Not much to report today..  I’ve received several notes and calls based on the low  tone of my last few posts.   It was really touching that so many folks cared enough to check in on me/us.   It’s funny when that kind of thing happens. I know it sounds weird .. but I’m always surprised when someone reacts to what I write here.. (OK.. everyone walk out side now and quack like a duck !)   At some level I know that there are folks out there reading this  but at the same time I don’t really want to think about what people will make of what I put here. If I thought about it much, I might get too freaked out to write at all . .    I actually got a little self conscious today that I might be bringing people down too much…I know Ive said this before..    but I suppose folks can stop reading whenever they like.. I just can’t stop writing. 

 My intention is to record as much of my thinking as I can get down every day for.. for what ?  Posterity ?  my own future reference.. I don’t know . I spend a good deal of time thinking about my intentions. What do I want from he balance of my life now that Sam has passed ?   I was talking to one of the interns at work about this  today.. I don’t think I ever really gave much thought to my own intentions.. In fact, I don’t think many people do.. I’ve always had goals.. but not so much day to day  purposeful intentions.. Here are my current intentions… in rough priority order

• Have a loving and supportive relationship with my kids
• Have a loving and supportive relationship with Diane
• Find ways to honor Sam’s memory and spirit
• Have a loving and supportive relationship with my parents and extended family
• Enjoy robust good health
• Have meaningful work that is both fun and helps others
• Have some measure of peace and ease in my life

What are yours ?

Love you all.. love you Sam

-me

Ps. The folks at Carnegie Mellon University wrote a really nice article about  my educations outreach stuff,,, It’s on the front of their webpage today.  Later, the link will be here. I really ike this one because it points folks to the CMU outreach activities  where they can get personally involved

Sam left us nine months ago tonight. Nine months .. the same time it took for him to grow inside Diane.  What a beautiful baby he was.. He’ll always be my beautiful baby.

 
 It was such a beautiful evening tonight  that  Diane, Max, Gabe, Trevor, Chai and I went and had a picnic in the park.

We ate  sandwiches from Bridge street   then held hands and thought of Sam as we launched another hot air balloon. 

We then hung around and tossed a Frisbee until it got dark. We brought out one special firework tonight.. a ‘happy lantern’ which is a family favorite. It put a nice end to a tough day. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

We love you Sam

-Mom, Dad, Max, Gabe and Chai

Redoxmorphic…… that was just the way I felt this morning when I woke up,    Gabe, Trevor and I had camped out on the trampoline last night under the stars (and shooting stars) .. it was beautiful and pretty cold (42 this morning !)..    Just after I awoke, Barb. Justin and Bill A. showed up with a backhoe to do some soil profiles on our broken septic leach field. Our 9 months of mourning, entertaining and housing has caused our system to crap out.. so to speak. From what I heard  from Justin and Barb.. there’s some hope that we can install a new system without too much hassle.. because the soil is not too redoxymoprhic.. whatever that means.. I’ll take it…  I did manage to toss a SamStone into the test trenches.. i even climbed down in them to get a worms eye view of my yard. Pretty wierd.

The funny thing is that Gabe and Trevor managed to keep sleeping peacefully as Bill dug two 5 foot trenches in the yard with his handsome but none-too-quiet backhoe.  

Sleeping outside was the perfect thing to do last night. I’d been in a really down mood for the past week. Last night we ended up having an impromptu spaghetti dinner for a bunch of kids at the house..

we then went out back and launched another of the hot air balloons. This one went up beautifully.. then gave us quite a scare when  it almost landed on the barn roof. Miraculously it missed the barn and came down between the barn and the house where we caught it intact. We all then piled in the car with some fireworks and motored up to Bolton for a brief end-of-Voices-movie salute.. I re-launched the hot air balloon after writing Sam’s name all over it and it sailed off into the distance.. They really are spectacular.. as were the fireworks we bought at Hooksett Fireworks. There is simply no better way to mark or celebrate  something than shooting off fireworks. 

Max stayed up at the crew party until the wee hours.. He and Josh drove away  with burning fireworks taped to boat rack… I heard it was pretty cool to see.

Today was much, much quieter.. all the voices folks except Travis  are gone. Max is getting ready to go back to school.. and I’m wondering around pretty lost. I did manage to get some good stuff done at work..  but I’m so distracted and .. well.. sad.    I ran into the lunch room around 1 today to grab a quick salad and my friend V   the lunch guru stopped me and told me that she could tell by my eyes that I am  lost.

