Yearly Archives: 2010

Tuesday night – zero

None of us slept well last night.. I went to sleep around 1:30 , Gabe and Diane were both up from about 2 til 4. .. I had a hard time getting myself out of bed this morning.. Work was excruciating.. I had zero resiliance, zero tolerence and zero patience all day.. I had to stop myself several times to take a walk and shake it off.. I couldn’t figure out what was up…

It just dawned on me that after all the bitter/sweet fun of the weekend.. I hadn’t really skipped a beat..  We marked Sam’s birthday…. and that felt good.. but I never stopped to be sad/mad/depressed… I don’t think I let myself.. I think it just caught up with me..
I guess that’s natural.. ope tomorrow’s better.. Maybe sleep will help

Nite freind.. Nite Sam
-me

ps. Our friend Avery celebrated high school graduation by jumping out of plane !  Now that’s something Sam would do !

Mondy night – Memorial day

Today was Memorial Day.. a strange concept when every day is a memorial day of sorts. Today I actually took some time and thought aout the real meaning of the day..   OI considered all the men and women who’d died for our country.. then my thoughts turned to their families, their parents.. and my hear went out to them in a way it never could before Sam died..   If more families shared our experience of loss, war would have to come to an end.. because  no one would be able to bear letting their kids go off to kill or be killed.. …   Even so.. .. no even more so… I honor the soldiers  and their families who made this sacrifice on either side of a weapon

We had a quiet day today … which is what I needed.. Diane and I went with Tim,Jen and all of our dogs on an explore from their house through the woods to some cliffs overlooking Gillette pond.. we’d always known there was a way up to these cliffs.. but none of us had found our way there.. Today we did.. it was a fun hike. Lots of bushwacking .. We found many trees that had come down in the last big windstorm.. here’s a blowdown with a whole in the roots..

We came across a rare lady slipper flower n the trail.. .. I haven’t seen one of these in years..

Finally we found the cliffs.. here’s our first view of the pond… and this is about a mile from our house ! . It’s about an 80 foot sheer drop to the shore of the pond from here..

This poitn is what the boys and I called ‘dead beaver island’.. not really an island.. but a cool point out in the lake.. most accessible by canoe. We used to camp there… one time Sam and I found a dead beaver there.. hence the name.

We hiked back the easy way.. you could tell this land had been farmed at soem point in the past.. That’s amazing given how stepp and craggy it is..

All through the walk we were commenting on the acrid/sweet smoke that was in the air.. it made everything look hazy.. it wasn’t till we were don from our hike that we learned the smoke is from a Quebec wildfire nearly 300 miles away !.. The smoke was so thick down on cape cod that they had to close their regional airport for a while !  You can see the smoke here..

After some gardening, Diane and I went down to Homer’s to his memorial day party.. I had put a new remote control in the model of the time cycle and wanted to drop it off.. I also wanted Diane to see Raye and her friends the ‘fat kids’ .. Not sure why they call themselves that.. . but they’re about 10 hippie kids camping in Homer’s backyard.. They’re converting an old school bus to travel around in. Their mission is to cook for whomever needs food. They travel and cook these amazing meals for folks who need food. They’ve fed thousands around the US.. . It’s such a cool idea. ! .. Check out their website at http://fatkidskitchen.org/   They could use donations of food, money or ‘stuff’ to help in their mission.. so please check them out.

Here’ their bus ‘Miss Yes’ .. it’s really coming together.. they now have a giant gas range and a wood stove in there !

Here’s some of the kids ..   awesome, awesome people ..   hard working and full of love for the world.

We headed home around 6 in order to meet up with Tim and Jen again.> This mornign’s walk to the cliffs over the pond gave us the idea to do a sunset cruise.. We mounted up the canoe and headed back to Gillette ponsd..

Here are the cliffs of this morning as viewed from below.

Jen and Tim were in 1 person kayaks..

We all brought snacks.. Tim brought mango margaritas !  Yum..

I loved the way the late sun looked on the water..

