I’m writing from Max’s dorm room down at Pratt. It’s about 11:45and we just got here after a very peaceful drive down. It was good to have that time together in the car.. We didn’t talk much.. it was just nice being together listening to music.I’m not going to write much this evening. Max and I need to make the rounds of his friends. Several of them have made donations to the Friends of Sam art auction that’s happening at JDK this Friday..I’ll put the details on that at the end of this post….
One important thing to note is that it’s been exactly one year tonight that I began keeping this blog. I have written in it at least once a day through every one of the 365 difficult days in the years since Sam’s death. I honestly think this writing has been the single most healing and helpful thing I’ve done in trying to integrate Sam’s passing . The feedback I’ve received about this journal.. and the connections I’ve made and strengthened with the folks who read it have helped me so much in the past year.
I’ve started to re-read entries from last year.. in no particular order. .As I look back on it sometimes it’s been very sad.. others times news.It is a record of how busy I’ve kept myself.. maybe too busy.. andIt shows me how self absorbed I’ve been ..I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be someone else reading this blog …I’m not sure I’d want to know this much about someone else’s life.
Diane and I tell people now that we no longer believe that there are any real coincidences.. everything means something. I think it’s really … weird/cool/amazing that not only did today mark the year anniversary of this blog. .. but it also marked the 100,000th viewing of the blog. It happened at exactly 11:40 this morning while I was talking with my friend Homer on the phone.. and I just happened to catch it hit 100,000. . It’s like seeing your odometer got to 100,000 . It doesn’t mean much.. but it only happens once..
So.. severalfolks have asked me if I intend to keep writing now that a years up. As I said last Tuesday.. the year mark feelspretty arbitrary when it comes to marking Sam’s passing..Just because it’s been a year doesn’t mean that I don’t need to stop doing the things I do to bring Sam into my life..I can’t imagine stopping my writing now.. at the same time.. I can’t predict the future..For now I’ll keep at it.
Looks like Max and I need to go collect some artwork..which reminds me.. We want to get the word out for the silent auction that the Friends of Sam are holding at JDK this Friday night. The kids have been making and collecting art for several months .. There will be paintings, hand made glass, pottery, musical instruments, welding.. every possible medium. Even some of Max’s art school buddies are contributing their works. All the proceeds of the artwork goes directly to helping local kids.I think this is going to be a very cool adult-oriented event. Please help us get the word out ! Here’s the info on the event:
Friends of Sam Art Auction
Event: Friends of Sam Silent Art Auction
Friday November 30, 2007 from 6 to 9pm
Hosted by: Jager, Di Paolo, Kemp (JDK), 47 Maple St
Burlington VT
Please Come and enjoy an adult’s night out.
There will be hors D’ oeuvres served, music played and a cash bar.
Donations at the door
Proceeds: To benefit the Vermont Chittenden Emergency Food Shelf
It’s a slow friday night. Not much happened today. and that’s just fine with me. It’s nice having a day with no special significance.. and nothing planned. Gabe had spent the night up with friends on the mountain.. Max slept in.. I decided to take the time to weld up the frames for the fused glass projects the kids are doing. The glass is for the Friends of Sam Art Auction next Friday at JDK.. (I’ll post details as soon as I have them) . The projects will start with a 10 by 10 inch plate of clear glass. The kids will then create designs using bits of colored glass which we’ll then fuse together using Jen’s kiln. It’s a really beautiful effect. Jen and I designed a really simple holder made out of an ‘H’ made out of 1/2 inch mild steel welded to a section of 2 inch angle iron . It’s amazingly relaxing and healing for me to work with my hands like this. Welding is such a zen sport.. it’s so cool to transform a bunch of chunks of steel into a designs. We started from whatever we could find in steel stock at our local home depot.. which isn’t much
It’s satisfying to mass produce things too .. it must be the same appeal as quilting.. or needlepoint.. or accounting.. or things like that. Here’s the finished product..
