I’m not up to writing much .. and this flu has put me in a pretty low mood. I had another high fever night last night . I woke up absolutely drenched in  sweat for the  2^nd night in a row.. tonight Diane has suggested I sleep on a pile of towels.   I did wake up today feeling a little better.. by midday, though, I  was back down with fever.. This time not so high.. I stayed  low all day and started to help Max pull together some study flash cards  for his Art History exam. This is one of his make up exams from the work he missed at Pratt last semester. I spent the day leafing through his  3″ thick Janson’s History of Art.  This is the same book I used when I took the course 28 years ago.. I remember loving the course.. and sucking at it at the same time.  My professor Frau Dr. Benesch  (I lived in Austria then) told me I didn’t have an artistic mind.. Oh well..  

    As I worked, I found myself falling into a couple of the stories… It’s just amazing how many great pieces of ancient art and architecture were built in tribute to a lost son, daughter or spouse. I resonate so strongly  with this need to call out to the future… ‘here was my son’   So much beauty from so much sadness..  I even found myself crying over the story of  Pompeii .. (a  town name  so common to us that even MS Word knows how to spell it). When Pompeii was destroyed in the year 79 AD by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius froze in time a slice of the daily life and the art of ancient  Rome.. life  just suddenly stopped for the roughly 20,000 people who lived there.  It’s too melodramatic to say that our lives were ‘frozen’ the day Sam died.. Yet everything around us reminds us of that previous life.. pictures, music.. everything .. everything.  Today is moving along and finding a new balance… we have fun… we’re getting to be productive again.. at the same time.. nothing can replace the role that  Sam played in our  family..   and that’s  just going to be the way it is.

     Sometimes when I’m writing this blog I find myself backed into a corner. If I’m feeling low and write about what I’m feeling.. then I am worried that I’m bumming people out.   If  instead I try to force myself into someplace funny or newsy then I feel like I wasn’t being true to myself.. in which case.. why bother writing ?

     Well.. the last part of the day turned out to be better than the beginning. Gabe and Diane came home around 7:30 from Gabe’s first real Lacrosse practice (He’s # 5 in the midfield)  

Everybody seemed energized from being outside in daylight. Max had some productive time working on his Light Color and Design project.. which is something like:

Choose a shape… any shape.. then use that shape to portray each of the seven deadly sins using only instances of that single shape.. though you can change the arrangement, number and  color. That sounds hard !  Max also worked on a movie project for his English class at Champlain and managed to comb is hair straight for the part (Scott looks disturbed by the new hairdoo !)

We all came together for dinner at about 8:30. It was the first time we’d all eaten together in 2 weeks. We lit our Sam candle. . Max cooked some sort of scallop dish with lemon zest and garlic that was fabulous… (it was zesty !) .. just as the four of us were sitting down, Scott came in.. then Rusty showed up because his car broke down on our road. The table was full of people. It felt good. We spent the rest of the evening watching really funny/stupid movies on YouTube .

   Life is sometimes bleak.. and sometimes it’s full.. you never know Sam.. you never know..

-jc

I am still sick as a dog. (what a strange expression)  I spent the entire day semiconscious in bed.. though I managed to make it downstairs once  and spent a pleasant hour semiconscious on the couch. My fever’s been so high that it’s making time pass in slow motion. It would be pretty cool if I didn’t feel so lousy. The fact that I’m able to type now is a good sign that I’m on the mend.. I hope.

   I’m in such a different space now that I was before Sam passed. I think my tolerance  for pain and discomfort has been increased.. I mean.. after all, with what we’re going through.. the flu doesn’t even register. But it’s more than that. I find myself looking at my life with kind of an explorer’s eye now: What will that feel like ?   How will I react.. ?   Maybe it’s the blogging that makes me so introspective/reflective… I don’t know. All I know id that I was able to view having fever and chills during 26 hours of airplane travel and airport waiting as ‘interesting’   . Speaking of which, here’s a picture I took from the nest I’d built for myself under the departures screens in Chicago last night. I layered every piece of clothing I had with me (which is not much) on top of me to try and stay warm. I must have looked pretty scary

   Even being sick it’s SO nice being home.. I’ve missed Diane, Max and Gabe so much.. I’m kind of bummed that I am such a lump today.. but  hey don’t seem to mind. They keep checking in on me. Diane is making sure I drink twice my weight in water a day…

I just dragged myself into Sam’s room where I normally do my blogging from. I’ve missed the peacefulness of this place.. Diane’s straightened it up while I was traveling. It’s very inviting.. Here’s a picture of me in here.. the only part of me that worthy of a photo at this point.

Ahh Sam.. it’s so nice to be home..

