Still sick.. Fever.. Sore throat.. Thick head.. That on top of the general fog that we all live in since Sam’s death .. and my built-in spaciness.has me running at about 10 %. .of normal consciousness. Being so zoned out has a helpful anesthetic aspect. .. unless of I have something that must get done. … like work I spent the day in telephone calls trying to catch up with everything that’s been happening at IBM in the past 6 weeks. Whatever I do, I find myself only absorbing about half of what I hear. I hope it’s just because I’m feeling sick.
In the middle of my work day I finally started going through the many emails I received in response to Sam’s death. It was so nice.. And so, so hard reading all of the heartfelt sadness and good wishes from my work and other email friends .There were hundreds of notes.. Some were 1-2 lines.. Others were pages. By the time I got to the end of the list I was basically lying in a heap on the counter. So much love.. So much sadness. While looking through the mail, I also found some of my speaking notes from Sam’s celebration. I am getting the feeling that I’m not doing enough to make good on the promise I made myself up on stage at Memorial that night.. I wrote that day ” I’m going to choose every day to honor Sam’s memory. To move forward, not backward. To do something good for the world. I’m going to try to take his (Sam’s) passion into my own life and become a better person for it” Today I feel more like I’m being swept along and not getting to chose anything. I feel like I need to find a place to stand solidly before I can start moving forward… and I’ve yet to find/build that solid place. I’m going to make some time to meditate on that over the next few days/
Right now I’m going to crawl into bed with a hot cup of tea.. Sorry for such a short post this evening. I’ll pad it by including a beautiful poem that our good friend Avery wrote about Sam… This is for you Sam.
-jc
For Sam and his Family by Avery
With everyday a tougher grasp
With every thought a deeper laugh
A grieving cry
Every smile and every tear tried to comprehend
The boy sent away over mists in the wind
The exploding spirit
His face laughed away with the wind
Apart of ground, apart of us.
The lives he knew
The hands he grasped
The hearts he filled with endless joy
We’ll keep his mind and soul complete
With every laugh and every cry
Will think you, and the boy
How happiness was pulled from the deepest of dark
How sadness flowed from the corners of the earth
Every mind just one thought
Keeping one spirit alive
Every time we see the people
The ones who keep his soul alive
We think of him and all his greatness
How awesome their minds will heal
A new time,
The door that closed lead to the open window
The minds that ached are beginning to see, healing and joy
We all bring to you the bliss and enjoyment he brought to all
We’ll keep his flame aglow
With every thought, we think of you
With every gift, we smile
And everyday the world one less
We’ll think of him, and know
That all the people in his life and all his greatest feats
Will keep the one, that’s sent away
One completely whole
PS. I jacked up the font size on the blog so I can write without glasses. Hope that’s OK for everyone