as anyone else.. yet I’ve never had these kind of swings.. I wonder if this Is how someone who’s bipolar feels ?
     I knocked off exactly at quitting time to spend some more time with Gabe.. Diane figured I was too sick still to expose the other folks in yoga to my germs.. so Gabe and I decided to go expose the good folks in BestBuy and iParty  instead.. We had a fun mini-night out working on Gabe’s idea for the Bolton pond skimming  contest which is in two weeks..  Last year Sam  and I dragged a kayak up there…  which was a funny disaster.. this year I’m not telling what Gabe and I are doing..  come see.Gabe was kind enough to wash my car windows tonight.. I caught him through the window here hard at work.

   We got back just in time to join the mandatory pre-garbage day house cleaning ‘party’.   It’s amazing how fast we can clean this place up when all five of us are focused.. Five is because of Scott… our rental relative..  Scott is totally awesome.. he cleans , he brings in wood.. he makes noise to simulate activity in the house.. if you don’t have a Scott of your own,… let me suggest that you get one..

As we cleaned.. Max related that during his Reiki session today Marci  said that from his energy she sensed he  needed more time with his dad (me) ..  which I thought tied in exactly with my insomniac-al thoughts of earlier this morning..  Max also told me that he was able to start his stalled car with Reiki today.. I don’t believe in this stuff.. but it  sure works !  And so does Max …Here he is  hard at work on Light Color and Design.. pretty stuff. !

   OK.. I need to get some sleep Gnite all.. gnite Sam.

-jc

ps Several folks have commented about the bed jumping scene I posted from Shanghai.. I’m starting to be surprised just how many people don’t  jump on their hotel beds.  As you can see here you’re in a  rapidly shrinking minority.

I’m not up to writing much .. and this flu has put me in a pretty low mood. I had another high fever night last night . I woke up absolutely drenched in  sweat for the  2^nd night in a row.. tonight Diane has suggested I sleep on a pile of towels.   I did wake up today feeling a little better.. by midday, though, I  was back down with fever.. This time not so high.. I stayed  low all day and started to help Max pull together some study flash cards  for his Art History exam. This is one of his make up exams from the work he missed at Pratt last semester. I spent the day leafing through his  3″ thick Janson’s History of Art.  This is the same book I used when I took the course 28 years ago.. I remember loving the course.. and sucking at it at the same time.  My professor Frau Dr. Benesch  (I lived in Austria then) told me I didn’t have an artistic mind.. Oh well..  

    As I worked, I found myself falling into a couple of the stories… It’s just amazing how many great pieces of ancient art and architecture were built in tribute to a lost son, daughter or spouse. I resonate so strongly  with this need to call out to the future… ‘here was my son’   So much beauty from so much sadness..  I even found myself crying over the story of  Pompeii .. (a  town name  so common to us that even MS Word knows how to spell it). When Pompeii was destroyed in the year 79 AD by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius froze in time a slice of the daily life and the art of ancient  Rome.. life  just suddenly stopped for the roughly 20,000 people who lived there.  It’s too melodramatic to say that our lives were ‘frozen’ the day Sam died.. Yet everything around us reminds us of that previous life.. pictures, music.. everything .. everything.  Today is moving along and finding a new balance… we have fun… we’re getting to be productive again.. at the same time.. nothing can replace the role that  Sam played in our  family..   and that’s  just going to be the way it is.

     Sometimes when I’m writing this blog I find myself backed into a corner. If I’m feeling low and write about what I’m feeling.. then I am worried that I’m bumming people out.   If  instead I try to force myself into someplace funny or newsy then I feel like I wasn’t being true to myself.. in which case.. why bother writing ?

     Well.. the last part of the day turned out to be better than the beginning. Gabe and Diane came home around 7:30 from Gabe’s first real Lacrosse practice (He’s # 5 in the midfield)  

Everybody seemed energized from being outside in daylight. Max had some productive time working on his Light Color and Design project.. which is something like:

Choose a shape… any shape.. then use that shape to portray each of the seven deadly sins using only instances of that single shape.. though you can change the arrangement, number and  color. That sounds hard !  Max also worked on a movie project for his English class at Champlain and managed to comb is hair straight for the part (Scott looks disturbed by the new hairdoo !)

