It’s now the 2nd darkest night of the year.. and I can certainly feel it. I drove around most of the day doing holiday shopping in sort of a fog of remembering. It wasn’t as sad as it sounds. There are many happy memories in there.  As I looked for gifts, I found myself wondering what I’d be getting for Sam… I’ve been thinking about the things I will send him this year..: love, connection, appreciation, peace.. fun…. remembering.   We can all give each other gifts like that I find.

This is a season for remembering. Last Saturday there was a Remembrance service at All Children’s Hospital in Clearwater FL where Sam was after the accident. We couldn’t go.. but Parker’s Mom,  Stacy,  went for us. She helped us get a picture of Sam worked into the service and hung a memorial ornament on the tree there on our behalf. Stacy said that it was a beautiful and powerful service remembering about 100 kids who’d died in the hospital in the last couple of years. I can feel the emotion in the room even though I wasn’t present.  I was glad that Stacy was there for us and for herself.

About  two weeks ago Compassionate Friends organized a a worldwide candle lighting as a  remembrance of kids who have died. On that same evening, a few folks form our community participated in a remembrance service at a church in Underhill. Our good friend Gretchen wrote a poem to read at the service. Gretchen’s sister Stephanie died more than 20 years ago when both she and Gretchen were in high school . I just caught up with Gretchen and got her permission to share it here..

Beth met me at the door.. as soon as she did I knew I had done the right thing by coming. I spent a few hours over there talking and listening to Tom, Beth and the rest  of the family.   We talked about Kate and her life. I remember her as a bright funny and vivacious kid. Her dad and I once fired her FoxTail catch toy a few hundred yards up into Robbin’s mountain using a 20 foot long air cannon.. That was at Dian and my 10th anniversary in 1996.. that would have made Kate 10 years old.

Tom, Beth  and I couldn’t figure out how long we’d known each other..   We think we’ve known each other for about 20 years. Our lives have always run this intertwined parallel course with interests, mutual friends.. and now this..

It hurts me to think what my friends are going through today… and forever.. I know this dance.. and I would never wish it on anyone.

I also know the power of friends and family in healing and the strength that comes from that..  I will be there for them as so many friends have been there for me.

I could remember so clearly that fog I was in in those few days following Sam’s death. I remember how much I realized on the love and strength of others then.. I new exactly the role I had to play tonight.. which was nothing.. I knew there was not much I could say or do.   just listen, hold, hug.. and listen some more.

There will be visiting hours on Friday night 7-9 at Ready Funeral home on Shelborn road then a Celebration of Kate’s life at Good Shepard Lutheran Church on Saturday. The times will be in the Free Press tomorrow.

Thanks for the guidance tonight Sam.. You were with me.. I know.. Gnite all
-me

Very busy day. I had calls starting mid morning.. but I managed to get out for a quick snowshoe.. it was Beautiful… and very cold.. below zero.. even Chai wouldn’t go out with me. I made it back just in time for my first call.. then stayed on the phone until about noon. I then took an extended lunch to go to Chris’s stone workshop to finish the Christmas project I was working on. Chris  and his wife Kim have been so generous with their time and talent helping me. My task today was to finish the setup for the sandblasting masking. It was mindless and careful work.. Sort of a working meditation .

The hardest part was peeling off the letters in a way that didn’t distory them too much. I liked handling my son’s name that many times.

Chris had baught soem new 120 grade carbide grit  and finer nozzel just for this project.. he had to suit up first to blow the 60 grade grit he normall uses on stone out of the tool.. The suit is pretty cool..  He looks like a deep see diver or soemthing.. It’s not bad at 10 degrees.. I can imagine it’s a bear to wear at 80.

Chris cleared the plumbing then he helped me get into the suit.. It was pretty cool.. Fresh air is blown into the hood while razer sharp grit is bouncing off everything around you… It’s amazing how fast this stuff cuts anything hard, rock, glass, steel.. but it’s pretty harmless to anything soft like rubber or skin..   ere I am taking my first tentative blasts..

I quickly got the hang of it and finished all the thingy’s in just a few minutes..  I couldn’t see that great inside the suit.  Judging by the color of the snow in this pictures, I think I had the grit turned up too high.

The ‘objects’ came out perfect.. nearly every one of them came out OK !
I don’t want to show them here, because some of them are going to be gifts.  So .. nah-nah-nah-na-goo-goo.

I got home from Chris’s with just 2 min to spare for my 2PM call. I spent the rest of the working day in calls.. Then headed off with Diane and Gabe to South Burlington for a Rushford’s appt.. I snuck in a  bit of xmas shopping then met up With Gabe as Diane went off to shop.   Gabe and I had some shopping errands too. First stop was Talent.. mostly just to ogle Hannah’s belly.. I’m betting that baby comes tomorrow !

Hannah’s folks were up from Austin.. so I had a good time talking to them. Her dad Mike and I overlapped at IBM for many years.. but miraculously never met.. (which is really weird considering all the folks we both knew)

I always like seeing the Sam presence in Hannah and Dave’s shop.. They’ve been such good friends to us.

