Just chilling in the parking lot of the airport, waiting for max. Thought I’d try the new mobile myspace app . More later.. I think max is in.

-jc

Friends..
   I need to beg your indulgence and get away with a short blog tonight. I just got home from a (great) Dark Star Orchestra concert and it’s now past 2AM. I need to be up for a 7AM phone call.. UGH..   It was a good day. though.. so I want to tell about it.

I had calls all day from 8AM until 8:30 PM.. I did manage to fit in some fun and relaxation. The first fun thing was an internatioal buffet at Gabe’s school. All the kids brought in their favorite foods from around the world. Diane made Chole from India.. It was quite spicey.. I loved it !

After a few more hours of calls I had a massage/Reiki session with Marci.. I maanged to fall asleep 4 time in the session. Marci told me that was a good thing !.. I love going there.. It really helps me maintain balance…

Later in the afternoon I met up with Diane, Deb, Jen and the Friends of Sam Kids.. They were at Hannafords in Tafts Corners filling bags with full Thanksgiving dinners for needy folks in the community. they were using some of the money that was rasied at the wonderful HWH Chile cook-off on Sunday. hte total tally isn’t in, but the early read said that they made over $3700 thanks to a generaous matching grant from HWH.
   It was really fun watching the kids fill the bags. In all they made 42 full thanksgiving dinners for distribution to kids and familysy from 3 differnt schools. Hannaford very generaously donated the bags, the pie makings, the potatoes and half of the turkey !

Here are the kids at the Hannafords store

Here’s Michelle the store manager. She was so great !

Here’s what went in every bag..   plus one turkey !

Ours did have a special ingredient.. A SamStone !
Hannah had made these greate tags for the bag.. Sam was so much part of this !

Filling the bags was fun.. and hard work

It filled my heart so much to see these kids give so much of their time and energy to finding the needy familys, raising the money filling the bags and distributing them. I have susch admiration for all of them !

I left hHannafors and immediatly had to jump on the phone until 8:30.. at that point it was time to head over to Higher Ground for the Dark Star Orchestra. DSO is the best Greatfule Dead cover band in existance. I always see them wehn they come thrgough. Tonight’s show was amazing.. neary 4 and a half hours.. 16 songs in the first set  alone !..  They played Sugaree, China Cat Sunflower, Eyes of the World, Here comes Sunshine, Railroad Blues, Mexicali Blues, Beat it on Down the road.. Cumberland Blues, Wharf Rat, Me and My Uncle, Another Saturday Night and of course, Trucking,  It was so wonderful !>. Live music is so healing to me..

I ran into Jessie’s friends from Plattsburgh, Eric, nick and Gwen

I went in with my buddy George.. We also ran into friends Pete and Shey…

The band was really good tonight.. It was their third show at higher ground this week.. but it sounded fresh !

Sam was so much in my heart tonight… I Called max and let him listen to soem of the music when the band played ‘China Cat’.. But Max and Sam could play that song

OK.. That’s all I have wakefulness to write..   Gnite everyone.. gnite Sam. I love you !
-me

Today was pretty queit and smooth compared to the last several days. One catch is that I forgot to carry my camera.. so no pictures to prove it. We started out by all going in to Gabe’s class for a half our show and tell about our trip to India. I’d pulled out a bunch of our blog pictures and moives to show. Diane took in a bunch of the spices and cloth that we’d baught… and made masala chai for the whole class. it was really fun showing everyone thescenes from half wayaround the world. They seemed to really be into the leech stories and the stuff about food. I relaized when I wnet in that I had not yet stepped foot in Gabe’s classroom this year. That was so unusual for me.   I made a tentative plan with the teacher  to come back in  and blow something up (safely) for the next science unit on matter.  We’re going back into his class tomorrow for their international buffet..we’re trying to choose between indian (chole) and jewish (latkes). We’ll decide tomorrow.
     I went back home and worked hard through the day. I don’t think I got off the cauch at all for 4 hours.. excpet to take a run with Chai. I had calls straight through until 6…  It’s funny though , the calls for my new assignemnt are still fun and new.. I could not have timed this shift in assignement any better for where my head is currently.   At 6 I went out to the barn for men’s yoga. Dian’e sbeen teaching the men’s class every other week this month. It’s a great class.. Check out Diane’s yoga class schedule at schoolhouseyoga.net.
   After yoga, the three of us met friends Bruce, Jim. Delia and Eugene at Tuscanos in Richmond. Bruce, jim and Gene were up from Poughkeepsie for the day. It was a good meal with good freinds.   Now we’re getting ready to go to bed…    A simple and peacful day. That’s a blessing.

Not much else to report.. Our friend Alan found  a great picture of Sam from a Circus presentation they did at Brrewster Pierce school a few years back. This is pure Sam…

I think that’s kevin next to him….     I love pictures of Sam having fun… It’s the way I’ll always think of him/ Gnite all.. Gnite my sons

-me

As I step into this week I realize that I’m walking into a time I’ve been imagining  for almost the entire year. How would I feel as I approached the anniversary of Sam’s passing ? It’s one of those weird things when you collide with your past self’s projection of the future. The truth is.. nothing is as I expected it anymore. I certainly feel different.. but not in the same way I expected to feel different. Does that make sense ?

   A couple of things I’ve been noticing…   First, I realize that a great quiet sadness comes over me as soon as I stop ‘doing’. For  example, in yoga tonight, I teared  up as soon as I relaxed..  As long as I’m running, sleeping, eating, working, blogging, talking, welding, etc.. “I’m OK”.. as soon as I quiet  myself, I start to withdraw into myself.. . I say “I’m OK” when I’m busy… knowing  full well that this means I need to stop being busy to really be in the moment I need to be in for the next several weeks .. It’s hard to stop… but I need to.   I also realize that my patience is at a real low. I’ve just that I’ve been more  contrary  with just about everyone I’ve come in contact with at work, home, family or friends for the past couple of weeks.   It’s like I’m impatient for things to happen.. I guess that’s another distraction I’m trying to create.   

 My sense of Sam is so amplified now, too.. This past year, he’s always been with me… sometimes in the front of my mind.. sometimes in the back of my thoughts. . The past week or so he’s  always in the front of my mind … I know that makes sense.. I like being able to  think of him so clearly. I feel like these past few weeks he’s been helping me.. I always send  him love..

   I just read what I’ve been writing here , and I don’t know if it even makes sense to try to capture my thoughts  in words. .. as I remember so well ‘words cannot express…. ”  It’ still feels good to write…

    Speaking of which, I started to go through my blog from the beginning.. The first  entry is from Nov 25th..  It’s tough to read.. but it’s also really good to know that I’ve recorded  my thinking for this entire year.  and that we’ve survided.. and we’re getting stronger.    I don’t know if I’ll ever read the whole thing, but I know that it  has been one of the most wonderfully healing things I could have done..

I know that this is a hard time.. and I also know I’ll get through it.. I’m strong, we’re strong .. and we have supportive family and friends.. All that’s let for us to do is just be here and let the future come to us.

I’d like to fish a happy and peacful birthday to my father in law Gabe Mariano. We love you Gabe.

Good night friends and family, I love you Sam

-me

 ps. I just realized today is also Neil Young’s 63rd birthday. Here’s a song he wrote recently that made me think of where I am. (you can here a squeaky version of it off this page)