All posts by johncohn

Saturday night – 1st day of winter

It’s the first day of winter and it feels like it. It’s not that cold.. high 20’s and windy.. but the gray sky just signal the long cold months ahead.

The gray skies were the backdrop for Kate T’s funeral at Good Shepard Lutheran this afternoon. It’s hard for me to talk about it much. It is so hard to see a bright young life like Kate’s cut so short. It was also so very hard to see Tom and Beth and family going through this… I felt so sad.. and at the same time.. I felt centered and calm. Death has such a different meaning to me now.  I know that there is nothing that we or anyone can tell them to ease the process of surviving.. … nothing that will make it go quicker..  I  admire their ability to stand in front of the congregation of their friends and talk about Kate.. I know what that takes to do.. Somehow your heart gives you the strength to do what needs to be done. I wish them all peace.. Kate too.. I wish it with all my heart.
  

I remember thinking last year after Sam’s Memorial service that it was so remarkable that everyone there… except us… could leave that place and return to the ‘real’ world and their daily lives.. How could that be ? Still.. I found myself returning home to my workshop to work on a project I’m building for Gabe.    It does feel funky to right about that after writing about Kate…  Still life goes on… It has somehow for us.. never the same.. but it goes on.

The project we’re building is a 10 foot shotgun rail for snowboarding.   Gabe and trevor helped me cut out the leg braces out of 1.5 inch square tube stock.. They seemed to like the sparks.

After half a day in there I have metal dust and splinters in every pore of my body. tomorrow we will  weld on the legs and we can try it out. I find making stuff .. especially stuff for my family.. to be one of the most meditative and healing things I do.

Gabe and Trevor abandoned me on the early side to my sparks in order to bake a pre Christmas cake…   It was yummy.. so it was a good trade-off

Later in the evening we went up to Jen and Tim’s .. Jen’s sister Coco is in town . It was good to see them. Tim was playing bartender and made us drink these weird blue drinks … I’m still seeing things.. I think . 

We spent a good part of dinner trading Sam stories.. Especially ones about the remarkable coincidences we keep having since his passing. We had Chai up there to see there dog Wilbur and cat KrunkBeast.. Their other dog.. and our good friend Freddie died earlier this week. He was a great dog… I could tell that Chai missed him…

I did manage to catch the cat  Krunk playing Katzilla in the Christmas scene.. un for your lives !

We got home around 11.. but Gabe and Trevor were not tired enough to sleep.. They went out and had a snowball fight while they could. The snow’s going to get pretty messy tomorrow.. we’re expecting up to an inch of rain.. on top of the 2 feet of snow.. it’s going to be a mess.

Time  settle into winter..and the holiday week. Keep warm everyone.. old your families tight.. and please send love to Tom, Beth and Kate …

Gnite all.. Goodnight Sam.. We love you
-me

Friday Night – Solstice

It’s the longest night of the year.. Solstice. One of the few holidays that the earth really owns. It’s always been a time of great reflection for me.. it’s the darkest night of the year.. after months of  growing darker earlier every day.. tomorrow the process will reverse… I look forward to the days getting longer.. the early darkness takes it’s toll on our moods and our strength.

I took today off completely from work. I managed to spend a good part of it running errands but still it was a much welcome break from work. Midday I went to see our friend Heater at Dragonfly gifts.

Heather had helped us with a special Christmas project this year. Her shop is full of really beautiful home made stuff. Heather and her family set up the store after Heather’s brother died in 2003 after a long battle with substance abuse.  Many of the items in the store are on the theme of H.O.P.E.. (Helping Other People Eternally) It’s a great and uplifting place.    It was pretty funny that a few minutes after I walked in the door, the circuit breaker blew and the store went dark.. Heather said it had only happened once before.. and it was earlier that day when I called her… That’s so Sam.

After visiting Heather, I went home Picked up Gabe at school and took him and Trevor up to the mountain. From there, I went back home. picked up Diane and we went to the visiting hours for our friends Tom and Beth’s  daughter Kate. Tom had made a coffin for Kate by hand . She is such a beautiful girl .. with such a spark. It breaks my heart.


It is so hard see Tom and Beth starting to go down the same path that we’ve had to follow. There is so much I want to say to them.. but now is not the time.. there will be lots of time to talk later.. now we just need to listen and be there for them. It was hard to place myself back in that initial pain.. yet at the same time.. I felt strong I wanted to be there for my friends like all the people who were there for us.The Celebration of Kate’s life is tomorrow at 2 at Good Shepard Lutheran. We’ll be there.

All the while we were visiting with Tom and Beth and talking about Kate I felt Sam so close to me.. He’s been right with me all day.. I get that feeling when I need him most.. I went home and looked at his pictures.. and the sculpture in our front yard.


Later in the evening we made a brief visit to see our friend Maureen and participate in her Solstice observation  Solstice is about rebirth.. so it was a good theme for us at this point in our life.   There were about 15-20 of us there tonight.


Maureen did a beautiful short solstice service..


We sat and talked there for a bu.. then wandered home. Max and his friends had set up a solstice fire out in the snow…


It is wonderful having Max and his friends back in the house. Things are sometimes too quite now. We really appreciate it when folks drop by like this


Merideth

Cody


Jeremy


OK..Ithe longest night is starting to catch up with me. I need to sleep. More tomorrow.. Good Solstice everyone, Good Solstice Sam !
-me

ps. Here’s my favorite Solstice song..

