Myspace blog was out of commission this morning and I thought I might lose my mind. I’ve come to rely so much on writing a little each day.
    The last two days have been hard… things are pretty quiet at the house now and there are longer stretches of us being alone.
I did venture out out the house both days to try and do a little shopping for xmas. That was so very hard.. it’s really difficult for me to get excited about ‘things’.. this season.  We did have several sets of visitors today.This evening a bunch of folks  showed up annanounced which was wonderful. Jen brought chinese food and we had a table full of people again…  It seems likeour friends can sense when we need a little boost and show up… It’s really wonderful
    Last night I had some trouble staying asleep.. at about 3 I started to meditate as I do whenever I need to relax. My routine… or I guess it’s even my mantra… is to picture each person in my family and send them some love. The last few times I’ve tried to do that I’ve broken down each time I get to Sam… Last night I just tried to beam the same love to Sam that I always have.. and it felt so good.. I finding that when I’m most sad I’m usually thinking about what Sam’s death has done  to me and my family…. I’m mourning the future. I’ve said before.. I find that I’m faced with the decision every waking minute on whether I choose to surrender to deep sadness.. or try to go forward..  Now I’m finnding that I can sometimes (not always) redirect some of that energy into thinking about Sam.. and sending him love  in the present. When I can do that… it’s a much more postitive energy.   Where-ever Sam  is.. whatever he is now.. he probably can still use all of our love. Please try sending him some love tonight….
     On the topic of present-tense love…  DIane and I are leaving now to take Gabe to see Hatebreed and Killswitch Engage using a ticket Sam bought. Sam was so psyched to see these guys.. we just want to make an appearance… If you know their music.. you’ll know what a deep act of love it will be for us to go listen 🙂      So.. if you’re at the show and see an old guy in the mosh pit.. please give him a hug.. Make it snow please Sam !

-jc

Friends.. just heard two funny cooincindences involving Sam’s Name. Last night our friend Coco was reading a book called “Father Joe” that’s a bestseller in stores now… the story mentions  the legendary agent Sam Cohn.’.. If that’s not weird enough…. Our friend Alan Cambell is the manager of Memorial Auditorium where we held our Sam’s celibration of life. The monday after  Sam’s celebration Alan got a call from a guy named Sam Cohn (or Kohn ?) from Dartmouth Hitchkock hostpital  in New Hamshire who wanted to rent Memorial auditiorium…  It’s like there’s some sort of huge pattern out there that we can only see in glimpses…  Strange.. no ?
-jc

Sam’s been gone four weeks today. I’m learning that you really feel these milestones: the first hour, the first day, the first month since your loss.  A timeline for your grief shows you how far you’ve come. .. and how far you still need to go. It’s even hard for us to pick a date for Sam’s death… was it Monday the 20th when he was injured? Was it Tuesday the 21st when he was declared brain dead ?.. or was it Wed the 22nd when his organs were donated…. How do we calculate at all when we know/hope that his heart is still beating in someone’s chest….   Diane and I have been reading studies that show that organ recipients…  heart recipients in particular… often begin to display emotions and traits and preferences of their donors. I know it sounds far fetched.. but there is  evidence out there.. I smile thinking about a kid somewhere in Florida who’s suddenly developed a craving for Red Bull and hanging upside down.   
   On a related note: Diane, Max and I have been invited to got the MMU on Tuesday and Wednesday to talk to the health and PE classes about organ donation. The meetings occor annually and were scheduled long before Sam’s death. A great guy name Jim Carter goes into the classes to talk about seatbelt usage and organ donation. Jim’s daughter Andrea was killed near Browns River in 1990 while  a senior at MMU. Jim also brings in an organ recipient who talks about how someone’s tragedy saved his/her life. We’ve been invited to come in with Jim and talk about the donation decision with some of the  classes. The school is giving anyone the option for stepping out if the topic makes them uncomfortable.  We’re hoping the discussion prompts the students to go home and talk about organ and tissue donation with their families. We’ve learned that the most important thing is  that your family knows your wishes  I know this is a tough topic.. but I can tell you first hand…. there is no greater gift that a person can give or receive. Even though Sam won’t be with us for our christmas… his organs are giving four families christmases they would never have had.  This season please consider discussing the gift of life with your families.
     On a completely different topic… another Sam story. Last night we were over at the Holt’s house for dinner. (Megan.. I really DID like your mint brownies). It was a wonderful evening. Nathan and Max had fun comparing Nathan’s Military School  (4:30AM wake up 10PM lights out)  and Max’s Art School (12 noon wake 4:00 AM lights out most nights). Both were intense programs.. but the differences were pretty funny. ..  As we spoke I was fidgeting with the silverware as I always do  and built up a cool balanced sculpture of knives and glassware. We were all sitting around admiring my creation and talking about how well Sam lived his life. We were talking about how Sam without being greedy or spoiled  managed to get to do just about everything he ever wanted to try. At that point Gavin Holt started talking about his dirt bike and how much Sam really wanted to get one… Diane reminded me that was one place where we had drawn the line.. I explained that despite Sam’s pleading… we didn’t feel we had space on our small lot for a motor bike.  At that exact moment… my knife and glass sculpture that had been sitting balanced for 30 minutes fell over with a crash… OK Sam…. I hear you my son ..
    OK… today I try xmas shopping again… I’ll let you know how that goes.
Peace everyone…Peace Sam….