From there Gabe and I did a bit more shopping then ended up at Bridge Street for dinner.. We saw a bunch of friends there… By the time dinner was over, though.. I was starting to feel pretty lousy (sore throat and fever.. again !). Diane had something like this lat last week.. ugh. You know, I think our bodies know the calendar… and are working through stuff even as our hearts and minds do..

I got home as fast as I could.. put on every sweater and vest I could find.. flopped down on the couch and covered up with a blanket.. (and I’m still there)..

As I lay there I was helping Gabe with is history homework/studying.. They are doing a unit on the Aztecs, Mayans and Inca’s and the Conquistadors.. Gabe was asking me about a bunch of Cortez related stuff (‘who was dona maria ?’, ‘what was the royal fifth ?’, who was quetzalcoatl ?’.. I said.. ‘there’s a great Neal Young song called ‘Cortez the Killer’ all about that. and started my horrible Neal Young Falsetto impersonation…

and….. a few minutes after that…
 

You’d have to know our stupid  Musicmatch program to know just how weird this was.. there are hundreds of stations.. most of them obscure. We were listening to one on ‘Guitar Gods’ . This particular Neal Young cut is pretty obscure.. it was from 1975.. and it was banned in Spain because it offended Franco..   Gabe thought that was pretty weird.. To me.. it was another amazing coincidence.

Cortez The Killer by Neil Young 1975  (listen here)
——–
He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
In that palace in the sun.

On the shore lay Montezuma
With his coca leaves and pearls
In his halls he often wondered
With the secrets of the worlds.

And his subjects gathered ’round him
Like the leaves around a tree
In their clothes of many colors
For the angry gods to see.

And the women all were beautiful
And the men stood straight and strong
They offered life in sacrifice
So that others could go on.

Hate was just a legend
And war was never known
The people worked together
And they lifted many stones.

They carried them to the flatlands
And they died along the way
But they built up with their bare hands
What we still can’t do today.

And I know she’s living there
And she loves me to this day
I still can’t remember when
Or how I lost my way.

He came dancing across the water
Cortez, Cortez
What a killer.

Here’s an old  video of neal young playing he song.. he’s in his 60’s now.

OK.. all for today.. more tomorrow. Goodnight all. Goodnight Sam. thanks for the tunes.
-me

I felt really out of it today.. out of… what ? Spirit maybe.. energy… ?  Will ? .. I don’t know but I had a very hard time getting myself to move through the day.. Outside it was snowy and beautiful.. inside I was pretty low and muted.. Maybe too much sleep ?
    I had a busy day up through about 3.. back to back phone calls..each one reminding me how much end of year stuff I hadn’t quite gotten around to finishing.   I was hoping not to be working this week.. but it doesn’t look like that’s going to work.  Around 3  I took off for an hour and a half to go to my friend Chris’s and work on the glass SamStones I’m trying to make. Chris’s wife kim had cut out some sandblasting stencils for me in the same font as the standard SamStones.   I am putting them on glass nuggets I found .. The idea is to sandblast Sam’s name into the glass. with any luck I’ll be able to get them etched tomorrow.  Placing the stencils and peeling off the letters is slow tedious work.. but it felt good to be handling all that Sam stuff.

Around 4:30 I had to head back into Burlington for a meeting with the team at Champlain.. I learned just as I was getting into town that most of the students would be unavailable due to changes in their finals schedule cased by the snow storm.. I took advantage of that to have a meeting just with Ray and Ann.. the advisers to the project..  I’m really enjoying working with the folks at Champlain…

Just as I was abut to leave, I got a call from Max… the Subaru had sputtered and stopped somewhere in Williston. Off I went on a rescue mission. Both Max’s and Jessie’s cell batteries were nearly dead. I got three calls from Max of the form.. “The car died.. we’re in Williston… just past the …… ” … “Dad… we’re just past the first turn beyond the…..”   I ended up driving up and down route 2 until I spotted them on a side street.

They were cold and tired.. so they got into my car to stay warm and wait for the tow truck

We waited and waited.. after about 45 minutes we gave up and went to Mexicali.  to wait for the tow truck to call. . Diane and Gabe met us there for a late dinner.

My friend Aaron was the hostess on duty tonight.. she was one of my jolts and volts science show helpers back when she was about 11   (12 years ago) … Her mom runs Bead Crazy,. her dad collects firetrucks.. and she can make things catch on fire with her mind.. A pretty cool family in my book

We finally got home after 9.. recycling had to go out, wood had to come in, the fire built up.. I went through the motions, exhausted.. I couldn’t wait to fall into bed.. I still had this cloud over me.. I decided to go spend a few minutes in Sam’s room playing guitar.. that’s what I needed… about 10 minutes of just being in there.. and getting back in touch with my feelings is what I really needed for this day.. and it took me all day to figure that out…

I’ll try to remember that earlier next time.. All for now.. G’nite all.. G’nite Sam
-me