The Christians and the Pagans by Dar Williams (listen here)

Amber called her uncle, said “We’re up here for the holiday,

Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay.”
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three.
He told his niece, “It’s Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style,”
She said, “Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and its been awhile,”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said,
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses.

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch,
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, “Is it true that you’re a witch?”
His mom jumped up and said, “The pies are burning,” and she hit the kitchen,
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, “It’s true, your cousin’s not a Christian,”
“But we love trees, we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share,
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere.”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And where does magic come from? I think magic’s in the learning,
‘Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning.

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her aunt said, “Really, no, don’t bother.”
Amber’s uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and like her father.
He thought about his brother, how they hadn’t spoken in a year,
He thought he’d call him up and say, “It’s Christmas and your daughter’s here.”
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve, saying,
“Can I be a Pagan?” Dad said, “We’ll discuss it when they leave.”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold.

Thursday night – remember

It’s now the 2nd darkest night of the year.. and I can certainly feel it. I drove around most of the day doing holiday shopping in sort of a fog of remembering. It wasn’t as sad as it sounds. There are many happy memories in there.  As I looked for gifts, I found myself wondering what I’d be getting for Sam… I’ve been thinking about the things I will send him this year..: love, connection, appreciation, peace.. fun…. remembering.   We can all give each other gifts like that I find.

This is a season for remembering. Last Saturday there was a Remembrance service at All Children’s Hospital in Clearwater FL where Sam was after the accident. We couldn’t go.. but Parker’s Mom,  Stacy,  went for us. She helped us get a picture of Sam worked into the service and hung a memorial ornament on the tree there on our behalf. Stacy said that it was a beautiful and powerful service remembering about 100 kids who’d died in the hospital in the last couple of years. I can feel the emotion in the room even though I wasn’t present.  I was glad that Stacy was there for us and for herself.

About  two weeks ago Compassionate Friends organized a a worldwide candle lighting as a  remembrance of kids who have died. On that same evening, a few folks form our community participated in a remembrance service at a church in Underhill. Our good friend Gretchen wrote a poem to read at the service. Gretchen’s sister Stephanie died more than 20 years ago when both she and Gretchen were in high school . I just caught up with Gretchen and got her permission to share it here..

Remember (by Gretchen P. Dec 8, 2007)

Remember
Look into the flame
A candle lit for remembrance
Remember
Remember my smile
Remember my laugh
Remember my hug
Remember a sunny happy day
Remember being in the snow

Remember playing music, walking down the hall, watching a parade, swimming
  in the river, dancing in the rain.
Look into the flame
Remember
Remember to say my name
Remember to share our stories
Remember the hole you feel
  and fill it with the love we share.
My love will never leave you
 
Remember my family
Remember that their loss is heavy
Remember that they need your smile and hug
Remember that they need the stories you bring
Remember that they need you to say my name
  Tomorrow, next year, in 10 years, forever

Look into the flame
Remember the light that shone within me
I’ll remember the light that shone within you
Remember to keep your light burning as I do mine.
Remember that love is like the flame.  When shared the flame does not lose
  anything, but only becomes brighter.

Remember grief is not eternal but love is.

I think it’s beautiful and perfectly captures our intentions in remembering those we love.  And we do still love you so much Sam.. I love you all..
-me

Wednesday night – Kate

Friends..
    I have a very tough news this evening. Last night I learned that Kate, a daughter of my good friends Tom and Beth, had just died of a drug overdose. I didn’t know what to do…or what to think..  I so remember how important it was to me when my freinds showed up in the days following Sam’s passing. I was too sick to to do anything last night. I was up an around today.. so this evening I drove over there to see what I could do.  I stood outside there house for several miutes centering myself before I walked in..


Beth met me at the door.. as soon as she did I knew I had done the right thing by coming. I spent a few hours over there talking and listening to Tom, Beth and the rest  of the family.   We talked about Kate and her life. I remember her as a bright funny and vivacious kid. Her dad and I once fired her FoxTail catch toy a few hundred yards up into Robbin’s mountain using a 20 foot long air cannon.. That was at Dian and my 10th anniversary in 1996.. that would have made Kate 10 years old.

Tom, Beth  and I couldn’t figure out how long we’d known each other..   We think we’ve known each other for about 20 years. Our lives have always run this intertwined parallel course with interests, mutual friends.. and now this..

It hurts me to think what my friends are going through today… and forever.. I know this dance.. and I would never wish it on anyone.

I also know the power of friends and family in healing and the strength that comes from that..  I will be there for them as so many friends have been there for me.

I found a picture of us on Tom and Beth’s fridge.. you can see all 5 of us over Tom’s shoulder here. That picture was taken in the Caymans just a few months before Sam died.

I could remember so clearly that fog I was in in those few days following Sam’s death. I remember how much I realized on the love and strength of others then.. I new exactly the role I had to play tonight.. which was nothing.. I knew there was not much I could say or do.   just listen, hold, hug.. and listen some more.

There will be visiting hours on Friday night 7-9 at Ready Funeral home on Shelborn road then a Celebration of Kate’s life at Good Shepard Lutheran Church on Saturday. The times will be in the Free Press tomorrow.

Thanks for the guidance tonight Sam.. You were with me.. I know.. Gnite all
-me