-jc

ps  my mom was on my case about my poor spelling. . ah..the joys of dyslexia I’ve found a way to spell check this blog ..  enjoy the new improved letter ordering !.

Outside matches my inside this morning…. grey and drizzly. I lay in bed for an hour this morning talking to Sam in my head, sending him love. I’m afrraid to ask him questions because I know I will not  hear a direct answer. I’ve never given much thought to the specifics of ‘what happens when you die’ before this. My own metaphysics have always been pretty vaque on the subject.. but I find I myself thinking all the time about where Sam ‘is’ now… I know for certain he’s not on some cloud somewhere wearing wings and strumming a harp… (do they even make electric harps ? ) … but I find it equally hard to accept that such a great, storng and joyful spirit would just ‘stop being’ even though that’s the simpilist.. but unsatisfying… explainiation that my science training gives me. My own religion (judiasm) teaches that you live on in the hearts of minds of those you touched and in the acts of charity you perfromed. In thta definition, Sam truly lives on…    But this idea of afterlife by proxy just doesnt’ do it for me. I know it sounds like  something you’d read in some New Age book, but my heart tells me that Sam’s spirit is now part of a much bigger conciousness that is made up of all the living energy in the unverse.. just like our own conciousnesses.   I’m also trying to make sense of all the wild coincidences that we and our friends are experienceing  around Sam’s  death… all of the electrcal oddities.. the red bull  stuff. Sometimes I think it’s  simply our hearts and minds not being able to let go of Sam.. ..Other times  it  makes me sure that its showing us that there IS something bigger out there. these cooincidences are glimpses into the bigger structure of things. It sure feels to me  like  it’s Sam exploring his new powers and his new limitations… All I know is that we all feel Sam’s spirit so strongly now.  … and whether that’s now a piece of us… or it’s an echo of somehting bigger  is a question we will never really have to answer.. or get to answer.  
     OK.. I need to switch back from the astral pane back to this one for a moment..   Last night we went to a really great pot-luck at the Kenny’s we had about 20 folks up there painitng Sam snowboard Xmas ornaments that we’re selling for the Sam Fund. As we pointed several folks talked to me about the stuff I’ve been writing in this blog.  I want you to know that writing this blog is turning out to be a *very* important way for me to begin my healing..    At this point there are between 400 and 600 folks reading it every day now which is sort of scary to me.  I was thinking about it last night..  the whole MySpace-like peer network and the whole idea of public blogs is such an amazing way for folks to work through big issues like Sam’s death  I don’t think there’s ever been a way for so many people to come together and share memories, feelings. and ideas. I want you all to know just how much I appreciate your comments on the stuff I write here in the blog.. the comments and messages  to my MySpace and even more for the comments  and messages you put on Sam’s MySpace. I think he  still reads them somehow. I have hacked Sam’s password.. (bwa-ha-ha) so that I can accept new friend requests for him, but we promise we will never read the private messages you all send him…. so keep those cards and letters coming.
    Today will be a good healing day.. we have a meeting with our councilor this morning and a meeting with our wonerful friend Barb Puritan later this afternoon.. then dinner at the Holts… The world is really trying to take care of us. We’re also going to try and get a christmas tree today and see how that feels .. more on that tomorrow.   Talk to you then.. Sam.. work on that snow !!!
-jc