Monthly Archives: May 2010

Sunday night – i wonder

Just ending a wonderful lazy day around the house.. I didn’t take on anything that required much thinking.. I did a little garden work with diane.. did some recreational web programming.. then some microcoding to help make some light up hoolahoops for some friends.   THe intellectual down time gave me time to go deeper inside. I’ve been wondering/fantasizing what Sam would be like at 18 .. Gabe reminded us at breakfast on Friday that we’d told Sam that he could get a dirt bike on his 18th birthday.. it was a way of saying ‘not now’.. but knowing that kid.. he’d have kept us honest.

I think he’d be taller.. but not as tall as gabe.. maybe taller than max..   he’d be strong.. I remember his hugs were crushing.. He’d like to go down and visit max, I’m sure.. they always had a specials bond.

   He’d no doubt have been in his  share of mischief.. as sweet as he was.. he was no angel.. I’m sure that his teachers and school officials would have found him a fun and endearing hand full/ He’d certainly still be into sports.. I’m sure he’d have continued to progress as a rider.. his snowboarding style was unique..  I wonder if he’d get into the competitive stuff like Gabe does. I’m sure he’d still be playing Lacrosse.. It would have been fun to see him coaching Gabe..   I’m sure Gabe’s’ riding and lacrosse playing would have made Sam proud.. (maybe they still do ?)

He’d probably be going off to college now.. I wonder what he’d be interested in studying ? My guess is that he’d be heading out west for school. He’d want to be near bigger mountains and more snow.  

I’m sure he’d still have a wide and mixed group of friends.. his friends were from many different places.. different interests.. different styles..  sports kids party kids. music kids, whatever kids, school kids.. just like the cross section here last friday for his birthday

One thing I don’t wonder about are his love of us.. and his independence.. both of those were deep in his soul..

I wonder.. I always will..

gnite freinds.. nite Sam…
-me

Saturday night – everywhere

Yesterday as we were busy getting ready for sam’s birthday memorial celebration. I started taking pictures of all the pictures and sam stuff we have in each room of the house. I started soing this adter I asked Diane whether we should put out a few pictures of Sam for the party last night. It didn’t take me long t realize that there was no reason to put out more pictures.. Our house is a veritable shrine to Sam.. and max and gabe.. THere are sam artifacts everywhere  ..

Here are some family pics in the hall

including some of Sam’s artwork…

Sam’s room is full of posters from after Sam’s passing.. we still call it ‘sams room’.. though it’s now our movie/video game room…

Here’s sam dressed up as nikola tesla for school. I loved that !

We still have a ton of all the kids artwork from school

Even his old bolton pass.

Gabe has several pictures of his brother in his room..

As do we in our room…

Even in the bathrooms, there’s sam…

Sam greets you when you enter the mudroom

An he’s there in the front entrance way as well..

The kitchen / livign room is full of him too..

Looking at this long list of pictures and objects I can see how soemone might say that we’re obsessed with our son.. and can’t let go.. . I actually had a discussion along those lines wiht my friend J at Lacross today.. I’d have to say I am obbsessed.. just as I’m obsessed with Gabe. Max and Diane.. and I’d also have to say.. I guess I can’t let go of Sm.. anymore than I can let go of my other two.. they are all part of me.

There will come a time where we rearrange the pictures.. we may even use sam’s room for something else.. There may come a time where I don’t feel the need to keep writing abotu sam and our journey every day as I’ve been doing..

but those says don’t seem to be coming very fast..

I want this kids and his memory in my life..  he will always be part of us…

our house, our lives just mirror the shrine we carry around in our hearts…

nite folks.. thanks for all the love you have all been sending us.. nite Sam
-me

.

Friday night – 18 years

Today , Sam would have been 18 years old.. Unbelievable..  The day passed wiht laughter, tears, memory… and lots of house cleaning.. like almost any other day around here.

 What would Sam have been like ? I’m guessing that

he’d be much the same as he was.. beutiful, athletic. mischievous..

caring.. and fun… .. I’ll bet he’d really enjoy being 18 and the

freedom that would bring..  

I miss him so much that I can feel it in my bones… .. I hope he somehow knows how much we and his friends miss him.. and celebrate his life every day..

Happy birthday my beautiful son.

A bunch of freinds showed up for our annual birthday remembrance for Sam.. lots of his freinds. lots of our freinds.. It was fun and festive.. Sam was very much there in spirit. 

People shared memories of sam .. played music.. and showed off there new art..

Food was pot luck  so it was fun and varied..

hThen out came the cakes.. This part was sweet..and sad.. we all drank a red bull tost to Sam and stuffed our faces with cake.

Most then went outside to sit around the fire..

Gabe and I made a ‘burning sam’ again.. I built the fram.. and Gabe led the stuffing of it… I put in soem home made pyrotechnics.. (no booms, though in order to keep the peice wiht the town)

Gabe and I lit the thing with two roman candles.. pretty sweet.. Sam would have LOVED it.

Then we put Sam’s name on a hot air ballon and let it rise into the night

It was a long, sweet and sad day.. I’m glad it went well.. I’m glad it’ over

Happy birthday our sweet Sam..
Nite all.. nite Sam.. We love you now and forever

-me

x

thursday night – not 18

I spent the day trying not to think too much.. which is pointless.. since that itself requires thinking.

Tomorrow sam would turn 18..

It was a day I thought about when he was born..

it was a day I though about when he died..

What is it about 18 ? .. maybe high school graduation ? freedom ? donno….

It’s an important age…  and still an important age for Sam..


One thing I did get done was to refill the pool filter.. as Diane and I removed the sand we came across the samstone we’d placed in there several years ago.. we put in the new sand.. then I put the stone back in.. it makes the pool water freindlier..

Putting it in there reminded me that a few days again we got an invite in the mail to our friend Bob’s wedding. Bob is the guy who had received one of Sam’s kidneys.. he found us when he saw me put the Sam stone in the water filter on the Colony.. He invited us to hsi wending becase Sam made it possible .. Isn’t that very cool ?

It was a nice echo putting this stone in our filter.

I’m trying not to imagine tomorrow.. because it won’t be like i THINK .


Talk to you from there

Nite folks.. I love you sam
-me