By the time I was done I’d welded and ground off severalponds of metal.. the floor was covered with steel dust.. the perfect place to write Sam’s name. I still find a place to write it every day.. (sand, mud, snow, rocks, vegatbales) /
Around 2, Diane rescued me from the fumes of welding and dragged me outside for a snowshoe. We had to take Trevor up to teh mountain to meet up with Gabe.. so we started from there with Chai takign the lead. There was a ton of new snow. it was beautiful .. We got part way up the mountain and ran into our friends Tom, Silas, Brad, Parker and Jake. Tom took a bad fall the other day and got cut on the ice as we were coming down from the top of the mountain on Tuesday. He says it looks worse than it is.. I hope so
Here’s silas Multipierced Brad
Parker.. who is up visiting for the holidays.. It’s really good to see him. Sam was visiting Parker with their frind Eric when he was killed. We feel such a strong connection with both those boys now..
… and our buddy Jake.
We took a nice hour loop n the backwoods trails.. It seemed like midwinter up tehre.. (it was 17 degrees and windy.. so it felt like winter too !)
We came across this guy pointing to a gnarly jump made out of stone way out in the woods..
Here’s a beutiful snow spirit I saw
On our way back we found this bus parked way high on a trail with this crazy jump on top of it.. I can’t imagine how it works.
By the time we got back to the car we were pretty frozen. .. I had major icycle action in my beard.
Around 5 we headed up to Jen and Tim’s to make soem more SamStones.. there was a big Halo match goign on. Nate tried to give me a lesson in the game.. I’m completely hopless at it. Not good news becasue I’m supposed to be figurign out how to promote video game technology in education.
Tim and Jen have a beuatiful picture of Sam above their computer.
Around 7:30 Our friends Lee-Ann , Linda and her daughter Andrea showed up from Endicott. Linda is Diane’s best friend from when she was a kid.. and Lee-Ann was her frist baby sitting job !. They’ve all come up for the Sam Concert tomorrow. it’s great seeing them !
We’re really excited about the benefit concert tomorrow night.. It looks like it’s goign to be a great show.. we’ve got the music, food and parking all set.. now all we need is the people !. You can find details here. Please come down and help us make some noise for Sam ! we love you Sam…
Today, another milestone. Our first.. no actually.. our second Thanksgiving without Sam. .. And, like all these milestones, it was not as I imagined it would be. We actually had a very fun and peaceful time. There were some very sad parts… but as I say often.. there are sad parts to all our days now.. every one of them..
The day began aith an 8:30 ‘fun’ run.. (nothing is truly fun at 8:30 in the morning 🙂 This one was organized by our firends Dwayne and Maureen in memory of their son Jarred who died on this date, Thanksgiving 6 years ago.. Today was also Jarred’s birthday. The Race today was to raise money for the Jarred Williams Foundation which helps kids with brain cancers and their families… About 100 runners showed up this morning in the 32 degree drizzle.. it was actually a good day to run.. Maureen was there welcoming the runners
Our neigbors francis and Ginney were there
Max came and met up with is old buddy Augest Dwayne Williams and his daughter Danielle welcome the runners and describe the course.
Diane signes us up… Diane and Max opted for the 5K walk I signed up for the 10K run.
All of us lined up and ready to go… get ready, get set…..
I was tag number 93..I talked to Sam for the whole run. I came in in the middle of the 10K runners pack.. not my best time, but one of my proudest.
I was finishing my run about the same time that Diane was finishing her walk..we finished in the drizzle cold and wet and feeling good. We got home to find that one of our new nifty mousetraps had worked.. Here’s our first hostage…
I escorted him (or her ?) across the bridge and let him out.. I offered him a cracker.. but he wanted nothing of it.. I came back to the house to find Gabe awake. He and Diane were eating soem of the crepes i’d made. I abstained.. I was saving myself for dinner.
Our freind Carl was over.. here he is looking demonic.
Around 2 we all bundled up and drove up to teh Townsends. It brought back powerful memories to me. Exactly one year ago today we flew in from Florida after saying goodbye to Sam…as soon as we got home we drove up to the Townsends where all of Sam’s friends had gathered. we all looked at pictures and cried together.. I will never forget that feeling of collective saddness and the overwhelming love of Sam’s friends that night.
Today felt very different.. The kids were already at work eating when we arrived..
As always at the Townsends, te food was amazing in all aspects, taste, variety, quantity and display.. It’s always a gourmet experience up there.
Our friend Jen artfully arrainged her plate. They even had lots of veggie stuff for us.
We got to meet their new pet rabbitt, peter.. He kept coming over to check us out as we ate.
I kept noticing the gloves and coats on the mitten rack (which the girls and I made).. They looked like tow people hugging.
