Monthly Archives: May 2014

Wednesday night – hitting me

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My dad is gone

Its really started hitting me today.. Sevrral times today ive had to tell people that Dad died last sunday.. Then .. Then i catch myself asking myself what did i just say ?!? I tried to work today but really couldnt get my teeth into it.. I just feel like sleeping..

I was driving home tonight and saw dads cell phone number on my phone.. I called it to see what would happen.. Maybe hear his voice.. Maybe even leave him a message …. Bu,his voice mail had never been set up… It was the recorded voice.. No messages could be left

Here .. You all try (508) 596-7336

Maybe if we all try we will get through


Dads memorial service is at 2pm on Friday at Temple Beth Elohim. I gotta think about what im going to say.. How do you sum up a guy like that ?


Ok.. My head is going to explode.. Gotta sleep

Nite all, nite sam

-me

Monday night – Letters from Dad

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Last night Mary reminded us that Dad had once said that he’d written letters to us in the event that he ever died or was incapacitated. That sounded familiar, so we began to root around in the boxes of papers in my folks house. We came across some really cool stuff, high school pictures,  my parents first budger from 1957 ($43/month for food and transportation for my Mom  !) letters from my grandparents,  love letters from my mom to my dad and from my dad to my mom.. a journal from Dad’s time in the Navy, lots of old pictures, some Navy Medals, newspaper articles,etc.. but no letters..   Eventually we gave up and went out for Mexican food. By 9 o’clock we were all so exhausted that we drifted off to bed..

This morning, Billy woke up and ran off to the airport..Mom,  Mary and I woke much later and started puttering around the house.. trying to feel out the new normal..   I started filling in forms for the the Funeral director while mom and Mary continued to look through papers.   Around 10 mom shouted out that she’d found ‘them’.. the letters from dad ! .. There it was.. in his distinctive  printing  ..

He even put in some of his normal self-deprecating  humor..   ” .. in the event of my death or incompetence (beyond what it has always been)”

Inside there was a stack of the most wonderful letters.. some addressed to mom, some addressed to us kids..l later ones to our wives and kids..even one to his mother.  The first dated from 1976 from before dad went to Israel to organize a motorcycle jumping contest.. .. There were some from the mid 80’s .. and the most recent from 1997 when Dad was having heart surgery.   They were beautifully written and heart felt. The messages were the ones he always gave.. that he wanted us to be happy… He said  not to mourn him as he’d been a happy man with everything he could have wanted.. what a gift to read that…  :-

He also had some practical instructions around what to do in the even of his death.. for example..we learned where the checkbooks were kept. at least where they were 38 years ago..  Then we saw it.. My dad had wanted to be an organ donor… !.. that didn’t surprise us..  we knew that the organs of an 83 year old man are not candidates for transplant.. but that’s when we remembered. Dad had specifically wanted his brain to be donated to Alzheimer’s research.. How could we have forgotten ?!?!?

I quickly called the funeral home.. no it was not too late.. but we had to call the Alzheimer’s Association.. I called them , but they were not able to help.. they told me that such donations had to be arraigned years in advance.. Then my mom remembered that they’d made just such an arrangement  when  she and my dad signed up for a multi year national study on Alzheimer’s called the ‘Hope Study”.. Though they hadn’t participated in several years, my Mom still had the number of the neurologist.. She called him, He called the Alzheimer’s people, They called the funeral director.. and within 2 hours we were able to honor Dads final wish..

After that flurry of activity, we finally sat down to finish reading the letters, in the next paragraph Dad added not to stress out over the donation stuff if we didn’t want  to.. Typical Dad.. he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone..

Around Brian the very nice guy from the Funeral agency came over and we finished the paper  work.. Than we went over to meet with Rabbi Sisenwein from Beth Elohim. He’s helping us do the service for Dad this Friday.   Ma, Mary and I met with the Rabbi for about an hour .. What a great guy..!  (even does Yoga !.. )    We talked about logistics.. and we talked about Dad.  Though my own dance with organized religion has been tough these last couple of years, Our time with the Rabbi  was very satisfying..

I left from the Temple and headed nroth.. traffic was bad.. so I had plenty of time to think abotu the week.. i was strangely happy and sad at the same time. One thing I did do on my drive was listen to a ton of messages folks had left about Dad.. I want you all to knwo how much we appreciate all those messages, emails, FB posts, tweets, smoke signals, vibes, air hugs etc you  aimed our way.. They truly are helping..

OK.. Sleep will also help.. heading there now.. first time in my own  bed in more than a week..

nite all, nite sam

-me

 

ps. My freind Reha wrote me from Turkey today to point out that my Dad is always smiling in his pictures.. ‘Always smiling’.. what a great legacy !

 

Sunday night – My Father

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My Father, Hubert Karl Cohn  (aka Hugh,Hubey, Rastus) died today  at 9:11  AM.  We were  alone in the room together when he left. It was quiet and peaceful, no fear or pain. I was holding his hand . my mom, brother and sister showed up a few minutes later. We sat there around him for a long time talking, crying, , hugging  each other and him ,, telling stories, , laughing.. it was so and beautiful. He would have liked it.. I think he probably did

I’ve been thinking about this day for so long.. actually. i’m sure we all remember that dawning notion that we might outlast our parents. In recent months I’ve been wondering how I might sum up my dad’s life.. and his impact on me.. I’m thinking that’s goign to take me a long time to work through. What I’ll do tonight is give some history of my dad as I  try to process more what his passing means to me and my family.

