Today we held a memorial service and celibration for my dad. It was a good day.. It was grest to see how many people showed up to say goodbye to dad.. Elatives, neighbors..even my freinds ron amdsandy drove down from vermont.
The service was very simple.. An intro and prayer from the rabbi .. Then each of us, me, my brother and sister spoke.. It was great to see how we each csptured the essense of dad… Funny, carrying, hard working and principled..
. Then the canter sung a prayer.. Then we said Kaddish.. And that was it. Short and sweet
The. We all headed backto. My folks house for a celibration.. Lots of food,drink..a ndeventually sushi.. Dad would. Have loved it.. We sll did
Im too tired and overwhelmed to write much tonight.. I have lots of pictures from today which i will post tomorrow.. For now.. Let me just post the comments i made today
Even as kids, we all think of this day, the death of a parent. I find that I’m no more prepared for it now than i was then. I have to confess I don't really know how to say goodbye to my Dad. He was my hero, my role model and my very good friend.
It meant so much to me to be there with Dad when he took his last breath.. I was holding his hand and he quietly stopped breathing. Nothing but peace.
A little later, we all went back to house in a mixed sense of sadness, shock and relief. As we were sitting there, Mary remembered Dad having said something about leaving letters for us for to be read after his death. We needed something to do, so we pulled out a box of papers and started looking through all the memories of Dad's life. There were letters from his parents, pictures from the Navy, and a journal from his time on ship , pictures from Dads life in Elberton New Orleans, Japan New York, Texas and Sherborn. I posted quite a few of those pictures on my blog and got comments from around the world about how handsome my Dad was, and how he was always smiling, with a twinkle in his eye.
It wasn't until early the next day that mom found the envelope. On it was a simple note to be opened by family in the event of my death or my incompetence and then in parentheses he said (“beyond what it has always been”) classic dad humor. Inside were the most wonderful letters He'd written them to Mom, Me,Billy, Mary,Diane, Shawn and our kids. They were written at various points in dad's life. The first one in 1976 before a big trip to Israel where he was helping organize a motorcycle jump. (How cool is that when your dad organizes motorcycle jumps ? He was always doing cool things and introducing us to amazing people like Evil Keneival, Graham Nash or Astronauts like Ed White ), He wrote another one in 1987, one in 1990 after the surprise 60th Birthday party we'd had for him , and the last in 1997 right before his bypass surgery .
In these letters dad laid out how much he loved each of us and what his hopes were for our futures. They were all organized by the way he thought of us. Mom whom he dearly loved and looked up to. Me the serious and studious oldest child., Billy the wild and goofy one and sweet Mary, the baby. (anyone who knows us knows that he got that right)…
In the letters Dad also mentioned that he wanted to be an organ donor.. That jolted my Mom.. she'd remembered that Dad had wanted to donate his brain to Alzheimer's research.. With a flurry of quick phone calls, we were able to make that happen. Thanks to Dad's reminder. Later on in his note, he mentioned that we didn't need to do it if it was inconvenient.. again.. typical Dad.
Reading those letters was very moving. They were beautiful and heartfelt. It made me wish that I could write him one more letter.
Here it is
Pa,
I can't believe that you're gone, man. You have been such an inspiration to me in my life. You are the measure I have of a man and you were the person I'm still aspiring to be. You were honest hard-working fair and fun you would encourage me.. all of us.. in everything we did.. I even modeled my hair style off of yours…. (but not the ‘stash)
You taught me three of the most important lessons of my life: The importance of working hard, of doing the right thing, and of doing what makes you happy.
You were always proud of how hard you worked and encouraged us to do the same. I think you got your strong work ethic from your grandfather. I'll will always remember those stories of how hard your grandfather Sam worked coming to this country. How he swept the floor.. and made you do it too . Even though there were folks around who were paid to do it. You kept that hard work ethic going through your life. I used to marvel at your discipline around work.. Up before 6AM, run, nicely dressed for work, back home after a long day. A break for dinner, then falling asleep in your chair with your work spread out. I do that too…. except for the nicely dressed part.
Not only did you work hard, you liked to play hard too… running and fitness were an obsession to you long before it was popular. I remember when you used to wake me up at sunrise to go run around the high school track with you in that stinking hot Houston Summer sun. While I have to say I didn't like it much then, I inherited a lifelong love of running. I remember long talks running with you over the years.. It was one of those 'captive times' you loved so much where we could talk uninterrupted.. Mary and I went for a 9.5 mile run right after you died, just to talk. You once told me that running is what kept you sane … Well… if you say so
I am guessing that you realized that you passed that hard work trait down to all three of us. And I believe that we’ve passed it down to our kids as well. All three of my boys work hard at the things they love. (or loved) . and I know they get some of that from you (and from Diane as well !)
Not only did you work hard, Dad, but you always did the right thing, You had a strong moral compass. With you there was no grey area:. there was the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. You judged people the same way.. and for the most part, you were generous. You saw the good in people. I always admired the fact that you didn't care much about where people work where they went to school or how much money they made. You judged people by their character and you held yourself , and us and the rest of the world to a very high standard. I remember a time in the 70’s when you took on the debt of your whole company after your partners declared bankruptcy, because you thought that the company’s creditors needed to get paid. While it was a burden, you paid off that entire debt and supported us at the same time.
I'm always trying to apply that same standard to myself and it's hard work. Whenever I’m tempted to cut a corner , even something as simple as putting groceries back on the wrong shelves, it’s your voice I hear reminding me not to do it. You’ve passed that same high standard on to us.. and we’re passing them to our kids.. As you said in your letter
“I always want what is best for you in terms of your own values which are good enough for me. And more importantly, I would have done just what I hope each of you will always do, my best”
I know that you were proud of us all. What always struck me is that you didn't need to know exactly what we were doing as long as we we’re working hard and enjoying it
Which brings me back to the most important lessons you gave me.. ‘do what makes you happy’… That has been one of the most important guideposts in my life. That's not to say that I am happy every day about what I do but it's something that I watch for . When we were happy, You were happy. When we weren't happy you give us the same advice go find something to do that does make you happy, simple as that.. . Rinse lather repeat
You weren't any different, you had your ups and downs. But you always had that optimism that things would get better… And they always did. And I think you were one of the most satisfied people I've ever met. You were grateful for what you had. In your letter, you put it this way
“I honestly believe that no man was more fortunately blessed than I to have all of you”
in another place you said
“I absolutely forbid any of you to mourn me, I have had so much more than I ever expected out of life and believe me, I expected a lot.
Which leads me to want to the final big lesson that you passed on to me and that is it is what it is”.
You used to say that whenever we would complain about something in our circumstances that we couldn't change You taught me to accept the things I couldn't change.. You weren’t being fatalistic, you were being realistic and helping us move on and survive . And survive we all will. I know that at the end you knew that we were all in a good place. Happy, healthy, and grateful for what we have in our lives. And I got to say that I'm very grateful to you for drilling this wisdom into our heads
In one of your letters, you said
“I love all of you so much and want you to remember me by the new happiness you find and in your love and support of each other”
We will miss you very much and you will always be part of us
As you would say here .. “It is what it is”
we love you Pops
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