Myspace blog was out of commission this morning and I thought I might lose my mind. I’ve come to rely so much on writing a little each day.
The last two days have been hard… things are pretty quiet at the house now and there are longer stretches of us being alone.
I did venture out out the house both days to try and do a little shopping for xmas. That was so very hard.. it’s really difficult for me to get excited about ‘things’.. this season. We did have several sets of visitors today.This evening a bunch of folks showed up annanounced which was wonderful. Jen brought chinese food and we had a table full of people again… It seems likeour friends can sense when we need a little boost and show up… It’s really wonderful
Last night I had some trouble staying asleep.. at about 3 I started to meditate as I do whenever I need to relax. My routine… or I guess it’s even my mantra… is to picture each person in my family and send them some love. The last few times I’ve tried to do that I’ve broken down each time I get to Sam… Last night I just tried to beam the same love to Sam that I always have.. and it felt so good.. I finding that when I’m most sad I’m usually thinking about what Sam’s death has done to me and my family…. I’m mourning the future. I’ve said before.. I find that I’m faced with the decision every waking minute on whether I choose to surrender to deep sadness.. or try to go forward.. Now I’m finnding that I can sometimes (not always) redirect some of that energy into thinking about Sam.. and sending him love in the present. When I can do that… it’s a much more postitive energy. Where-ever Sam is.. whatever he is now.. he probably can still use all of our love. Please try sending him some love tonight….
On the topic of present-tense love… DIane and I are leaving now to take Gabe to see Hatebreed and Killswitch Engage using a ticket Sam bought. Sam was so psyched to see these guys.. we just want to make an appearance… If you know their music.. you’ll know what a deep act of love it will be for us to go listen đŸ™‚ So.. if you’re at the show and see an old guy in the mosh pit.. please give him a hug.. Make it snow please Sam !
-jc