All posts by johncohn

Saturday night – Sam Gathering

I woke today to having my family all in one place. Max came home around midnight his morning. It was wonderful having both boys together. They spent some time this morning exchange music mix tips.. It was cool to watch and listen to.

Just after noon we all bundled up and drove up to the mountain. .. for our now yearly ritual of hiking to the top in Sam’s honor.. It was 12 degrees F. at the base not including wind chill….   THey already had about 18 inches of snow..

It was a looooong and cooooooollllld hike up to teh top

The closer to teh top we got, the worse the weather..

We got to to the hut in the top just as we were all starting to freeze. We were happy to find some of our firends up there too.. there was Eric, Devon , Collin. and Corey. We had one red bull between us, so we passed the can around and toasted Sam …

Gabe, Max and I decided to hike to teh fire tower to launch a firework for Sam…
On the way we went through drifts that were over our waistes !

Max and I crawled up the rickety steps… several rungs in the ladder were missing from last year.

We got up to the top and it was insane.. almost like being on another planet.. the wind was howling, I’m guessing it was about 2 degrees at the top… with a 30 MPH stiff wind.. I think that gave us a windchill of about -20F !

Soemone had put a samstone up there already !

Max poured the rest of the red bull for Sam..

Then we lit a small mortor … no small feat in the howling wind.

We couldn’t get down quick enough..

We all slid, sleddde , boraded and skiied down the mountian.. itw as getting dark by the time we got to the car..

As soon as we got home, I had to switch gears and start finishing the burning man. That called for a bit of creative pyrotechnics.

People started showing up around 6.   I had a whole bunch of kids out there helping me decorate the man with flamable things..

Here’s his head, that’s steel wool for hair… magnesium ribbon for eyes, a spark shower for a nose

We put all sorts of stuff in there that I wanted to burn.. including the phone that we got the call about Sam’s accident.. I wanted to see it burn.

Finally we were ready.. he kids picked the man up and carried him outside.

We lashed him to some pipes driven in the ground.

We called folks out… then started the fire .. On the 2nd attemp.. it took !

..

We all went in as soon as we could.. it was so cold !.. We had new sam stickers for folks…

We did a red bull toaste to Sam… there were more than a 100 poplein the room when we did that…

It was also Kevin (and Shelby’s ) birthday.. so we did a cake for him

Here’s a short montage of stuff at the party…

..

Then it was time to make SamStones.. We had some of Sam’s slideshows running while we did…

Max made a hand of clay.. very interesting.

Sometime in the party Tyler and Nate got a whole of hair clippers and gave temselves ‘Flock of Seagulls’ haircuts.. strange !

By 8:30 the plae was packed.. and the mood was good… we were talking about Sam.. and.. beung happy to all be together. … It’s about midnight now and thee are only a few folks still here… I’m ready for bed..

It’s been a long good day… Sam would have loved it..Gnite my son.. We miss you and love you….!

-dad

Thursday night – two years

Hey Sam…  
    It’s two years ago tonight that we got the call that you’d been in an accident. I will never forget that hour of not knowing if you were ok or not… and then…..  

You’ve been in my mind every waking hour since that moment. These days, my memory of you makes me smile much more than it makes my cry.. but today.. it’s about even.  I hope that you can feel how strongly people still hold you in their hearts … they always will.   think of how you lived with such fun, love and strength. You’ve helped me and so many others take more of that into our own lives.

I like thinking about how much fun you were having this last day. You’d spent the day on the beach with Parker and Eric skim boarding. You left me this phone message late that afternoon to tell me about it.. I could hear how much fun you were having. 

I miss you so very much … Be at peace my beautiful boy… I will love forever !

-dad

Wednesday – not today

Amazing thing.. I was actually confused yesterday.. tomorrow is actually the anniversary of Sam’s accident. I always have trouble pinning down the date. Maybe because he left us over a three day period.. the 20th was the accident, the 21st he was declared legally dead, and the 22nd was the day of his organ donations.  Actually.. it’s more likely hard to remember because it’s hard for me to think of at all. These pst few das have sharpened my memory.. and that’s hard.
    I spent a good part of the day talking to sam.. soemtimes in my head and soemtimes out loud. It felt prety good. It also felt good that several folks remebrerd and reached out to me/us . I know that all of our freinds and famiy think of Sam often.. It’s just really amazed me that folks would remember the date.. I am… we are… very. very greatful and bouyed by everyones thoguts , visits and prayers.. It makes me feel good that in our wide support network we’re getting the wishes of several gods, godesses and peaceful spirits from every corner of the world.   I feel really blessed to have the such supportive family , freinds and community. I cna honestly say that I don’t think I would have survived without that… I feel a great debt of gratitude to the world for thta support.. and It’s shaping my future.
    I ran into Jane today while I was out running with the dogs. We were talking about how loss can strengthen people.. or destroy them… most days I think I’m getting stronger.  I like to think that Sam’s proud of how we’re doing.. I like to think  he’s  proud to see that Diane and I are still living fully.. that his brothers are doing well and having fun in their lives.. I like to think  he likes what we and all his freinds are doing to keep his spirit moving through the world. .. I like to think……  I like to think..
     OK.. That’s all for tonight.. Thaksagain to all of you wh are sendign their good wishes.. we really appreciate it.

Good night my friends.. Good night Sam. my beautiul boy…
-jc

Tuesday night – whole

Nov 18, 2006.. that was the last day that I remember being ‘whole’ . Tomorrow, the 19th, is the day we got the call that Sam had been in an accident. TThe time has passed in such  surreal way since then . In many ways.. it has passed unbearably slowly..  Every day has been a small… .. i don’t know.. a small death.. every morning I wake up to the realization that Sam is gone.. . .. and I realize I’m something less than I was.. On  the other hand.. It has  passed so very quickly. The events right before and right after that moment are drawn in my
mind in such detail I guess it’s because I run them over in my mind so
frequently . My family, friends, colleagues continue to move forward in time, while my life is still tethered to Nov 19-21 2006..  It seems like some sort of wierd physics…

I feel so differnt….  But not completely bad different.. just differnt.
I miss Sam so, so much.

So now what ? Not sure what the rest os the week will bring…

Today was pretty chill.. I managed to stay ff of work and emal.. I di soem projects around the house.. I rewrote the code for the hardware interface for the viideo game we’re  writing for the  cystic fibrosis kids…   Then I worked ont he light suits that Gabe and John K will wear in circus on Friday..   Here’s Gabe showing off in the lights….

OK..   that’s all I can think about today.. more tomorrow…
Nite folks.. nite Sam
-me