My dad was born Aug 15th, 1930  in Elberton GA. His parents were living in Honduras at the time, but came to the US to have him.. He spent his first four years in La Ceiba Honduras.. his family then moved back to Georgia where he went to elementary, middle and high school. He worked in his Grandpa Sam’s store. Sam was a Jewish peddler from Lithuania who opened a dry good store in Elberton.

When he was 18, my dad signed up for the Navy and did two tour rs of duty in the South Pacific during the Korean War..    My dads time in the Navy made a big impact on him. He spoke of it all through his life

after that he and his family moved to New Orleans where we attended Tulane University. He then moved to NYC where he started in Advertising.. and finished his degree at CUNY.  He met my mom at a party and told her that he was getting married on May 26th of the following year.. She asked ‘who to’.. he asked her whether she was available.. They married on May 26th 1957 and moved to Ardsley NY.. very near Armonk where I sometimes work.

I was born in Feb of 1959, then my brother Billy was born in Sept of 1960. Every day we’d drive dad to Dobbs Ferry to catch the train down to Madison ave where he lived the real ‘Mad Men’ .. In 1964, we all moved down to Houston Texas. Dad was offered a job with the  Houston Baseball team .. then the Colt 45’s.. later the Astros. He moved down to handle Media for them and worked for the folks who built the Astrodome. He later worked for the Houston Oilers, footbal team, The Houston Aero’s WHL Hockey team..and helped promote Houston Wrestling.. (i watched a ton of sports as a kid.. hard to believe !).

My sister Mary was born in 1967  . He and mom lived in that same house in Piney Point, a small village that was surrounded by Houston,  from about 1966 until about 2001.. We all grew up in that house. From the 60’s to the 90s my dad worked in a variety of advertising and marketing positions..

In 1997 a tthe age of 67. my dad got a master of public health at the University of Houston

He was an absolutely wonderful dad, funny. patient, wise.. and very easy going.. i think he only yelled at me 3 times.. and each time I think i deserved it. He had a great passion for boy scouts and camping.. (my dad, my brother and I were all eagle scouts)  .He loved hanging out with family.. and he absolutely loved running, swimming and working out. He was running way before it was fashionable.. he’d wake me to go running with him on this wicked hot Houston summer mornings.. I’d pretend to be asleep.. but that never worked. He started marathoning in his 50s and completed  10 marathons with really great times..  Running was a great relation point between us.. and we ran together whenever we could. Mary and I went out and ran 9.5 miles this afternoon in his honor)

In 2001 (I think) he and my mom sold their house in Houston and moved up to the Boston area to be closer to us all. He and my mom found a great house in Sherborn Mas.. where I sit tonight.. it’s beautiful here, deeply wooded and surrounded by flowering trees and shrubs.. It was perfect for them. I say it was perfect, the only catch was  that while we stayed in Vermont, my brother and his family.  moved back to Houston and my sister and her family moved to Minneapolis.   Even so, my Dad and mom stayed very connected with us and their growing number of grandkids.. We’d all get together often. Our Sam’s death was very hard on my dad and my mom..

Over the last several years my dad and mm have enjoyed their adopted home.. They’ve spent lots of time hiking, boating and meeting new folks. They loved their new surroundings.

My dad’s Alzheimers first started getting noticeable about 4 years ago.. in the time since, they’ve enjoyed their life here in Sherborn. Until just two months ago, my folks were able to  go out socially and have a good quality of life , though it grew harder and hared for my dad t0 communicate.  about 2 moths ago, my dads condition started deteriorating . about 6 weeks ago, my dad had to go to the hospital then to Newton Wellesley Alzhemiers Center, just 10 minutes down the road. by 3 weeks ago he was unconscious.  . I have to say that I’m grateful that the disease progressed so rapidly in the end. Though it was very sad to see him slip away, he would not have wanted to be in this state.. he told us that time and time again.  I’m so greatful to my Mom for the great love and care she gave my dad in the years of his disease.  Their deep love was so clear.  They would have bene married 57 years this month.

Last tuesday we got word that my dad had pneumonia.. we never were sure that was actually the problem, but it was the signal we all needed to gather together. I arrived on Wednesday morning from Vegas where I was attending a conference., my brother and sister arrived later that same day   Max came in the day after. . For the past 5 days we lived in dad’s room at Newton Wellsely. and we are so grateful to the Center and its staff for letting us do that. They cared for Dad, fed us and put up with our mess and noise. I slept there for the last 4 days.. one day max joined me there..  the rest  of the family stayed here at my folks house.. thats how I happened ot be alone with dad when he passed.   We hung around today and waited for the Funeral Home folks to come. We washed my dad and dressed him, then helped  move him tot he stretcher for transport. It was so hard seeing him go…   and .. it felt like relief. He was no longer suffering..

My dad was such an amazing guy. . He nstilled in us the value of hard work.. and .. the value of being happy. He always told us that the most important thing was to find something we liked to do.Which we all have done.  not only that, He was always accepting of the choices we made.  He was one of the  most satisfied people I ever met.. and encouraged us to follow his lead. He had deep convictions about what was right and wrong and gave us all that as well.   He did not worry much about the future or past.. his watch word  was always ‘it is what it is’ .. a reminder not to worry about what is not., what could have been or what might happen later..   He is the most important role model I have ever had.. he formed my/our character more than any other person or experience, and for that, I will be forever grateful .

I am going to miss you so much Dad.. at the same time you are so much part of who i am, that I will carry you around with me for the rest of my life..and I’m so very grateful for that..

Rest easy Pa

 

nite all, nite sam

-me