It’s here.. the official anniversary of Sam’s passing.. and honestly.. it’s been a good day. It’s so hard to know what to expect on days like this.. but it seems that it wasas I had anticipated, a lot like most days .. a mix of deep sadness at not having Sam in our physical lives and sparks of fun and joy sprinkled in brought by our kids, family and friends. The thing that give a day like this so much weught is the large number of other peopl ewho mark it with you.. that made it generally a better and easier day than most.

Last night was really the harder time for me. THat marked the actual anniversary of Sam’s accident.. which is really when he stopped existing in his physical form. I spent a good deal of yesterday thinking aboutthat first, so very difficult and ad evening. I busied myself yesterday with finishing the decorations on the Sam sculpture out front (note the new guitar) .. and some welding for the friends of Sam art show. The day passed very qucikly

Towards evening I was really freaking out. I broke a glass while cleaning up… I was kind of wreck. Diane and I were having an intesne conversation about Sam when suddenly she yelled.. ‘there’s a mouse behind you in the stove !’.. This brazen guy had actually climbed up through the burners of our stove and was trying to get at our foccacia !.. You have to squint a bit to see him in this highly maginified and grainy pict.. but there he is.. Somehow seeing this guy turned my evening around.. and I was fine.. About that time a bounc of the kids friends started showing up and the evenin took on a more celibratory tone..

I didn’t have a whole lot of need for ritual last night.. I realized that I’d been doing so much observing of Sam’s passing every day.. that I didn’t feel the need for too much special stuff (eg. prayers, etc).. I did do one religious-ish thing which is to light a yarhtzeit (????????) candle for Sam.. In judiasm you’re supposed ot burn one of these for 24 hours on the anniversary of a loved one’s passing .. It did. indede burn for 24 hours…

We fell asleep peacfully last night and were in a sound sleep unitl about 2:15 when all the smoke alarms in the house decided to go off.. We lay there slepily trying to figure out the cause of all the noise. I dragged myself downstairs to see what was up.. the kids were cooking some mozzerella sticks.. but they had just gone into the oven.. and the wood stove was closed up.. never did figure out what was causeing the alarms.. but we oppened the doors and turned on teh exhaust fans and the alarms quit.. The only think I can figure out is either.. a) something had dripped into the oven and was causign invisible smole.. or b) Sm was saying hello to us.. I’m going with b) .

I woke up and Diane showed me the page from yesterday’s calendar… hmmm..

We puttered around for a few hours this mornign getting ready for the folks coming over tonight. Mason and Scott helped us out by runnign in to town to pick up soem new mig welding gas for me and bagels for all of us.. As soon as they got back we all sutied up and headed up to Bolotn to climb the fire tower.. It was pouring rain and freezing.. a great day for a walk up a mountain..

There were about 15 of us in total.. (plus Chai).. we plunged up the mountian.. the snow got pretty deep in places.. it was mid thigh at the top.. no fun to drop through..

Here we are mid way..

Finally at the hut at the top.. the rain had let up quite a bit. Everythign was coated with ice..

We went inside and had a chai tea toast to Sam..

It ws too nasty out for everyone to climb the fire tower. Max, gabe and I decided to do it in memory of the time we did it o spread soem of Sam’s ashes..The three of us tromped up the hill to the tower.

The rickity ladders were completly covered with ice.. it was nasty climbing

The three of us finally got to the top.. it was like a skating rink up there.. and the wind was blowing like crazy. It was FREEZING !.. The wind makde it tought toe light  the small fireworks we’d braught with us.

As soon as they’d gone off we slid back down the ladders back down to solid earth…   I was glad to be down !

We went back to the lode where the other were and did a biggish block of fireworks..

Then we headed down the hill on snowboards, skiis, snow skates , sleds, bottoms and feet.. It was steep goign down.. some good sleeding !

We had one wet and tired doggy at the end of the hike !

It was raining pretty hard again at the bottom of the hill.. I just needed to get home and get soem warm and dry clothes.

We got home areound 3:30..and took a bath. about 4:30 folks started showing up.. by abotu 5.. Sam’s room was completly packed with his friends.. and it remained packed all night..  

I don’t know how many folks came tonight but it was somewhere between 100 and 150 came by to be with us and be with Sam.. it could not have been any nicer.. lots of memories of Sam.. lots of hugs.. some tears.. lots of good food and of coaurse, lots of fire.  We’d asked our firends to bring stuff to burn in the fire.. For example. our friend Liz made this cool star to burn..

