I just looked up and realized that I was only a few minutes away from missing a day of blogging…. something I have not done since the day after Sam died. This is a habit I do not want to break.. I realize that I’ve picked up several new habits since Sam died. Like everyone in my family, I where a button with Sam’s picture on it all the time…. except when I’m in the shower or in bed.   Every time I think of Sam I make it a habit to touch the button .. I find myself doing it all the time and it gives me great comfort. I also talk to Sam every time I look in the mirror and see his face on the button… or anytime I see a picture of him.  Anther nice habit. I also find myself talking to him whenever I’m in the shower or driving a car as well as at my  first moment of consciousness when I wake up. I talk to him when I run every day.. and make a point of standing for  few minutes at the midpoint of my run to look up and talk to him.  As I write this, I realize that I’m building a set of habits to replace the many repetitive (compulsive)  habits (e.g. filling a glass 3 times before drinking, knocking on my headboard before falling asleep, etc) I always had before to bring me good luck… .I think this is a good trade because I can’t really say the ‘good luck’ stuff worked. …
   On that topic.. I was just talking to a friend who told me about a guy he knows who completely ‘unraveled’ after the loss of his child  . I’ve been thinking of that all day.. am I unraveling ? Am I going to ? Parts of me have certainly unwound some since Sam died. but I don’t think I’m getting worse. Will I in the months to come.?  Right now I feel like  I’m getting a little more balanced  most every day .. though I also have days when I feel I’m going backwards. When Diane, Gabe and I were out in the world today (University Mall, Talent).. I was noticing how much  more ‘clear’ I felt thank the last time I was at all these places right before Christmas. For example.. we went to Talent today to buy Gabe some clothes and see Hannah, Dave and Adah.. this time it felt like going home. Those guys are so wonderful Last time I was there was for Sam’s Skate benefit in mid December. That was really a wonderful event .. yet it all seems like a dream in my memory.  The days before that.. like the week of the memorial service..  are even more surreal and blurred in my mind.   The strange thing is that I remember at the time feeling pretty ‘together’. What will it be like looking back at ‘now’ months or years in the future ?  Will I remember this a the time we started to move forward and heal… or will I still remember this time as being confused and unreal ? Will I remember this as a point when the worst was behind us or still ahead of us ?.. More importantly.. do we have any control of that ? I want to believe that the answer is yes. and I’m going to count on that for now.. I’ll need all of your help if I’m going to make that so for me and my family.. Sam.. we need your help too. We love you !
-jc..   
ps. I’m finding that music is a great healing path for me. In the car today we were listening to ‘if I ever leave this world alive’ by Flogging Molly. Max sung it at Sam’s memorial.. great words.. Check it out

 Flogging Molly – If I Ever Leave This World Alive Lyrics
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you’ll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I’ll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don’t shed a tear
I’ll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
She says I’m okay; I’m alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be all right

pss. I just reposted this after running a spell checker…  is that cheating ?

Friends…
   Ivy just sent me this great picture of Sam holding Ivy’s dog Stella… They’re both so cute… Thanks Ivy !
-jc

The trip to Tucson turned out to be a very good way to ease back into work. Both days I was surrounded by caring and supportive people.  During the days I was looked after by my 20 or so colleagues from the IBM  Academy Technology Council. I’ve traveled all over the globe with these folks for the past 2 years.. I consider many of them close friends.  By night , my dear friends Chris and Wendy took great  care of me. 