Our friends Hannah, Dave and Adah were there.. Hannah’s due in 4 weeks. I liked the way her pregnant belly looked in a Sam shirt.
Deb’s freind Eric was running a contest to see who ate the most. We all had to weigh in. I think the winners were either Nate or Marie K. I think they ate soemthing like 4 pounds.. I ate a mere 1 pound.. and was quite satisfied. .
Afterdinner, Tim plugged in teh Karaoke .. It was really fun watching folks sing.. and reading the words to soem of these songes.. (Did you every look at the words to teh song ‘Drink Wine’ ? .. or ‘Looking out my back door ‘ ?… pretty strange)
Tim has ana amazing voice.. who knew ?!
The kids gathered to watch us adults make fools of ourselves..
Adah got into it too !
The music drove Peter the rabbit back into his cage.. which has a Sam button prominantly displayed.
As you can here.. teh content and delivery varied widely !
At about 6 Kevin showed up.. Today was his brithday. Sam’s death last year really tool awayKevin’s birthday.. we wanted to make sure that he had a proper party this year.. we’d gotten a cake forhim.. He seemed happy and surprised.. He’s such a good kid !
Diane wearing her DJMSG t shirt. We made these many years ago. I treasure mine.
As I was sitting there listening to the singing I came across a great set of articles in National Geographic about the human heart. It had a big thing on transplant. Today was the day that Sam became an organ donor. I’d ask you all to take a moment when you can to discuss organ donation with your family and friends..
The article talked about what a wonderful organ the heart is.. and how much it can withstand. My firends, I’m here to tell you that it is truly amazing what the human heart can withstand. The past year we have been subjected to the very worst thing that can happen to a family.. and survived.. Every day is hard.. yet every day we’re a little stronger..
Today is Thanksgiving and I can say that despite our tragedy, I am truly thankful for what I have.. I have two wonderful kids.. Gabe and Max.. I have a wonderful and loving wife, Our extended families are all doing well. and love us and support us. We have the most wonderful and supportive community and group of friends.. and we live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. .. and we have Sam’s memory and his wonderful wonderful spirit deep inside us and helping us be strong.
I want to wish you all a happy and thoughtfull Thanksgiving. Recognize what you have in this life.. and pass on your good fortune
It’s here.. the official anniversary of Sam’s passing.. and honestly.. it’s been a good day. It’s so hard to know what to expect on days like this.. but it seems that it wasas I had anticipated, a lot like most days .. a mix of deep sadness at not having Sam in our physical lives and sparks of fun and joy sprinkled in brought by our kids, family and friends. The thing that give a day like this so much weught is the large number of other peopl ewho mark it with you.. that made it generally a better and easier day than most.
Last night was really the harder time for me. THat marked the actual anniversary of Sam’s accident.. which is really when he stopped existing in his physical form. I spent a good deal of yesterday thinking aboutthat first, so very difficult and ad evening. I busied myself yesterday with finishing the decorations on the Sam sculpture out front (note the new guitar) .. and some welding for the friends of Sam art show. The day passed very qucikly
Towards evening I was really freaking out. I broke a glass while cleaning up… I was kind of wreck. Diane and I were having an intesne conversation about Sam when suddenly she yelled.. ‘there’s a mouse behind you in the stove !’.. This brazen guy had actually climbed up through the burners of our stove and was trying to get at our foccacia !.. You have to squint a bit to see him in this highly maginified and grainy pict.. but there he is.. Somehow seeing this guy turned my evening around.. and I was fine.. About that time a bounc of the kids friends started showing up and the evenin took on a more celibratory tone..
I didn’t have a whole lot of need for ritual last night.. I realized that I’d been doing so much observing of Sam’s passing every day.. that I didn’t feel the need for too much special stuff (eg. prayers, etc).. I did do one religious-ish thing which is to light a yarhtzeit (????????) candle for Sam.. In judiasm you’re supposed ot burn one of these for 24 hours on the anniversary of a loved one’s passing .. It did. indede burn for 24 hours…
We fell asleep peacfully last night and were in a sound sleep unitl about 2:15 when all the smoke alarms in the house decided to go off.. We lay there slepily trying to figure out the cause of all the noise. I dragged myself downstairs to see what was up.. the kids were cooking some mozzerella sticks.. but they had just gone into the oven.. and the wood stove was closed up.. never did figure out what was causeing the alarms.. but we oppened the doors and turned on teh exhaust fans and the alarms quit.. The only think I can figure out is either.. a) something had dripped into the oven and was causign invisible smole.. or b) Sm was saying hello to us.. I’m going with b) .
