Hi folks.. Just waiting to check  in tor the plane to Shanghai.. So far so good. I love you all.. Gotta run now..
-jc

Flash : We’re having a SamStones making potluck at our house at 6:30 Sat Night  (3/10) . Please bring pizza and/or salad to share. Sometime in the eveing I’ll be doing a short talk on Nikola Tesla, the mysterious scientist featured in the movie The Prestige. I’ll also be doing some cool High Voltage demonstrations. Come perepared to be shocked!

I woke to Sam dreams this morning.. not necessarily sad.. but bittersweet. I only ended up getting just a few hours of sleep. Somehow I still ended up waking up refreshed. After a few hours of work, I went in to see our friend Marci for a Reiki massage. I was feeling a ‘blockage’ between my head and heart. (I’m not sure if ‘blockage’ is the right word.. but the other analogies that seem to fit are more digestive ) What I mean is that my rational/scientific mind is sometimes at odds with the spiritual openness I’ve found following Sam’s passing. When I just think with my head..  reality feels pretty grim. When I let my heart lead along with my brain  I find I can be more optimistic, creative and forward looking. I’m not sure how it works, but Reiki seems to help me balance the two. As I said a few days back when I  am feeling ‘blah’ ..I often  need to feel much sadder  to feel better. The blah feeling really saps energy and limits my creativity.  Once I let go a little and open up to some sadness, it re-energizes me.   It’s funny to think I need to get so sad to allow me to be happy again.. but that’s the way it works.  What’s more the happy periods.. and they are much more frequent now.. feel all that much more good and healing because of the contrast.  One other interesting data point.. I tested my heart rate on one of those drugstore machines today.. My heart rate was in the low to mid 50’s… which is about 20 BPM slower than my normal rest pulse for as long as I can remember.. I guess I really am more relaxed now.

  After the massage, I went into work. I’ve been working at home more often now… and when I do go into work, I often spend the time on the phone in my office so I don’t do much wandering around of the halls. I did do a little walking around today and I realized what a mixed blessing it has become. It’s wonderful to see people. I always get such a warm and genuine caring response from everyone I meet. At the same time, It’s hard for me to get anywhere without having the same ‘how you doing’ conversation with everyone. I’m glad they ask… I just run out of good ways to answer. I also find that folks are very  eager for me to be ‘better’ . I get lots of ‘you’re looking good’  (yeah.. right ).. or ‘things getting back to normal ?’ kind of stuff. I know those are good hearted comments.. but normal isn’t even a goal for me anymore.. anyway.. I realize that everything anyone says is because they care.. when I remember that it doesn’t matter what they say.

     Around 4 I had to leave to get my hair cut. I’m going to China on Sunday. Last time I was there I had folks come up to me on the street and call me Karl Marx .. which I think was a compliment..  I just don’t see the resemblence.

I decided to neaten up a bit this time in order to be a little more incognito. While I was getting my haircut the  Red Hot Chile Pepper’s song ‘Dani California‘ came on the radio. I lost it…  not because the song is so great.. it’s because the 5 of us went to a Chile‘s show in Quebec City just  a few weeks before Sam died..

   From there, I went to help ‘organize’ at the Richmond free library book sale at the middle school.  Actually I didn’t help that much at all.. all I did was slum and eat some of their pizza. For the first time in the 18 years I’ve been going to this event I realized that  I didn’t want any books.. partially because I didn’t see anything that caught my eye.. and partially because I have a huge stack of books to be read under my bed..  I spent the evening pick out books I thought other folks would like I found a copy of Wallace Stegner’s ‘Crossing to Safety’ for Deb.  It’s one of  my favorite books.. Diane says that I say that about lots of books !   ‘Crossing’ is one of  those books I love where nothing happens. It’s about an older couple surveying their lives  in the setting of a summer vacation spot they’ve gone to for years.. They are realizing how they’ve come through their lives relatively unscathed.. That used to be my image of our life in the future. .. not anymore.. I also found copies for friends of some other  of my favorites include ‘Blindness by Jpse Saramago, ‘Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius’ by Eggers, ‘Choke’ by Chuck Palahunik, ‘To the Lighthouse’ by Virginia Wolfe and Shipping news by Proulx,  ‘The Hours’ by Mike Cunnignham,.. which is also sort of about Virginia Wolfe. ‘Last report of the incident at little no horse’  and ‘Love Medicine’ by Louise erdrich.  I love books.. just not now….

   Right now. I can’t keep my eyes open.. I ned to  post and then get some sleep. Tomorrow is the last Night riders competition at Bolton and Gabe is competing. I need ot be fresh for that .   We’re also  making SamStones at our house tomorrow night.. with a pizza and salad potluck.  I’m going to do a short talk and some high voltage demos’ on the topic of Nikola Tesla, the great last century inventor  in honor of the movie ‘The Prestige’ we just saw. Be there are by quadrilateral Sam !

