I’m a little written out from trying to reconstruct yesterday’s post from memory… but I’ll try to do today now

Good mourning… (stupid play on words I know ) but that’s how it feels. The day is bright again and our mood is an OK mix of saddness and peace. We’re learning to accept how this mourning process comes to us.. We find it’s OK for us to have spells where we’re happy.. or busy.. or spacing out… and times when we’re deeply sad. Several folks have asked whether we need ‘space’ or ‘time’ to be by ourselves to mourn.. the answer is no.. we get plenty of time by ourselves..we really welcome visitors or invites to do something…please do not worry that your will distract us from our business of working through Sam’s death… we will be working on that forever….
   Yesterday was a pretty good day.. After the MMU organ donor talk I went to visit Jim Cleary a stone engraver we know… he does really cool things with sandblasted granite. Diane’s frend Marci  had a very cool vision of Sam while doing a Reiki session with Diane.. the image was of the Mayan necklace that Sam always wore. It spelled S-A-M phonetically in one using Mayan glyphs. Sam got that necklace when he Diane and I went to Mexico in June. We’re having those images sandblasted into a rock for our garden in memory of Sam…   It was great being around Jim and seeing how he worked with such a hard and lasting material. . I then drove down with good friend Alan to Monkton to visit my friend Homer Wells… a cool inventer/artist who works in metal , plastic, wood and wax (yes wax).I know it sounds strange, but I’m  feeling the need to create and be around creative people since Sam died. I think I’m going to weld something for Sam today…
    Here’s one really powerful Sam story that happend yesterday.. Alan and I had a great conversation in the car…  Towards the end of the drive I was talking to Alan about our life after Sam’s death. I was confidently telling him that I will continue to miss Sam ..at the same time I’m committed to live my life fully and keep joy in my life.. Sam would have wanted that afterall. I dropped Alan off and was driving home on Wes White Hill… The confidence of my conversation with Alan started to fade as I drove down the dark road alone .. I asked outload to no one in particular..  ‘will I really be ok ?!’ At that instance the trip-hop remix ‘Organ Donor’ (!!!!) by DJ Shadow  (http://www.last.fm/music/DJ+Shadow/_/Organ+Donor) came on the radio  (XM satelite station XMU.. one of 140 that we get) .. it’s a *really* obscure track that I always listened to at home. right after that they played any even more obscure  DJ Shadow remix piece “Building steam from a grain of sand”  (http://hype.non-standard.net/track/191711) ..  The opening monologue on that piece is

Pretty cool..  no ?   Please don’t worry that I’m loosing touch here.. Maybe these  are ‘just’ powerful cooincidences .. but I’m begining to see that the word ‘coincidence’ is too dismissive… What do you all think ?
Gotta go enjoy this day now.. Peace out Sam…
-jc

Myspace blog was out of commission this morning and I thought I might lose my mind. I’ve come to rely so much on writing a little each day.
    The last two days have been hard… things are pretty quiet at the house now and there are longer stretches of us being alone.
I did venture out out the house both days to try and do a little shopping for xmas. That was so very hard.. it’s really difficult for me to get excited about ‘things’.. this season.  We did have several sets of visitors today.This evening a bunch of folks  showed up annanounced which was wonderful. Jen brought chinese food and we had a table full of people again…  It seems likeour friends can sense when we need a little boost and show up… It’s really wonderful
    Last night I had some trouble staying asleep.. at about 3 I started to meditate as I do whenever I need to relax. My routine… or I guess it’s even my mantra… is to picture each person in my family and send them some love. The last few times I’ve tried to do that I’ve broken down each time I get to Sam… Last night I just tried to beam the same love to Sam that I always have.. and it felt so good.. I finding that when I’m most sad I’m usually thinking about what Sam’s death has done  to me and my family…. I’m mourning the future. I’ve said before.. I find that I’m faced with the decision every waking minute on whether I choose to surrender to deep sadness.. or try to go forward..  Now I’m finnding that I can sometimes (not always) redirect some of that energy into thinking about Sam.. and sending him love  in the present. When I can do that… it’s a much more postitive energy.   Where-ever Sam  is.. whatever he is now.. he probably can still use all of our love. Please try sending him some love tonight….
     On the topic of present-tense love…  DIane and I are leaving now to take Gabe to see Hatebreed and Killswitch Engage using a ticket Sam bought. Sam was so psyched to see these guys.. we just want to make an appearance… If you know their music.. you’ll know what a deep act of love it will be for us to go listen 🙂      So.. if you’re at the show and see an old guy in the mosh pit.. please give him a hug.. Make it snow please Sam !