I woke up and Diane showed me the page from yesterday’s calendar… hmmm..
We puttered around for a few hours this mornign getting ready for the folks coming over tonight. Mason and Scott helped us out by runnign in to town to pick up soem new mig welding gas for me and bagels for all of us.. As soon as they got back we all sutied up and headed up to Bolotn to climb the fire tower.. It was pouring rain and freezing.. a great day for a walk up a mountain..
There were about 15 of us in total.. (plus Chai).. we plunged up the mountian.. the snow got pretty deep in places.. it was mid thigh at the top.. no fun to drop through..
Here we are mid way..
Finally at the hut at the top.. the rain had let up quite a bit. Everythign was coated with ice..
We went inside and had a chai tea toast to Sam..
It ws too nasty out for everyone to climb the fire tower. Max, gabe and I decided to do it in memory of the time we did it o spread soem of Sam’s ashes..The three of us tromped up the hill to the tower.
The rickity ladders were completly covered with ice.. it was nasty climbing
The three of us finally got to the top.. it was like a skating rink up there.. and the wind was blowing like crazy. It was FREEZING !.. The wind makde it tought toe light the small fireworks we’d braught with us.
As soon as they’d gone off we slid back down the ladders back down to solid earth… I was glad to be down !
We went back to the lode where the other were and did a biggish block of fireworks..
Then we headed down the hill on snowboards, skiis, snow skates , sleds, bottoms and feet.. It was steep goign down.. some good sleeding !
We had one wet and tired doggy at the end of the hike !
It was raining pretty hard again at the bottom of the hill.. I just needed to get home and get soem warm and dry clothes.
We got home areound 3:30..and took a bath. about 4:30 folks started showing up.. by abotu 5.. Sam’s room was completly packed with his friends.. and it remained packed all night..
I don’t know how many folks came tonight but it was somewhere between 100 and 150 came by to be with us and be with Sam.. it could not have been any nicer.. lots of memories of Sam.. lots of hugs.. some tears.. lots of good food and of coaurse, lots of fire. We’d asked our firends to bring stuff to burn in the fire.. For example. our friend Liz made this cool star to burn..
I handed out printed copise of the SamStone stories people have been writing in. comments from Sam’s mysspace, excerpts from this blog and asked people to make things out of the paper.. Folks made balls, planes, crowns, everything.. It actually stopped raining enough for us to go outside.. so we took the papers and chucked them all in the fire.. it felt good to do it !
At 7 we all gathered aroudn the fire and passed around candles.. We’d asked all our firends around the world to do this at 7PM EST insolidarity with u in memory of Sam. It was beautiful seeing all those candles going.
We also sent up a hot air baloon .. It wsa a bit blusterry for launch.. but we got it flying (truth be told.. these ballons pictures are from last night.. but we did anther one tongiht.. just no pictures)
… and we ended.. of course, with fireworks.. good ones this time. Dam would have loved it.. I hope he did !
We did do a little homemade firemagic.. here we are tossing Cremora non-dairy creamer on the fire.. It’s dangerous stuff. Max singed his hand quite painfully in this process.
The one ritual I had saved for today was to get rid of the ratty concert bracelets I’ve been wearing on my right wrist.(Not the sam memorial bracellt on my left wrist) Since Sam died, ‘ve not taken off any concert braceletss off my wrist.. I think I had about 9 of them.. I cut them off and tossed them in the fire..
At that point we all moved back inside and finished up 2 bags of clay making SamStones, eating the remaining soup and ice cream.. and just generally hanging out.
It was a wonderful and special evening for us. I want to thanks all of our friends in the commmunity wh have been there for us these last few days.. and this last whole difficult year. You’re all like family to us now. I also want to thank all the folks who called, mailed or emailed us to fish us strength over the past few days.. You good wishes have really helped us… Adnd I want to thank our extenede families .. they’ve been supporting us as they do their own mourning for Sam…
What a day.. well.. it’s time to go to slepp. We’re all doing the Jarred Williams run tomorrow at 8:30.. should be fun..
Fianlly.. Sam.. We all love you so very much.. your friends love you.. if you ever needed proof.. tonight was it..
