I realized today that I just missed another anniversary. Sunday marked the 6th anniversary of my writing in this blog .3 days after Sam died, I wrote this. … and every night since i’ve sat down and tried to chronicle my and my families lives. With the exception of the 2 months I was offline for the TV show, I’ve written every night.. first on Myspace.. then eventually on wordpress. I was able to screen scrape all (I hope) of my first several years of blogging from myspace just the day before they took away the blogging history functions. thats more than 2000 posts..
Initially writing here was a way of answering the ‘how are you doing’ question to the many caring folks who were grieving with us and concerned about us after sam’s death.. Soon it became a way for me to work through some of my own sadness… for a long time, my daily writing was the time when I integrated all that was happening to us.. the pain. the love that flowed into our lives, the ‘newness’ of life without sam. the cosmic coincidences that kept appearing in our lives with sam connections…
As the months passed writing became a solace to me as other’s returned to normal.. and I could not.. As the milestones passed.. birthdays, deathdays, holidays passed, this blog became a yardstick by which I measured my healing.. it’s still so useful for me now as I read those early posts I se what a long path we’ve all been on.. I also see how deceptive progress can be.. I look back at times I figured I was ‘ok’.. only to see from a distance that I was dtill anything but.
as the years past, it became hard some nights to know what to write.. some days my posts are merely a recount of the days events.. who I saw, what I ate, etc.. sometimes its about my travels, or hobbies. Though I make a point never to talk directly about my work , sometimes the people around my work do get mentioned here. There have been times when I feel like its time to stop writing.. .. I’ve said all I need to say.. .. ever or at least i could stop writing every night…. but something has kept me at it.. why stop now.. ?
it’s so cool to have this sort of record of ones life.. even if no-one else cares.. I do.
For now I’ll keep at it.. .If you’ve been reading this.. thanks for being patient with me.. I know I dont write well .. I cant spell and I have a hard time organizing my thoughts into linear sentences.. but thats who I am.
and for now I still feel the urge to write..
as always..
nite all, nite sam
-me