We made 2 stops on land.. 1 to view the small longhouse someone had built in the woods.. very cool.. Then one small pilgrimage for me.. I stopped at ‘dead beaver island’ .. I wanted to place a SamStone there.. 

By around 9 the light was fading.. so we paddled back to the car.. it was a beautiful night out..

OK.. it’s about midnight.. and I have some work to do for tomorrow.. so I better sign off.. Night all.. night Sam..
-me

Sunday night – i wonder

Just ending a wonderful lazy day around the house.. I didn’t take on anything that required much thinking.. I did a little garden work with diane.. did some recreational web programming.. then some microcoding to help make some light up hoolahoops for some friends.   THe intellectual down time gave me time to go deeper inside. I’ve been wondering/fantasizing what Sam would be like at 18 .. Gabe reminded us at breakfast on Friday that we’d told Sam that he could get a dirt bike on his 18th birthday.. it was a way of saying ‘not now’.. but knowing that kid.. he’d have kept us honest.

I think he’d be taller.. but not as tall as gabe.. maybe taller than max..   he’d be strong.. I remember his hugs were crushing.. He’d like to go down and visit max, I’m sure.. they always had a specials bond.

   He’d no doubt have been in his  share of mischief.. as sweet as he was.. he was no angel.. I’m sure that his teachers and school officials would have found him a fun and endearing hand full/ He’d certainly still be into sports.. I’m sure he’d have continued to progress as a rider.. his snowboarding style was unique..  I wonder if he’d get into the competitive stuff like Gabe does. I’m sure he’d still be playing Lacrosse.. It would have been fun to see him coaching Gabe..   I’m sure Gabe’s’ riding and lacrosse playing would have made Sam proud.. (maybe they still do ?)

He’d probably be going off to college now.. I wonder what he’d be interested in studying ? My guess is that he’d be heading out west for school. He’d want to be near bigger mountains and more snow.  

I’m sure he’d still have a wide and mixed group of friends.. his friends were from many different places.. different interests.. different styles..  sports kids party kids. music kids, whatever kids, school kids.. just like the cross section here last friday for his birthday

One thing I don’t wonder about are his love of us.. and his independence.. both of those were deep in his soul..

I wonder.. I always will..

gnite freinds.. nite Sam…
-me

Saturday night – everywhere

Yesterday as we were busy getting ready for sam’s birthday memorial celebration. I started taking pictures of all the pictures and sam stuff we have in each room of the house. I started soing this adter I asked Diane whether we should put out a few pictures of Sam for the party last night. It didn’t take me long t realize that there was no reason to put out more pictures.. Our house is a veritable shrine to Sam.. and max and gabe.. THere are sam artifacts everywhere  ..

Here are some family pics in the hall

including some of Sam’s artwork…

Sam’s room is full of posters from after Sam’s passing.. we still call it ‘sams room’.. though it’s now our movie/video game room…

Here’s sam dressed up as nikola tesla for school. I loved that !

We still have a ton of all the kids artwork from school

Even his old bolton pass.

Gabe has several pictures of his brother in his room..

As do we in our room…

Even in the bathrooms, there’s sam…

Sam greets you when you enter the mudroom

An he’s there in the front entrance way as well..

The kitchen / livign room is full of him too..

Looking at this long list of pictures and objects I can see how soemone might say that we’re obsessed with our son.. and can’t let go.. . I actually had a discussion along those lines wiht my friend J at Lacross today.. I’d have to say I am obbsessed.. just as I’m obsessed with Gabe. Max and Diane.. and I’d also have to say.. I guess I can’t let go of Sm.. anymore than I can let go of my other two.. they are all part of me.

There will come a time where we rearrange the pictures.. we may even use sam’s room for something else.. There may come a time where I don’t feel the need to keep writing abotu sam and our journey every day as I’ve been doing..

but those says don’t seem to be coming very fast..

I want this kids and his memory in my life..  he will always be part of us…

our house, our lives just mirror the shrine we carry around in our hearts…

nite folks.. thanks for all the love you have all been sending us.. nite Sam
-me

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