Tonight is Erev Yom Kippur, The beginning of the day of Atonement.. the holiest time of the year for Jews. It’s also 10 months today since Sam’s death.

I went  to services at UVM tonight with my friend Jake. .. There’s a small group of about 50 Jews who meet there on the High Holy days Yom Kippur is when you’re supposed ot be sealed in the Book of Life for the coming year.. There’s a lot of focus on those who have died in the previous year. I thought it was going to be hard for me to go through that.. I held Sam’s picture as we went through the Mourner’s Kaddish.. the prayer for the dead.. . I’ve been thinking abut this night for nearly all of the past 10 months. It was a hard.. but not nearly so hard as I imagined.   As always the things you expect are not the hardest.

Yom Kippur is the day when you reflect on all the things you fell short on in the past year… You’re supposed to think of  all the people you wronged, all the  promises to yourself you failed to keep, all the folks you let down. Then you’re supposed to  ask for forgiveness.. whether it be from G-d.. the folks you wronged. or even yourself. . If you know any Jewish people, it’s not unusual for them to come looking for you around this time of year an apologize for something they did.. or did not do in the past year.   So… let me take this opportunity to apologize to any one of you that I may have done wrong to this past year.. I know that I haven’t been at my best these past 10 months.

We recite a prayer called Kol Nidre (Hebrew: ?? ????)  which is actually in Arameic.. though written in Hebrew transliteration.. It calls for all vows you made in the past year to be annulled.  Translated it goes

All personal vows we are likely to make, all personal oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce. Let them all be relinquished and abandoned, null and void, neither firm nor established. Let our personal vows, pledges and oaths be considered neither vows nor pledges nor oaths.

It’s a great purging ritual.. it also has always struck me as something of a cosmic cop out. I do love the music  though

I really love all the music in the service. After 48 years they worn into my brain… even with my wobbly Hebrew the melody and the words are a comfort to me.. even If the specific metaphysics.. e.g. . A G-d ‘up there’ and me down here.. isn’t what I believe at all.  One of my favorites is the Alvinu Malchenu.. ‘Our Father our King’ (though now all reform services are supposed to be  gender neutral). My favorite version   of that one has got to be the one from  our homegrown brethren from Phish

Tonight’s service was lead by a nice young guy from Boston who’s studying to be a Rabbi. He brought some supplemental readings we used.. which included some great poems by Shel Silverstein (I once sat next to him in a plane for 3 hours !) ..   The readings also included this poem from Merrit Malloy. It really made me think of Sam

 EPITAPH

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die
And if you need to cry
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you
And when you need me
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me
I want to leave you something
Something better
Than words
Or sounds
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved
And if you cannot give me away
At least let me live on your eyes
And not on your mind
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands
By letting
Bodies touch bodies
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free
Love doesn’t die
People do
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love
Give me away

Shana Tova (good new year) my family and friends

Shana Tova Sam

-me

Worked at home again on this beautiful day. I found myself much more lighthearted and productive than I have been in nearly a month.. A combination of getting stuff done and the upcoming change in work focus. I love working in the house and being able to see Diane and Chai .. and after 3, Gabe,  go about their day. I can also understand how I get in the way. I’m always on the phone so I’m constantly running around to find a quiet place to work…  It’s nice though…

Today I was thinking about Mason, Tyler, Rusty and Alex who started their big adventure today backpacking around Europe. They don’t have any particular plan, just Eurail passes and a few bucks to tide them over. They left Boston last night

And landed in Dublin about 5:30 this morning.

>

> Hello all

> we arrive this morning in dublin at 530.  we baught an unlimited bus pass

> for the next three days and then set off to find accomadations.  we found

> what we needed at 13 euro a night. we will be off to london on the 22nd so

> lets see how that goes.

> all is well

> love

> mason, rusty, tyler and alex

>

I keep thinking about that moment when you walk out of the airport/train station/bus station and say to yourself ‘now what’ ? I loved doing that as a kid.. and I guess I still love doing it. You end up really learning so much about yourself and your travel companions when you are traveling that loose.. They’ll come back with stories that will scare their folks and entertain their grandkids . If you’re reading this and Europe and have a spare bedroom, let me know and I’ll send you 4 nice kids.

I was thinking about my own kids a bunch today.. As I started to prepare for a strategy discussion at work, I came across on of the  mind-map diagrams I made about my life last year.. It has everything from personal relationships to finances in it.