-jc

I already put an entry in today.. but today was tomorrow ewhne I did it.. Now I crossed back to yesterday so I get to do today over again. I have to admit this bonus day has been tough. I have some sort of nasty flu.. I was shaking wiht chills all the way from Sydney to San Fransisco.. In spite of that I did get soem good sleep.
 It’s amazing how feeling cruddy kid of lifts you out of the stuff going on around you. I Made the plane from SFO to Chicago…. again with chills. I managed to buy a warm and overprised sweatchirt that says ‘Chicago Bulls’..  I never thought I’d where a sports logo shirt.. but desparate times call for desarate measures. I got to my Burlignton gate to din that it’s been delayed at least 2.5 hours due to weather. If it leaves when planned It gets in at 12:45 AM… I persoanlly would not bet on it leaving at all. I get stuck/delayed in Chicago so often I think I’m scratching it off my route list…
     The Airport is packed with very unhappy people.. every chair is taken… no power outlets free and I have a bad sore throat and chills.. and you want to know what … I’m just fine.. It’s a combination of things, I think first.. there’s nothing like feeling cruddy to lift you out of your surroundings and linear time.. I think I was in a trance the last 20 hours.. so the flights were much more painless than they seemed.. 2nd.. and I’m sure more importanlty.. OUr expereince with Sam’s passing has set a new baseline for pain and discomfort tolerence.. I’m meditating.. and reasonibly happy.. I’m on my way to see my family.. and that’s what matters to me…
   OK.. I need to close my laptop so my cell will charge.. I’m excited about seeing everyone.. I miss your room Sam.
-jc

I’m just packing up to leave the hotel and wanted to get a quick post in before I do. I don’t know how the next 24 hours is going to work.. I take off from here On Friday at 2:30PM and get home at Friday at 10:20 PM .. but I have to go through yesterday to do it.. Or tomorrow.. or something like that.  

It looks like a good day for 20 hours  of flying. .I don’t feel up to doing much else. . I have some sort of stomach/body flu I went to bed with a stomach bug (let’s just leave it at that).. and woke up happily no longer throwing up.. but with a pretty high fever.. I had a conference call at 6:30 this morning.. I’m sure I sounded *great* :-%    With enough water and aspirin in me I should be able to get through the trip OK.

   Gosh.. what to say at the end of such a long and eventful trip ? The cool thing about doing this blog is that I’ve already recorded most of the things I’ve done.. I guess that’s good and bad.. I won’t have much new stuff to tell someone if they’ve been reading along.

At a personal level, this trip has been both long and lonely.. and at the same time it’s been very peaceful and rewarding. I’ve missed my family something fierce.. Thanks to the wonders of email and VOIP phone calls I’ve been able to talk to my family nearly every day.. so that’s helped a bunch. I’ve had more quiet and  thinking   time than I have since Sam died.. and I’m happy  of the way I’ve used the time.. I’m  happy and thankful that I’m  feeling ‘peaceful’ at this point in my life.

   The work part of the trip has been fun. I enjoy being an ambassador of sorts for IBM.   It has been a little tough taking all the late (eg. 2AM) and early (eg. 6AM) calls that it has taken to keep up with my day job at home.I’ve also loved traveling with my friends from the IBM Academy.. When you travel all over with the same folks for as long as we’ve been doing it’s really like family.. we all are getting to know each other’s families, each other’s quirks.. and each others family’s quirks J /  E..g Glenn , Liesel and Leisel’s family have almost adopted me during my stay here.. It’s been so wonderful.  I had dinner over at Liesel’s mom Mary’s house last night and met Mary’s twin sister, and three of her kids and a spouse or two.. It was great ! ..

I’ve loved getting to know more about Australia and China..  I’ve been both places before.. but haven’t experienced them as deeply as this trip. In some ways recording the blog makes me want to get out and experience more stuff. I also feel like I’m doing this travel not just for myself but for Sam too.. does that make sense ?

   Australia has been a wonderful place to visit.. sunny, warm and beautiful.. And that’s just the people !.. Actually the people here are so positive and optimistic it might make you queasy if they all weren’t so darn likableI found a quote by Rudyard Kipling on the sidewalk of all places that sums the place up pretty nicely….

.. Bill Bryson’s wonderful book ‘In a Sunberned Country’ told me that Australia has more slot machines per cpaita than any other country.. and more types of poisonous snakes.. What’s not to like ? 

I can sum up my feelings as:

     I did feel well enough to walk down to the Opera house one more time this morning and toss my last SamStone into Sydney harbor.. I really find this SamStone thing to be a good way of honoring Sam while I travel..

Well.. It’s getting on time to leave.. I have a whole bunch of stuff to cram into two little bags.  I can’t wait to see my Family.. Sam.. you’re coming with me.

-jc

ps… I just got a picture of my sister and brother-in-law’s new baby John “Jake” Samuel Liddicoat..   Here he his at one minute old !