Yesterday’s meeting was pretty uneventful. At one point in the day my fiend Steve and I skipped out of the meeting for an hour Steve’s wife, Helen, died in October after a short battle with cancer. The two of us went outside for a long walk while talking about Sam and Helen, life after loss, how friends and relatives have reacted, strange things people do and say, etc.. We walked out into the desert again and I showed him where I’d written Sam’s name with rocks.. It was good talking to him…  When we got back, I found that my friend Ken had left me an envelope with pictures of his sister Sandy who died when she was in her 20’s  along with a poem that their father  had written about losing a child. It was very sweet and sad..  The meeting broke up around 6:30 and I headed back to Chris and Wendy’s . I felt buoyed up by the day. I’d been busy, modestly effective at work and surrounded by caring friends. On the way there I called home because I was missing my family. I could tell that the mood in the house was pretty low…Nothing special was up.. Things sometimes get quiet and a little sad in the evening. It was hard being so far away and knowing that there wasn’t anything I could do to help anyone feel any better. It’s not always easy buoying each other up when we’re all in the same place.. but it’s impossible over the phone.  It made me sad again and  made me realize that I’m just not ready to start traveling frequently. By the time  I got to Chris and Wendy’s I was feeling pretty blue. Chris’s daughter Toni was there.. and the four of us when to a great Gutemalan/Mayan restaurant for an early dinner then came back to the house to talk. We started listening to the music and slideshows from Sam’s Memorial service. The  two days of bottling up my emotions had taken its toll Before I knew it, my knees buckled and I was sobbing with my head on the table. I must have been like that for 20 minutes…. I know it’s hard ot believe.. but it felt great to get it out. When I was done I felt close to Sam and at peace and ready to travel. Around 10:30 PM I said goodbye to Chris and Wendy and headed to the airport. 

  The hardest part of this trip was traveling alone there and back. They may ask to weigh and x-ray your luggage.. but they never ask to weigh your heart or look inside it.    I’ve been trying to think of a way to describe how it feel carrying Sam and Sam’s loss around with me. It’s. It’s a very physical sensation. All of my feeling around Sam is centered just about 6 inches in front of my heart. Not in my chest, but in fron t of it. The closest thing I remember to the same sensation is when I would carry each of my sons in one of those baby packs you where on your chest. It’s biiter sweet reminder of carrying Sam as a little baby.  Like carrying a real baby, it’s exhausting work after awhile. I can’t put him down… I don’t want to.

   Remarkably, I slept well on the overnight flight. Max and his visiting friends picked me up at the airport around 11AM and brought me home. It was so good stepping back into the house and seeing Diane and the kids. This still feels like our home.. and this still is very much like our family. I love them all so much..  I better go find them before they all go to bed. Good night Sam !

-js

ps. While I was listening to the songs form the memorial I looked up the lyrics to Keepsake from State Radio . It sthe song that Jane and Avery sang so beautifully at Sam’s memorial.. The words reminded me of coming home. (did I already post this ? )

Keepsake by State Radio – sung by Jane Kier and Avery Lavoie

 One gonna heal my body another gonna heal my pain

One gonna settle me down then bring me back up again

 I‘m gonna put my family back together again

 One gonna hold my woman another gonna hold my job

One gonna help me get up, another gonna help me stop

 One gonna help me talk right, one gonna lay me down to sleep

 (Humming)

 One gonna hold my thoughts and another gonna hold my bones

 One gonna keep me warm and another gonna keep me cold

 One gonna bring religon, right from a Coleman stove

 One gonna help me keep em‘ another gonna help me tame

 One gonna run me down (Hell a bullets in my way)

 You‘re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

 (humming)

 I‘m gonna buckle my belt around the ceiling pipe

 I‘m gonna buckle my knees and I‘m gonna lock em‘ up tight

 I‘m gonna hold a pen while you drag my arm across the page

 One gonna hold my memories another gonna close the door

 One gonna leave me restless another wanting more

 You‘re gonna keep my soul it was yours to have long ago

 (Humming)

  I’m still in Tucson.   I woke early and called home and spoke with Max. He told me that there was a good dumping of snow back at home.  I hpe it sticks. Max is starting his two  classes at Champlain today. I hope it goes well for him. I’m really missing my family out here.
   Last night was pretty peaceful. My meeting broke up at about 5:30 which gave me an hour before my next round of meetings. The sun was setting over the mountains as I drove away from the IBM site. I pulled the car over and walked into the desert a few hundred yards..,, you didn’t have to go far until you could no longer see anything man-made.  The desert was so very beautiful. The ground was covered with dry gravel and sand . The plants were an other-worldly mix of various types of cactus, dry brush and stunted trees. The wind blowing through the dry ground cover made  it sound like a movie western. I gathered up a small pile of white rocks and used them to write Sam’s name on the ground.  I sat there thinking about Sam until the stars came out.. I then walked back to the car and went off to my next meeting.