I looked at the things I intended to do with my kids. Sometimes I have to stop and think what kid of a Dad I’ve been.. .. with all my kids.. and of course, with Sam.. it’s different. All in all I felt pretty good looking at the list.. though we never built that hovercraft, Sam.. I hope that’s OK.. It has to be

I love you guys.. love you Sam

-me

Today passed relatively easily. I can feel that my heart is lighter knowing that I’ll be taking this sabbatical in November. I have tons of stuff to do between then and now.. but it seems as though there’s some light at the end of the long dark tunnel that my working life has become in these past several months. Reaction to my planned temporary changed of  has been pretty positive overall. At some level, I still feel very guilty about taking time out.. I feel as though I’m letting many   of my co-workers down. At the same time.. I feel very certain that  is a good thing for me and my family.. and it’s a good way to honor Sam’s memory…

OK…. I just started writing another very heavy paragraph.. I re-wrote it twice then did the microsoft word equivalent of wadding it up and throwing it in the waste basket. It felt good to un-write it. I’ve gotten so much into the habit of micro-analyzing everything   that it gets old and boring.. (eeeeek.. I’m doing it again in this paragraph).. Enough, enough enough…

OK.. so what concrete happened today ? Hmmm.. I started the day by finding a guy with a jet powered kayak  parked in my driveway…  No joke .. whjat a cool idea !

I actually managed to get a bunch done during the day. It was a good mix of technical stuff and people stuff. I had a meeting with my friend Xingle who’s moving to California.. Is that a good name or what ?

It was good talking to him.. It’s even more fun to say his name. I find I really enjoy hearing other people’s life situations and dolling out fatherly advice.. It’s so much more fun than thinking of my own stuff.

Not much else to report.. tonight. I got home to find Diane and Gabe measuring the house to see if we could bring the trampoline inside for the winter (?!?!)   .  He then went out to spray paint his lunchbox.. Thta kid always has a spray can in his hands these days.

The only other event tonight was that Hannah T. came buy to show off her brand new drivers permit..

.. .. I also found out that today is s Marie K’s. birthday . These milestones are fun to enjoy vicariously

On a sadder  milestone, I heard today that our friend Ann, Jean  and Fran’s mom,  passed away on Monday. She was such a great lady. She traveled all the continents of the world. Last week she told me that she’d planned a trip to Antarctica just before she got illShe’d spent the last few weeks being with friends and family saying goodbye. She had such dignity and strength.  I went over there and stood by her bed last Sunday.  I felt really honored to be with her.

OK.. all for now. I love you all.. I love you Sam.

-me

 ..
 

Hmmmmmm…

 I’m in a funny mood tonight. So many well meaning people have asked me ‘how are you’ today.. that I’m not sure how to respond . I wouldn’t have them stop asking .. but the grooves in my answers are so worn so deep  that even I can’t bear to listen to them anymore. I want people to keep asking me how I’m doing.. I love them for asking..  I just don’t want to keep answering.   What to do ?  make something up ?

People have an uncanny sense of what we need and where we are.. My good buddy Kerry arraigned a meeting at lunch with Kat C.   a very cool and able local metal artist. We brainstormed about what might be the perfect memorial to Sam’s. We had a great talk about what would capture Sam’s spirit of fun.. We talked about kinetic sculpture, fountains, light and sound..   We ended up spending most of our time talking about a piece of art that might be the centerpiece for a local skateboard park. We all left loaded with ideas and optimism about what we might be able to make happen. I live for these moments that my sadness for Sam’s passing  can be transformed into doing something.. making something.. creating something that can be enjoyed by other folks.  It’s like the ultimate alchemists trick of converting sadness into good works. I am absolutely certain that my only path back to sanity is by helping other people channels Sam’s energy into learning and having fun

The rest of the day was sort of a blur.. I was in work meetings all day but not much got through to my brain.  I got home in time for yoga.. then we started to help Gabe on his homework. I know that he’s having some of the same motivational issues that I’m having.. still.. he pushes through.. he’s a great role model for me..

Midway through a book report, our friend Carol showed up with a bunch of beautiful roses. Somehow she knew we needed that bright color tonight.

Thank you all for taking care of us… we need you.

Gnite all. Gnite Sam.

-me