We all came together for dinner at about 8:30. It was the first time we’d all eaten together in 2 weeks. We lit our Sam candle. . Max cooked some sort of scallop dish with lemon zest and garlic that was fabulous… (it was zesty !) .. just as the four of us were sitting down, Scott came in.. then Rusty showed up because his car broke down on our road. The table was full of people. It felt good. We spent the rest of the evening watching really funny/stupid movies on YouTube .

   Life is sometimes bleak.. and sometimes it’s full.. you never know Sam.. you never know..

-jc

I am still sick as a dog. (what a strange expression)  I spent the entire day semiconscious in bed.. though I managed to make it downstairs once  and spent a pleasant hour semiconscious on the couch. My fever’s been so high that it’s making time pass in slow motion. It would be pretty cool if I didn’t feel so lousy. The fact that I’m able to type now is a good sign that I’m on the mend.. I hope.

   I’m in such a different space now that I was before Sam passed. I think my tolerance  for pain and discomfort has been increased.. I mean.. after all, with what we’re going through.. the flu doesn’t even register. But it’s more than that. I find myself looking at my life with kind of an explorer’s eye now: What will that feel like ?   How will I react.. ?   Maybe it’s the blogging that makes me so introspective/reflective… I don’t know. All I know id that I was able to view having fever and chills during 26 hours of airplane travel and airport waiting as ‘interesting’   . Speaking of which, here’s a picture I took from the nest I’d built for myself under the departures screens in Chicago last night. I layered every piece of clothing I had with me (which is not much) on top of me to try and stay warm. I must have looked pretty scary

   Even being sick it’s SO nice being home.. I’ve missed Diane, Max and Gabe so much.. I’m kind of bummed that I am such a lump today.. but  hey don’t seem to mind. They keep checking in on me. Diane is making sure I drink twice my weight in water a day…

I just dragged myself into Sam’s room where I normally do my blogging from. I’ve missed the peacefulness of this place.. Diane’s straightened it up while I was traveling. It’s very inviting.. Here’s a picture of me in here.. the only part of me that worthy of a photo at this point.

Ahh Sam.. it’s so nice to be home..

-jc

I already put an entry in today.. but today was tomorrow ewhne I did it.. Now I crossed back to yesterday so I get to do today over again. I have to admit this bonus day has been tough. I have some sort of nasty flu.. I was shaking wiht chills all the way from Sydney to San Fransisco.. In spite of that I did get soem good sleep.
 It’s amazing how feeling cruddy kid of lifts you out of the stuff going on around you. I Made the plane from SFO to Chicago…. again with chills. I managed to buy a warm and overprised sweatchirt that says ‘Chicago Bulls’..  I never thought I’d where a sports logo shirt.. but desparate times call for desarate measures. I got to my Burlignton gate to din that it’s been delayed at least 2.5 hours due to weather. If it leaves when planned It gets in at 12:45 AM… I persoanlly would not bet on it leaving at all. I get stuck/delayed in Chicago so often I think I’m scratching it off my route list…
     The Airport is packed with very unhappy people.. every chair is taken… no power outlets free and I have a bad sore throat and chills.. and you want to know what … I’m just fine.. It’s a combination of things, I think first.. there’s nothing like feeling cruddy to lift you out of your surroundings and linear time.. I think I was in a trance the last 20 hours.. so the flights were much more painless than they seemed.. 2nd.. and I’m sure more importanlty.. OUr expereince with Sam’s passing has set a new baseline for pain and discomfort tolerence.. I’m meditating.. and reasonibly happy.. I’m on my way to see my family.. and that’s what matters to me…
   OK.. I need to close my laptop so my cell will charge.. I’m excited about seeing everyone.. I miss your room Sam.
-jc