-jc

Friends.. just heard two funny cooincindences involving Sam’s Name. Last night our friend Coco was reading a book called “Father Joe” that’s a bestseller in stores now… the story mentions  the legendary agent Sam Cohn.’.. If that’s not weird enough…. Our friend Alan Cambell is the manager of Memorial Auditorium where we held our Sam’s celibration of life. The monday after  Sam’s celebration Alan got a call from a guy named Sam Cohn (or Kohn ?) from Dartmouth Hitchkock hostpital  in New Hamshire who wanted to rent Memorial auditiorium…  It’s like there’s some sort of huge pattern out there that we can only see in glimpses…  Strange.. no ?
-jc

Sam’s been gone four weeks today. I’m learning that you really feel these milestones: the first hour, the first day, the first month since your loss.  A timeline for your grief shows you how far you’ve come. .. and how far you still need to go. It’s even hard for us to pick a date for Sam’s death… was it Monday the 20th when he was injured? Was it Tuesday the 21st when he was declared brain dead ?.. or was it Wed the 22nd when his organs were donated…. How do we calculate at all when we know/hope that his heart is still beating in someone’s chest….   Diane and I have been reading studies that show that organ recipients…  heart recipients in particular… often begin to display emotions and traits and preferences of their donors. I know it sounds far fetched.. but there is  evidence out there.. I smile thinking about a kid somewhere in Florida who’s suddenly developed a craving for Red Bull and hanging upside down.   
   On a related note: Diane, Max and I have been invited to got the MMU on Tuesday and Wednesday to talk to the health and PE classes about organ donation. The meetings occor annually and were scheduled long before Sam’s death. A great guy name Jim Carter goes into the classes to talk about seatbelt usage and organ donation. Jim’s daughter Andrea was killed near Browns River in 1990 while  a senior at MMU. Jim also brings in an organ recipient who talks about how someone’s tragedy saved his/her life. We’ve been invited to come in with Jim and talk about the donation decision with some of the  classes. The school is giving anyone the option for stepping out if the topic makes them uncomfortable.  We’re hoping the discussion prompts the students to go home and talk about organ and tissue donation with their families. We’ve learned that the most important thing is  that your family knows your wishes  I know this is a tough topic.. but I can tell you first hand…. there is no greater gift that a person can give or receive. Even though Sam won’t be with us for our christmas… his organs are giving four families christmases they would never have had.  This season please consider discussing the gift of life with your families.
     On a completely different topic… another Sam story. Last night we were over at the Holt’s house for dinner. (Megan.. I really DID like your mint brownies). It was a wonderful evening. Nathan and Max had fun comparing Nathan’s Military School  (4:30AM wake up 10PM lights out)  and Max’s Art School (12 noon wake 4:00 AM lights out most nights). Both were intense programs.. but the differences were pretty funny. ..  As we spoke I was fidgeting with the silverware as I always do  and built up a cool balanced sculpture of knives and glassware. We were all sitting around admiring my creation and talking about how well Sam lived his life. We were talking about how Sam without being greedy or spoiled  managed to get to do just about everything he ever wanted to try. At that point Gavin Holt started talking about his dirt bike and how much Sam really wanted to get one… Diane reminded me that was one place where we had drawn the line.. I explained that despite Sam’s pleading… we didn’t feel we had space on our small lot for a motor bike.  At that exact moment… my knife and glass sculpture that had been sitting balanced for 30 minutes fell over with a crash… OK Sam…. I hear you my son ..
    OK… today I try xmas shopping again… I’ll let you know how that goes.
Peace everyone…Peace Sam….

-jc

ps  my mom was on my case about my poor spelling. . ah..the joys of dyslexia I’ve found a way to spell check this blog ..  enjoy the new improved letter ordering !.