-jc

Brrrr.. I twas cold today. It was 21 below zero F when we woke this morning. Today was the first day back at school for Max and Gabe.. and my first day back at work after our short vacation. I ended up working at home  again. I’m finding that it’s easier for me to work at home now. I get fewer distractions and have more time to get exercise and to see my family.  I find that I’m now as busy as I ever was from a  calendar perspective. Generally every day is full of meetings.. My mind is in a completely different space, though. I’m still working at about a quarter of my old pace. I find that I need to be told things multiple times.. and that I find it hard to take initiative on my own.  I’m finding that I’m able to separate myself  from work in a way that I don’t think I’ve been able to do since… maybe elementary school. It’s really pretty weird. I’ve always been so driven and goal oriented about my work and I’ve always prided myself on being up on all the gossip and plans.. Now I have to work to stay engaged. I know it may sound strange.. but I’m more stress free now that I can ever remember being.. ever.. even as a kid. I’m pretty sad most of the time.. but just not stressed…    It’s not that I don’t care.. I still do.. it’s just that I can now detach myself so much more easily. The last two weeks or so I have  frequently found myself in a sort of ‘in between’ state between sadness and happiness. .. It’s kind of a dull feeling. .. I’m still very much engaged with people.. it’s ‘things’ I seem to be more apathetic about. I find myself wanting to allow myself to get sadder to release this dull feeling. I frequently have to go in and immerse myself in some of Sam’s stuff.. or thin about some good memory to get  this to happen. When it does I feel like a great pressure has been released and I feel at peace again.. it’s sort of like this kind of a cycle .. if that make’s sense: ——-..______****

   So.. I spent the day in that sort of dull emotional space until about 4:30 when I finally got outside. Chai and I braved the cold and did a fast snowshoe jog up through  the hill in back. When I got back. Max and I went up the hill to see Gabe’s last Wednesday  Night Rider’s competition for the season. It’s such a great family feeling up there. Everywhere you go you see Sam stickers, Sam Buttons and his bandanna’s . He’s very much a part of Bolton.

   We got back home and I spent a little time working on the SamStones.org website. It’s starting to come together. We still need to add a bunch of material. I’d like to ask folks to please take a look and make suggestions on the general format, the ‘Guestbook‘ feature (please try it out).. and the mapping feature I have  created under ‘Found a SamStone?’.  Currently folks have to mail me their ‘found a SamStone stories so I can post them on the map. I think I can eventually code a way to let folks enter their own. For now, if you have put a SamStone in an interesting place.. and you don’t yet see it on the map, please  send me a msg or comment on MySpace and Ill add it in. You can send me pictures or movies of the stones as well.  Also.. let me know any other features you think we  should have on the Website.

   Wow.. I just realized that I’m leaving for China and Australia on Sunday..  I’m going to be gone for more than a week.. not sure how ready I am for that   Sam.. I need you to watch over this place for me while I’m gone..

-jc

Here’s Sam’s name Snowshoed in the snow aver 2 weeks ago and still out there.

Just back from picking Max up at the bus stop in Glens Falls NY.. It.  It was about 2 hours each way which is about the same distance whether we pick him up from the train or the afternoon bus,.. It still beats the heck out of driving him back and forth to NYC. He had a really good and productive visit down at Pratt. He really feels at home there… We missed him very much while he was away.       I ended up having to make the drive back down to Glens Falls only about an hour and a half after we all got back from Killington. We had a really nice couple of days down there.   We woke this morning  to about zero degrees and biting winds… I hadn’t been able to sleep much because of recurring sad/confusing dreams around Sam.  No one had any motivation to go outside and brave the elements. Instead, we had a quiet morning in the house.  Diane ushered about half of us downstairs for a yoga class to loosen all of our bones after the previous days boarding, skiing and snowboarding.  In the end, we almost didn’t even get to the yoga. Instead we started showing each other our favorite party tricks.. We spent about 03 minutes doing the two finger levitation trick. We used to call it ” light as a feather, stiff as a board” The idea is to allow your body to become both relaxed and stiff enough to allow a group of 6-8 people to lift you. using only two fingers from each hand. It’s an amazing effect. The first time they tried it on me.. they couldn’t lift me.. I was too skeptical. They tried again after I closed my eyes and did a bit of meditation.. on that next try I rose right into the air.

Gabe was so in to it that we all quickly got him to the ceiling with no effort at all..

 It’s such a cool feeling.  After that we did a trust game in which a person stands in the center of a ring of people. He/she closes his/her eyes and falls in any direction. The folks in the circle bump the person back upright. You have to have total trust to let yourself fall in any direction while keeping your hands crossed at your chest. I took this movie of us doing it to Gabe…   it’s a very cool feeling.

 After that we did  some partner yoga including Diane’s favorite cascading downward dog.. It was a perfect start to the morning

After yoga we spent an hour or so cleaning the house.. It was amazing how fast.. and how much fun it is to clean a house with 15 sets of hands…Check out time was 12 noon. At11:50 the last crumb of food was cleaned away. and we were ready to leave.. We grabbed one last picture of the group..

thought you can’t see it here.. Sam was in the picture too. I boosted Gabe up the stone wall to place a SamStone in plain sight up in the rock facing.. We like to leave a little bit of Sam wherever we go

At 12 sharp we all left for home I ended up driving Kevin and Nate back to Richmond.. On the way back I got a lecture on ‘Steez’ which is snowboardeeze for something like style… as in ‘that guy has steez’ it’s some blend of talent, attitude and fashion style, I think. I got an hours worth of who had steez.. and how didn’t.. I also learned that there are different kind of steez..   It seemed to me that everyone had some sort of steez. I was told that  had ‘science steez’..   Jen said I had ‘immature guy in grownup’s body steez‘  

   One thing we all agreed on .. Sam.. you have major steez….

-jc

ps it’s about 16 below zero Farenheit.. right now  pretty intense for March !