I can’t believe it… but I’m still sick. I usually blow through these kind of bugs in a day or two, but I think my resistance is down.  I’m taking some sort of over the counter cold meds and it’s got me so zoned out that I can hardly think. I’m sitting here at 4PM trying to recall what if anything I accomplished today. I had several work calls, but I’m hard pressed to remember a single factoid from any of them. One interesting think to note, I have cried less today (so far )than any day since Sam died. I attribute that to being in a drug and disease induced walking coma.  Again, the anesthetic value of being zoned out is a ‘nice’ side benefit of being sick..  OK.. I guess there are limits to looking for gifts in bad luck.
   As I’ve been sitting here writing two friends have come by bringing food First  friend Deb with her killer macaroni and cheese… (I mean this stuff is so good there’s a black market for it. ) Then friend Sue with matzo ball soup and chocolate !..  Both had been reading this blog and told me they felt sorry for me that I was sick. It’s so very strange when someone tells me that they’re reading what I write here.  Writing  this is  such a powerful way to work through some of the things that my family and I are facing around Sam’s death. I hope it isn’t  taken as whining… I.e. I’m so sad.. I’m so sick, etc.   Whatever… I really appreciate the food and the company this evening.
     One of the other projects for today was to help Max figure out what he’s going to do next semester. The plan always has been for him to return to Pratt in Brooklyn for Spring semester to finish off  the coursework he missed after Sam died.  As the Jan 15 start date for Spring at Pratt got closer, none of us felt really comfortable with  the idea of Max going back down to NY by himself. All of us still have daily breakdowns where we need each other for comfort.. Even at our best emotional times we’re working at diminished intellectual capacity due to the ‘fog of grief” … which is the way one of the books put it. Over the last few days we’ve been trying to figure out options that  would allow Max to keep making progress in college.. and also allow him time to heal. Today he decided (and we agreed) that he’s going to take his spring semester here in VT then return to Pratt in the Fall. While he’s here he’s going to take 2 classes at Champlain College and finish off his incomplete work from Pratt,.  He’ll then transfer this course work to Pratt when he goes back in the Fall. We’ll make it work for him to get to Pratt 3-4 times to see friends and use their editing, darkrooms, etc that he’ll need to make up his incompletes.. The Deans at Pratt (Student Affairs and Liberal Studies) and the folks at Champlain have been amazingly helpful and accommodating as Max tries to  figure out a plan that would work.   I’m really happy that Max has decided on this ‘take it slow’ path… I’ve heard several  stories form other grief survivors who jumped back into their lives too quickly.. and paid for it later. I don’t think he’ll ever regret taking this extra time to heal… I hope..
It’s so tough being a parent under ay circumstances. Under our current circumstances it’s even harder. …  I just want my kids to be happy .. All three of them.
    Which reminds me.. Both food bringing friends tonight had interesting Sam-ish stories to tell. Sam’s  friend Sawyer came by with his macaroni toting Mom this evening.. He told me that a few days ago they were driving towards Bolton on the freeway in the afternoon.. It was still somewhat light.. All of a sudden he saw an intense white light hovering over Bolton. The light didn’t appear to come from anywhere A few seconds later it was gone… Our friend Sue told us that tat she saw a green and purple light enveloping the left half of the moon during the fireworks at Bolton on New Years Eve. It was the same purple and green light that she’d seen wafting out of the left side of an air vent at the gym a few weeks back. As she saw it she was thinking about Sam…and she’s a skeptic she says.   weird but true.
   Well.. One more night and I think I will have cracked this bug. I plan on feeling better tomorrow…   Actually .. That’s like saying I plan on being happy tomorrow. We’ll see. G’nite Sam… bummer about the rain
-jc