I handed out printed copise of the SamStone stories people have been writing in. comments from Sam’s mysspace, excerpts from this blog and asked people to make things out of the paper.. Folks made balls, planes, crowns, everything.. It actually stopped raining enough for us to go outside..  so we took the papers and chucked them all in the fire..   it felt good to do it !

At 7 we all gathered aroudn the fire and passed around candles.. We’d asked all our firends around the world to do this at 7PM EST insolidarity with u in memory of Sam.  It was beautiful seeing all those candles going.

We also sent up a hot air baloon .. It wsa a bit blusterry for launch.. but we got it flying (truth be told.. these ballons pictures are from last night.. but we did anther one tongiht.. just no pictures)

… and we ended.. of course, with fireworks.. good ones this time. Dam would have loved it.. I hope he did !

We did do a little homemade firemagic.. here we are tossing Cremora non-dairy creamer on the fire.. It’s dangerous stuff. Max singed his hand quite painfully in this process.

The one ritual I had saved for today was to get rid of the ratty concert bracelets I’ve been wearing on my right wrist.(Not the sam memorial bracellt on my left wrist)  Since Sam died, ‘ve not taken off any concert braceletss off my wrist.. I think I had about 9 of them.. I cut them off and tossed them in the fire..

At that point we all moved back inside and finished up 2 bags of clay making SamStones, eating the remaining soup and ice cream.. and just generally hanging out.

It was a wonderful and special evening for us. I want to thanks all of our friends in the commmunity wh have been there for us these last few days.. and this last whole difficult year. You’re all like family to us now.  I also want to thank all the folks who called, mailed or emailed us to fish us strength over the past few days.. You good wishes have really helped us… Adnd I want to thank our extenede families .. they’ve been supporting  us as they do their own mourning for Sam…

What a day.. well.. it’s time to go to slepp. We’re all doing the Jarred Williams run tomorrow at 8:30.. should be fun..

Fianlly.. Sam.. We all love you so very much.. your friends love you.. if you ever needed proof.. tonight was it..

Gnite”

-me

 It’s just before 9PM on November 20^th.  Sam, exactly one year ago to the hour you started to cross that street with your friends and left this life. I’ve been thinking about  you every moment  since. I miss you so very much.  You always loved life and had the most wonderful gentle and generous spirit. Your spirit continues to do good in the world through us and your many friends..  We feel your presence  always.You are loved by so many people Sam.. you always will be..  Be at peace my son.

-dad

 

ps. Here’s the message Sam left on my phone a year ago today. I love hearing his voice.

 

 

 

   I’m somewhat at a loss for what to write this evening… on one hand, today was full of lots of fun and interesting stuff… on the other hand.. today marks the anniversary of Sam’s last full day as we knew him.. I’m torn between the ‘real’ world and the world that’s so much bigger.     That’s such a big deal.. yet at the same time.. what’s a year mean ?  Tomorrow marks the time it took for the earth to circle the Sun … after our son left this world. 365 times the earth has tuned on it’s own axis. Is it really different from all the days that have passed since Sam’s death ?  I don’t know, but I’m guessing that, in many ways,  tomorrow’s going to be like most of the others.. I’ll wake up grappling with the fact that Sam is gone. I’ll take comfort in the love of my family.. I’ll feel buoyed up by the folks in my community.. and I’ll have some really dark times missing Sam.. In the end, I’ll take stock of the day and record the parts I care to share in this commentary..   I am guessing that will be the rhythm of our lives for quite a long while.. Maybe forever,. Tomorrow is different  only in that our society chooses to recognize it as significant.

   So much has happened in this past year to think about.. we’ve had literally thousands of folks come in to our lives to share their care an feelings. Sam’s spirit has been passed on through the efforts of  his good friends in the  Friends of Sam movement.  The FoS have raised thousands of dollars for local kids… The funds that folks have generously donated to the Sam Cohn foundation are allowing kids across Vermont to enjoy snowboarding. music, and camping , all things our Sam loved. Sam’s name is on about 4000 SamStones made by his friends and now spread across every continent on the  globe..  We get messages daily about folks placing or finding them in some of the most beautiful, spiritually meaningful  and politically important sites from across the globe.   Sam’s many friends continue to write to him publicly and privately in his MySpace  sharing their thoughts and love for our son. This has shown me the healing power of the internet and the global community it supports. Sam left our physical life, yet his spirit seems to be magnified in so many ways..   The mystery of his passing is with  us every day.  Why did this happen to Sam? What does it mean ? How can this be ? Where is he now  ?  Questions that will never get answered…

   So much has changed in our lives… but one thing has not… the love we have for our kids… for Sam..  I love you so much my son.. Good night…

-me

 ps. If you haven’t already, please share a story, though or wish for Sam on the SamStones story page here.