    The work part of our dinner meeting was pretty brief.  We quickly moved on to personal talk. My table had a really amazing emotional mix. We talked a lot about Sam. A couple of my friends from the Tucson site, Glenn and Ken, had not yet heard of Sam’s death.. so I had to tell them. I find that to be the hardest thing to do.   I learned that my friend Ken from Tucson  had lost a 23 year old sister to an aneurism when he was in his young 30’s , We talked about how he and his parents handled grief and healing. He told me how his sister’s death profoundly changed his parents. It’s hard for me to hear that I will probably always be diminished. .. but maybe that’s the way it will be.    My friend Steve was at the other end of the table Steve lost his wife in October from a fast-onset cancer.  Steve told me that he’d been writing short fiction for several years. Since his wife’s death he’s been writing short pieces about the experience. Last night he sent me some of his writing.. it was very powerful. One piece was on the topic of how he answers the ‘how are you?’ question. Steve and I are going to grab some time and talk more about ‘how we’re doing’ later today. Also at our table were my friends the Rothwells from Canada.  I learned last night that Judy Rothwell is a Reiki master  (and lively spirit) . We spent some time talking about Reiki. Despite some of my initial skepticism… my Reiki session with Marci last week really seems to have helped me find a better emotional balance.  My friend Carolyn from NY/Australia was also sitting at the table. She told us all the story of her near-death experience four years ago when she went into spontaneous cardiac arrest.   Medics did CPR on her for 14 minutes before reviving her.. she then later arrested and was revived again in the hospital.  She was on life support in a deep coma for four days. Her husband made them take her off the respirator to see if she could breath.. and she did. She went on to full recovery and now has an implanted ICD defibrillator  to prevent this from happening again. It’s so cool to hear Carolyn hear about the peace she had during her near death experience. She was surrounded by light and angles.  The experience changed her life. She says that she no longer fears death and realizes that there’s something ‘more’ out there. Carolyn wrote Diane and I a long letter after Sam died which described her experience. I’d like to get the three of us together to talk about it more. It’s very comforting for us to hear.    Carolyn’s husband is actually writing a book about her experience.. and is currently looking for a publisher.

   My good friend Lori from Austin was also at our table. Lori was telling me that Sam’s death really. Affected her relationship with her own son. She also told me that she’s named a tree in her back yard after Sam. It had brilliant fall leaves on it the day she heard about his accident…  Sadly, Lori also told me that a friend of hers son was just killed 2 weeks ago in a freak BB gun accident. Lori is going to send me the mom’s name, 
     As dinner was winding down, my boss’s boss Vijay showed up at dinner. Vijay was one of the IBM exec’s that flew up for Sam’s visitation hours at our house. He was in town for a completely different set of meetings so it was a pretty unlikely meeting.. Vijay was really supportive.. he told me that Sam’s death has affected many folks in our organization .. and that folks are talking more about work life balance. Making family time, etc.   Vijay also encouraged me to really take it easy and take whatever time I need in my path back to work.. You can’t ask for a better message from your boss. I’ll never forget how supportive my management has been.  
    We broke up at about 10PM.. I went back to Chris and Wendy’s and spent some nice time with them . One of the things that came up was the Buddhist parable of the ‘mustard seed’  that I posted a few days back. Wendy used to be a nun (!) and she told me the very different Christian parable of the mustard seed . Our friend Gretchen also brought this up last week. Her sister Stephanie used to wear a mustard seed in a necklace before she died

 Jesus  said therefore: “What is the Kingdom of God like? And to what shall I compare it? It is like a mustard seed that someone took and sowed in the garden; it grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air made nests in its branches. “ (Luke 13:18-19)

     Interesting how the same symbol has such different meaning.  Well.. speaking of mustard.. it’s lunch time out here. Gotta run.  I’m on my way home tonight . Eager to see everybody. Fly with me Sam..

-jc

ps. Here’s a snap of me and a new friend