My pride  flared and I began to tell her.. ‘no.. I’m OK’.. then I realized.. no.. I’m NOT ok.. I’m about as far from OK as a person can be and still be walking around Something in me keeps telling me that I’m supposed to  be getting stronger.. better… whatever.    V came  over to give me a hug and I just broke down in the lunch line.. pretty weird.   What is it about me that makes me want to reassure everyone that I’m coping ok ? 

(ps.. that’s a ‘coping’ saw.. please forgive the visual pun )

OK.. gotta sleep now.. more tomorrow.

Gnite all, gnite Sam

-me

Ps. I saw this wierd movie title in the movie rental place..

pss. Beutiful sunset tonight !

I’m stealing a few minutes in late afternoon to get my entry for today written.  I’m in the tower with a towel over my head to block the bright sunlight so I can type.

 Tonight we’re having some folks over for dinner then going up to Bolton to set off some (legal) fireworks to mark the end of the Voices movie filming.   It feels  important for me  to mark the end of the movie.. the coming end of summer.. the beginning of school.. Max’s return to college. Everything seems so much more significant and weighty. Weighty is the right word.. nothing feels light anymore. It’s hard to describe.. even sitting outside n a beautiful day like  we had yesterday and today.. my heart is heavy… I can enjoy but not  in-joy..   if that makes any sense. I think that’s how it will be for a long time.. maybe forever. It’s very, very hard to get used to..  I’m hoping  this feeling will evolve into something more livable over time..

I was thinking of this a little when I saw the big caterpillar on our hike yesterday. Here he is again.

Diane did some sleuth work and discovered that she was a  Cecropia caterpillar on her way to being a giant Cecropia Moth .

 just like the one we saw on David K’s porch in the spring. . It’s the largest moth in North America. We learned something magical about caterpillars at the Deepak Chopra talk last weekend. He told us about new thinking regarding the cell workings behind the metamorphosis of caterpillars into butterflies or moths. Evidently   there are special cells called ‘imaginal’ cells in the caterpillar’s body that are ignored  until the caterpillar approaches the end of it’s caterpillar-y life. At that point the imaginal cells start to reproduce. At first they are attacked by the caterpillar’s immune system. But they soon grow so quickly that they overtake the failing immune system and start combining to form larger structures.. As the metamorphic process progresses, the new cells metabolize the old parts of the caterpillar to produce completely  new parts of the moth or butterfly.. i.e. the nervous system of the butterfly has no relation to the nervous system of the caterpillar..   Chopra (and many others) use this as an analogy for social change. I.e.  how a few people with strong ideals  can change the world.  Here’s one of those ‘social change’ analogies And here’s a scientific one if you prefer..  

I look at it as a very cool  parable for reemergence and rebirth .

I really have been feeling blue the last week. I’m finding it much harder to focus on anything but Sam and my family. I know there are many changes happening now.. and I guess I’ll work my way through them. One thing that always helps me when I’m feeling this is making things…   Last night Max, Jessie, Travis and  I started experimenting with hot air balloons. My mom saw someone launch some down at the Cape.. and I decided to try some myself. The basic idea is pretty simple.. You create a large balloon structure out of something very light such as tissue paper or a plastic garment bag.. then you suspend a  source of heat.. like an alcohol soaked cotton ball… underneath the balloon to heat the air. If the air is cool and still the balloon will slowly rise into the air carrying the flame with it.. it’s a magical effect. Supposedly, it will not come down until the fuel is exhausted.. but I still would only recommend doing this over water.. or at least after a heavy rain.   Last night the four of us experimented with different design styles.

Jessie and I made a box out of 5 pieces of tissue paper glue sticked together.

Max made a cool cylinder with a nifty aluminum foil burner suspended from it.

Travis made a nice three sided pyramid..

We went out side and tried them in the cool damp air last night.. In the end.. only the bx one worked.. the cylinder proved to be a bit too heavy.. and the pyramid caught fire (rather spectacularly) .

The box managed to lift off and slowly rose into the air until it was nearly out of sight over Robbins Mountain. We saw it start to land as the flame went out.. It was truly magical..  Here’s a movie of it rising.. but it was too dark to see much. Note at the end of the movie is another new invention of Max and mine.. this is a potatoe gun with soem steel wool attached to the potatoe.. The burning steel wool makes a trail of sparks.. Again.. do this only over water or pavement. pretty cool.

Maybe we’ll try some more tonight. We’ve been experimenting with a few new designs today.. I’ll keep you posted…

OK.. I gotta head downstairs now.. more tomorrow.

Bye all.. Bye Sam..

-me