So… Now begins our week of remembrance to mark the one year anniversary of Sam’s passing  We have several things planned this week in honor, memory  and celebration of our wonderful son, brother and friend.   We want to let folks know what’s up so you can participate either in person or in spirit with us..

We can not mark Sam’s passing with a single day. Tuesday the 20^th marks the anniversary of Sam’s accident. We know that Sam’s spirit left his body within moments of being hit..  The 21^st marks the day that he was declared brain dead, so that is the day we mark legally as the day of his death. By the end of the  22^nd Sam’s heart was  in another’s body keeping her alive. Each of those events brings its own memories .

Here’s what we plan to do this week. Please pass this info around to friends who may not be reading this on the blog.

Tuesday the 20th

This will be a day for our family to come together. We  don’t have much planned. We’ll be at our house laying low and thinking of Sam. 

Wednesday the 21st

We would love all of you who are close to Sam and to us to come and share part or all of the day with us.  You are welcome here even if you don’t know us well,  yet need the connection with Sam for yourself. We have several things planned for the day. Please come.

Noon  – Weather permitting, several of us are planning a trip up to the Bolton fire tower… where we released some of Sam’s ashes last year… we’ll meet at the base lodge at  noon.  

5 PM  – we’ll meet back at our house for some quiet remembrances, community  and a pot luck. Please bring warming soups, bread and/or salad to share. We’ll be playing music and making SamStones.

7PM – Please join us in lighting a candle for Sam. There’s no significance to the time.. it’s just a time where our friends around the world can join us in lighting a candle for Sam and sending him love. If you can be with us, that is wonderful… if not, please light a candle for Sam on your own..

7:30 PM on – We will have a bonfire, again weather permitting, You can join us to add something to the fire to mark the year as a remembrance of Sam.. it can be a message, a story, a poem, a song, artwork, slide show, anything. If you can’t join us in person, please add a story to the SamStones story log here. or add a comment on Sam’s Myspace . I’ll be putting copies  of both of those into the fire.    We’ll be holding  a ceremony I learned at the Solstice a two years ago with friends in Austria.. we’ll make a wish for Sam, ourselves or our world then jump over the fire to make it so.

Again, If you do come, please bring something for the potluck. Chairs to sit on around the fire, an offering to burn, musical instruments, songs, art anything you’d like to share.   If you have questions please call us at 434-3576

Thursday the 22nd

Thanksgiving morning, we’ll  be joining our friends the Williams in their 3/6K walk/run in memory of their son Jarred. We’ll all be running/walking in our Sam shirts. I’m not quite sure of the times, but I’ll post them when I get them. Please show up an help us support the Jarred Williams Foundation which helps raise money for families of kids with brain cancers. 

We’ll be doing Thanksgiving with friends.. so we’re being well cared for…

Friday the 23rd

Friday will bring some down time. My family will all be coming from Boston and some of our good friends from Diane’s home town will also be coming in…  Not much planned for the day but leftovers.

Saturday the 24th

On Saturday, we’ll be holding the 2^nd annual Sam Cohn Memorial concert at the West Monitor Barn on route 2 in Richmond. You can find details here. The concert will be a fund raiser for the Sam Cohn Foundation and will feature a ton of local bands. It will be a great show ! We’ll need some volunteers to help with parking, running the door, serving pizza/drinks, set-up and clean up. We’re having a planning meeting tomorrow at 6PM at our house on logistics for the concert. If you want to volunteer please show up.. or let us know if you’re available to help.

It’s going to be a hard week .. and a good week.. I can feel both . Thank you all for the wonderful love and support you’ve given us over this past long and tough.. and somehow beautiful year. We will never forget it.. we can’t…

Love you all.. Love you Sam..

-me

 PS. Remember, if you can’t join us this week in person, please add a story to the SamStones story log here. or add a comment on Sam’s Myspace . We’d love to hear from every one of you. Thanks !