As I step into this week I realize that I’m walking into a time I’ve been imagining  for almost the entire year. How would I feel as I approached the anniversary of Sam’s passing ? It’s one of those weird things when you collide with your past self’s projection of the future. The truth is.. nothing is as I expected it anymore. I certainly feel different.. but not in the same way I expected to feel different. Does that make sense ?

   A couple of things I’ve been noticing…   First, I realize that a great quiet sadness comes over me as soon as I stop ‘doing’. For  example, in yoga tonight, I teared  up as soon as I relaxed..  As long as I’m running, sleeping, eating, working, blogging, talking, welding, etc.. “I’m OK”.. as soon as I quiet  myself, I start to withdraw into myself.. . I say “I’m OK” when I’m busy… knowing  full well that this means I need to stop being busy to really be in the moment I need to be in for the next several weeks .. It’s hard to stop… but I need to.   I also realize that my patience is at a real low. I’ve just that I’ve been more  contrary  with just about everyone I’ve come in contact with at work, home, family or friends for the past couple of weeks.   It’s like I’m impatient for things to happen.. I guess that’s another distraction I’m trying to create.   

 My sense of Sam is so amplified now, too.. This past year, he’s always been with me… sometimes in the front of my mind.. sometimes in the back of my thoughts. . The past week or so he’s  always in the front of my mind … I know that makes sense.. I like being able to  think of him so clearly. I feel like these past few weeks he’s been helping me.. I always send  him love..

   I just read what I’ve been writing here , and I don’t know if it even makes sense to try to capture my thoughts  in words. .. as I remember so well ‘words cannot express…. ”  It’ still feels good to write…

    Speaking of which, I started to go through my blog from the beginning.. The first  entry is from Nov 25th..  It’s tough to read.. but it’s also really good to know that I’ve recorded  my thinking for this entire year.  and that we’ve survided.. and we’re getting stronger.    I don’t know if I’ll ever read the whole thing, but I know that it  has been one of the most wonderfully healing things I could have done..

I know that this is a hard time.. and I also know I’ll get through it.. I’m strong, we’re strong .. and we have supportive family and friends.. All that’s let for us to do is just be here and let the future come to us.

I’d like to fish a happy and peacful birthday to my father in law Gabe Mariano. We love you Gabe.

Good night friends and family, I love you Sam

-me

 ps. I just realized today is also Neil Young’s 63rd birthday. Here’s a song he wrote recently that made me think of where I am. (you can here a squeaky version of it off this page)